Chapter 1: Group Chat Wahala

The street outside still dey hum with last keke horn, but inside my hostel, na only WhatsApp notification dey disturb sleep. At exactly 2:30 in the morning, class prefect Timi suddenly drop message: everybody for class must pay extra ₦1,000 for class dues.

As I stare at my phone screen, the WhatsApp notification dey buzz like stubborn mosquito for my ear. I just shake my head. For this Lagos, person no fit even sleep in peace—na so Timi dey use him class prefect power scatter everybody anyhow. For that kind odd hour, you go think say na national emergency, but instead, na class dues wahala. Everybody wey still dey awake dey peep the message with suspicion, some dey even mutter under their breath, "Wetin be all this one again, abeg?"

[Class fund don finish. Everybody gats add ₦1,030. Just round am go ₦1,000, I go cover the rest myself.]

Timi dey reason say everybody go shed tears for him generosity, but na suspicion full the WhatsApp group. Group chat just scatter like NEPA wire for rain.

As he drop that message with him usual gra gra, some people dey already dey roll eyes. For their mind, dem dey think, "So na so e easy to turn philanthropist with another person money?" Some even chuckle, "Timi wey sabi do Father Christmas when e suit am."

[The class wey dey next to us refund ₦2,000 give each person. Why you dey ask us to pay again?]

You fit feel the tension for air—even the class joker, Emeka, no even drop him usual meme. Everybody dey reason: this Timi matter e get as e be. Group chat just dey hot.

As he see say people dey doubt am, Timi sharply drop breakdown of how dem take spend the class fund.

He no even waste time. Sharp sharp, e drop full Excel spreadsheet, like say na accountant for bank. You go wonder who dey audit am, sef. Everybody just dey download am, ready to scrutinize line by line like EFCC investigator.

The very first item? Reimbursement of ₦5,000 transport expenses—to me.

Immediately I see am, my mouth open small. Na my name dey shine for top, as if I be chairman for this wahala. Chai, wahala no dey finish!

That night, everybody believe say na me chop class fund, dem dey shout make I return the money.

See as dem begin dey hail me like thief. Even people wey no dey ever contribute for group chat dey surface. My palm begin sweat, phone dey slip for hand. I wan disappear like maggi for pot. For my mind, I dey shout, "Wetin concern me for transport reimbursement? Na my name una go use do scapegoat?"

I just laugh, then @ Timi wey use class fund take do scholarship for himself:

[Timi, if you return your own, I go return mine.]

I no even hold am. As dem dey drag me, I just reason say na so wahala dey start. I throwaway the line make everybody reason well. For my mind, I dey pray make breeze blow fowl yansh this night. But for Lagos, breeze no dey ever blow reach thief.