Chapter 4: Packing Memories, Facing Tomorrow

I no know if Shen Lianxu believe my lie. He just nod small.

He just give me that small nod, like say e tire, e no even get strength to argue. I gats respect myself.

Then he close door, enter.

He drop suitcase gently for side, no wan make noise. E dey cautious like visitor.

For years now, na only me dey this house. I even sabi which tile dey crack for corridor, na so I know here. But e never feel like home.

His slippers don gather dust. The slippers dey for shoe rack, e white colour don turn brown. I dey embarrassed small. Shen Lianxu pause as he wan carry them, then go bring one disposable one. He bend, check the slippers, shake head, commot disposable from pack, wear am. Na so I know say e no plan stay long.

He open am, wear am, stand well again. He just arrange himself, brush trouser, stand tall. Na so e always dey composed.

He look me. Eye contact dey heavy, like say we dey do staring contest. I dey shift eye quick. I still dey stand for same spot. My leg stiff. Na so I dey form like statue, dey wait if he go talk.

I confuse small. Because, when person come your house, na you suppose welcome am. For Yoruba land, you go even offer water, ask if dem chop. But this one different. But na him buy this house—na him be landlord. So I dey reason, who suppose greet who? Landlord or tenant? E confuse. Me, na guest, so no reason for me to just waka go. I dey try respect myself, make I no do pass my boundary.

So, after I think finish, I just talk small: "I dey go sleep."

I try use my softest voice, like say I dey beg for permission. I pause, then force laugh: "Abeg, do your own, no mind me."

I smile that fake smile wey dem dey use for wedding wey rice never reach your table.

Me and Shen Lianxu na childhood padi. We go same primary school, our mama dem dey run same women group for church. Dem dey call us 'inseparable twins.' Our two families know each other from way back. Even family photo, our head dey close together. Sometimes I dey reason if na that closeness cause all this wahala.

I dey shy small, so anytime I dey talk to person wey I no too close to, I go always add, "Do your own, no mind me." If na for office, I go say am with small wave. Today, I use am for Shen Lianxu, e shock me. This na the first time I ever use that line for Shen Lianxu. E mean say the distance don set in. We no be padi again.

He sef remember, e be like. He just press him lips, nod. That nod na code. We sabi our own signal. The tension wey I dey hold for chest finally drop. Like say dem remove big stone from my back. I breathe out, turn quick quick go. I no even wan make eye contact again. I just dey find my leg.

But as I wan waka, he call me back:

"Aunty Lizzy say you don sign that divorce paper true true?"

He call Aunty Lizzy name like say na judge for court. I surprise small. Him voice now soft, no cold or vexed again. E surprise me, because na long time since I hear am talk soft for me. I pause.

So na this matter carry am come back. I reason say, e no fit be say he come greet me. Na work matter.

I no fit explain how I feel. My heart dey beat like talking drum. I dey try hold my face. I turn back, act like say I no send, nod strong, smile: "Yes now, I reason am—money better."

I dey form boss, dey act like say I dey happy, but inside me dey scatter. E be like say my heart dey tear small small, but I no wan show am.

"Aunty Lizzy talk say I fit collect plenty."

I dey laugh fake laugh, make the matter soft small. Wetin man go do?

Aunty Lizzy na him manager. She sef be Amara manager. Aunty Lizzy sabi everybody for industry. Her voice dey loud for WhatsApp group. If she talk, people dey listen. Na top manager wey Shen Lianxu beg make she help because of Amara matter. If not for her, all this drama for don burst online. She sabi package things.

If he love person, he dey put everything—gentle and caring. Even when he dey act stubborn, e dey always show small small care. I notice am long time ago.

Shen Lianxu face hide inside shadow; I no too see am clear. Light for corridor poor. Only TV dey cast small light, shadow dey play for him face. Behind-the-scenes still dey play for TV. Na so Amara laughter dey bounce for wall. E dey pain me but I hold myself. Amara voice just dey full everywhere, dey remind me say she dey.

My heart dey pepper me. I just dey wish make the remote near me. My eyes begin pepper me. I dey try hold tears, make e no drop. I blink, rub eye small. So I rush go study, rub my eyes, come back. I carry tissue, wipe my face, adjust my cloth, try compose. I no wan show weakness.

Carry the divorce papers hold for hand. The paper thick, like money receipt. I hold am with two hand, make e no fold. The money wey dem offer, e choke—enough to make me dey alright for life. If I invest well, even my pikin go chop from am. I dey reason business already.

I no near am, just drop the agreement for clean dining table. Table clean well, no dust. I dey hope say e go notice say I still dey arrange things for here.

"I don sign. Once cooling-off period finish, we go collect certificate." I smile. My smile dey stiff, but I try. My hand dey shake small.

Shen Lianxu no talk anything. He just dey look table, dey reason something. I dey wonder wetin dey him mind. I think say he no believe me. Sometimes, silence dey mean doubt. I dey paranoid small.

So I try reassure am: "No worry."

I dey use my calmest voice, like say I dey beg customer for market. "I go show. I no go change mouth."

I dey add that last line so he go rest. I no dey look for drama again.

I dey fold my ankara wrapper, old gele, all the things wey remind me of home. As I dey pack, I just dey pray: 'God, abeg, no let my tomorrow bitter pass today.'