Chapter 1: The Birthday Surprise

The Lagos heat that afternoon no even fit cool my excitement—okada horns dey blast everywhere, but my mind dey one place. Since last month, I don dey plan the perfect surprise for Ifeoma. I even carry Tunde join body to help arrange the Mercedes C-Class, make e shine like brand new. Na her birthday, and I just wan make Ifeoma smile well—something wey she go gist her sisters about for weeks.

To give her a real surprise, I hide the car key inside one big Fanta bottle, fill am with plenty folded zobo sachet wrappers—just like we dey play as pikin.

As I dey fold those sachets for night, my fingers dey pain me, but my heart dey sweet. I remember how she talk say she like those small childhood things, say e dey remind her of better days when life soft. So I put my mind inside, make e show say I know her, say I dey pay attention.

I never expect say as soon as I bring out the bottle for dinner table, Ifeoma face go just change like that.

Omo, na real wahala. I be wan see that her gap-tooth smile, but instead her face just stiff like day-old amala. For one corner, Sade eye dey shine, like she dey wait make gbege start. My heart miss one beat. Abi she dey shy? I dey pray say na surprise dey hold her mouth.

Her group of friends, na wah, they even overdo am—everybody just dey shout and make noise.

Dem no even allow person settle. From the second I show the bottle, their mouth sharp like new razor blade. For that big restaurant, all eye turn our side. Some people for other tables dey peep, dey try form as if dem no dey hear, but na pure entertainment dem come see.

"Guy, you dey serious so? For your babe birthday, na this one you bring? Just one bottle of rubbish?"

Chuka, the only other guy there, almost choke on im wine. The way e talk, you go think say na Nollywood scene dey happen. I just force smile, dey look my babe.

"Even small pikin no dey play with this kind thing again…"

Dem dey laugh anyhow, some dey snap video. Amaka dey record sef, I see her phone light dey blink.

"You sef get mind."

This kind wahala, I never see am. Na my money, na my gift, but na me dem dey roast.

My girlfriend’s friends, dem no dey ever calm. Anytime dem see me, na to use me catch cruise.

You know these kind girls, if wahala dey, na them first dey jump enter group chat. Wetin concern me concern them? But Ifeoma dey always say make I manage, say na her padi-padi since secondary school.

So I no too reason am.

As e be, I just keep my cool. Na birthday, make no wahala spoil mood. I just dey hope say Ifeoma go shine small teeth for me.

I scratch my head, try explain with better mind: "I know say e fit look childish, but na me fold all the sachets one by one. No be romantic like that?"

I even use that my soft voice wey she like, dey try smile. The waiter stand for corner dey observe, e for think say na Nollywood scene dey happen.

Normally, work dey take my time. To fold all those wrappers, e nearly take me two weeks.

Every night after hustle, na so I dey sit for parlour dey fold, dey listen to old Sunny Ade. Sometimes my back go pain me, but I no complain. Na love, abi?

Even if the car key no dey inside, my effort show well.

True talk, na effort I put. Even my junior sister help me arrange the bottle with fine ribbon, say make the gift fine for eye.

But as I talk finish, my girlfriend face come worse.

She bite lip, frown. Her phone dey her lap, but she no touch am again. That small vein for her forehead don stand. I just dey pray say her mood go switch.

Aunty Ronke, wey get wahala for body, bang table for my front.

She no send at all. Even the waiters turn look. I see fear for one small girl eye. Ronke voice loud, e scatter everywhere.

"Na this cheap, yeye thing you dey call romantic?" She roll her eye, as if say na ogiri smell she perceive. Other people for the restaurant dey look, some dey whisper.

Amaka add salt: "So what if na you fold am? You be grown man, you still get mind call this one gift?" Her wig sef no dey straight, but she no send. She dey find my trouble.

Halima just use eye finish me: "No be say you dey make better money? You no fit buy Ifeoma better present? You sure say you love my girl so? No be today!"

Halima na that babe wey always dey carry designer bag, but if you check, na Yaba bend-down select. She dey sharp, but her mouth no dey ever close.

Sade come dey form mature but na pure mockery: "No be say gift must cost, but whether you put heart inside, e dey show."

Sade get one kind fake accent. She go dey drag words like oyinbo, but na Egba babe. Her own dey always pass everybody.

I raise hand beg: "Abeg, ladies, make una no too vex. I really try for this gift. Just wait, una go see. Make we chop first, abeg."

I look Ifeoma, try use eye talk to her. My hand dey shake small. I hope say when she find the car key, all this drama go end. For my mind, na surprise dey wait everybody.

My girlfriend, wey never talk since, just hiss, cross hand for chest, lean back. "Chop wetin? My appetite don die."

She hiss again, loud, even the air-con fit hear am. Her friends clap, dey hail her. For her eye, I be disappointment. Na so Lagos girls dey do?

As she do am, her friends gather more ginger to finish me.

Now dem get full reason to blast me. I just dey count my teeth with tongue, dey wonder if na bad dream I dey.

"This gift na pure nonsense."

Even one girl wey I no know well just join talk. Her acrylic nails dey tap table. Na so she dey form boss.

"You dey talk about effort? Abeg, you na proper stingy man."

She look me up-down, like say I thief meat from pot. Omo, shame dey catch me.

"All men dey do like honey when dem dey toast babe. Once dem get am, story go change."

Halima voice dey sharp, as if na she be relationship judge for court. Other girls dey nod, dey snap finger, dey talk "Period!" as if na Twitter trend.