Chapter 4: Choice and Consequence

Cousin grip my wrist strong, him breath heavy.

Him chest dey move up and down, like person wey run from police. I never see Obinna like this before. Even harmattan no fit cool am.

Him voice get one kind restraint wey I never hear before: "Ngozi, you no suppose come."

Na the way e talk am, e weak me. Voice low, but e dey command respect. E be like Chief dey talk.

Him eye red pass before.

Na so e be when malaria catch person for our side. But this one get another level.

Fear catch me small.

My leg dey shake. My teeth dey knock. I dey wonder if I go survive this matter.

Because cousin tear my cloth.

The cloth na that ankara wey aunty buy for market last week. As e tear—sound sharp like slap. My mind dey count how I go explain am to aunty.

Na new cloth aunty sew for me oh. If e spoil, aunty go finish me with talk. That woman fit talk for Africa. If e catch me, e go remind me of all the cloths wey I spoil since I small.

I look up, see cousin bend bite my smooth shoulder.

The pain shock me. E no too hard, but na surprise. My mouth open, I no fit talk.

I shock, small cry comot my mouth.

My cry low, like kitten. I dey shame, but e no reach me to fight am.

Cousin lift head, him fine eye dey look me like say e no sure.

For that moment, e be like say he dey reason if e do the right thing. E pause, breath slow.

So na true, I really come be antidote.

My mind dey turn. So all the story aunty talk, na like this e wan end?

But I still no understand how e suppose work.

Na real confusion dey my mind. Shey na my presence cure am or na another thing?

I ask, confused: "Cousin, you wan chop me raw?"

As the words comot, I sef shock. E no get filter.

Obinna freeze.

For like two seconds, e just pause, look me.

Him voice hoarse die.

The voice deep, scratchy like old radio. If you hear am, you go know say e dey hold himself.

"If you wan marry me, after today, I go take responsibility."

He no talk am with laugh. Him face serious, like person wey dey read Chief’s will. My heart skip.

"If you no want, go outside, tell housegirl make dem bring bucket cold water."

He give me two choice, but my heart dey heavy. I dey think of my life before, the one wey fit come.

I reason am. My mind dey run. I dey think of home, think of my papa compound, the hunger, the long evening when nobody dey ask you 'have you chop?' If I go back, na suffer go wait me. Na so my hand dey shake, but my voice come out small.

I dey remember my mama warning me: 'Ngozi, shine your eye for this world.' I dey remember the taste of hunger, the days dem beat me because I chop small fish. My fear of being sent back to uncle’s house dey hold my chest tight. Orphan no dey get easy life.

I bite my lip, talk: "I go stay."

As I talk am, my body still dey shake, but my mind dey made up. Na so.

Obinna no hold back again.

He move fast, no look back. I close eye, dey hope say e go end well.

That night—

E long pass village market. My body dey float. E be like say I dey waka for river, breeze dey blow me, I no fit stop. The world turn to wave. Sometimes I dey cry, sometimes I dey laugh—nobody hear me. Na so love dey be?

Na like say I be small canoe wey dey lost for big river, wave just dey carry me anyhow, I no fit help myself.

If you don ever waka for river wey current strong, you go understand. No matter how you paddle, you go just dey go where water push you.

Day break, na that time I finally sleep well.

Sleep come sweet me like akamu after fasting. My body weak, but my mind rest.

Mosquito come bite my forehead.

Na big one. I slap am, but e don chop belleful. I no get strength fight am again.

I just wan cry.

Tears gather for my eye. I dey remember home, my mama, everything wey don pass. The pain, the shame, the joy—all join together. Life no easy.

Why aunty no tell me say to be antidote fit kill person?

I dey laugh for inside, but tears still dey my face. This life, e get as e be.