Chapter 5: Broken Frames, Final Farewell

After I talk finish, I no look Shen Lianxu again, just waka go bedroom. My step quick, I just wan escape the tension. My mind dey heavy.

We dey sleep different room. Even househelp know say we no dey cross path. E pain me, but I gats adjust. Shen Lianxu give me master bedroom. E say make I dey comfortable. I dey wonder if na because he no wan see me. I guess na to keep himself pure for Amara. People fit talk say na for spiritual reason, but me I know say na boundary he dey set.

Master bedroom big die. Two king-size bed fit enter. The AC fit freeze person. I dey lonely inside.

As I lie down, sleep no come. I dey roll for bed, dey count ceiling board. Sleep just dey dodge me.

After small time, I get up begin pack. I dey pack quiet, no wan wake anybody. My mind dey busy. Na mostly clothes—three suitcase carry all my things. I dey wonder if na all my life be this. No extra load.

As I finish pack, I sit for cold floor, realise say all my youth just fit inside three suitcase. Tears wan drop again. I dey look my small box, dey wonder how everything fit for there. I think say e go heavy pass like this. I dey expect more load, more memory. But na just clothes and small shoe. I overrate myself. I dey reason say I big, but na for my own mind. Reality show me.

Maybe na that drama too sweet. I dey blame the show, say na e make me soft. But deep down, I know say e pass that. My tears begin fall again. I try hold am, but e burst. E no get brake.

I no too like cry again. I don tire. I dey tell myself say, e no dey solve anything. So I force my mouth to curve, dey cry and dey laugh at the same time. That kain laugh wey dey pain, dey sound somehow for night. My sobs just dey echo for bedroom. Echo dey return my pain. I dey wish say wall go swallow me. I wan run go bathroom go cry well. At least make shower cover my voice. But I dey fear say e go wake person. But I fear say I go disturb Shen Lianxu wey dey next room.

Na so I pause, hold myself. No wan add wahala. Na that time, person gently knock door. The knock soft, like person dey try respect boundary. My heart skip. I check my phone. Na already 5 a.m. Day don break, cock never even crow. I dey surprise.

"I dey come!" I shout. I try sound normal, but voice crack. I dey wipe face, fix hair. Quickly get up, wipe my tears anyhow, arrange my cloth. I no wan make e see say I dey cry. I rush use scarf tie head. Go open door.

I open small, peep first. Then I open wide as I see na him. Cold bedroom light just scatter the dark corridor. Bulb dey flicker, make shadow dey dance for wall. Everywhere still dey cold.

Shen Lianxu tall pass me well. He look down at me, e eyes no clear wetin dey inside. Him eye red small. Maybe na sleep, maybe na something else. He dey look deep inside me. I know say my eyes don red. I even try blink am away, but e no work. My face dey betray me.

I smile, try form say nothing dey: "I just dey watch Korean drama—na e make me cry." I talk am with small laugh, dey hope say e go believe. My lie no strong.

"Wetin happen?"

He sound like person wey dey worry. E surprise me. Him long hand rise, then stop halfway. E wan touch me, but e pause. I dey notice am. Like say he no even know wetin he dey do. He dey lost for thought. Maybe e dey reason how we reach here. When he realise, he drop am. E just let hand fall, like say e remember say e no fit cross boundary again.

I act like say I no notice, ask again: "Wetin happen?" I dey try distract myself, make we no dwell on emotion.

Shen Lianxu move him lips, after small, he lower him eyes, talk soft:

He dey talk like say e dey beg, no dey form boss again.

"Aunty Lizzy want make we go 'Let's Divorce, Darling' show."

He mention am slow, like say e dey reason if I go vex.

"Make audience sabi before time."

He wan make public know before e cast for blog. E dey try protect image.

I know that show. Celebrities wey wan divorce go first sign agreement, then cool off. After show, if dem still wan break, dem fit go collect certificate sharp sharp. I dey see clips for Instagram, dem dey use am drag each other. I dey fear say my own go viral. Some stars use am blow again, make plenty money. One actress even use am land endorsement. But my own case different, no be fame I want.

But Shen Lianxu no need comeback. He already popular, girls dey call am my guy everywhere. Even small pikin for street dey call him character name. E no need another wahala. He wan go show so that after divorce, I no go talk any nonsense. Na reputation matter for am. I understand. For popular actor, peaceful divorce dey important. If not, endorsement fit run. Naija people go drag you. I understand their fear. Industry no dey forgive scandal. E go dey internet forever.

But me, I no get interest for show. I dey shy, I no want another person dey judge my matter. After I think am, I talk: "I fit just post for Facebook?"

I dey hope say e go accept, make I rest. "Peaceful divorce—I no go mention Amara." I dey try assure am say I no go cause trouble. Na my own dignity I dey protect too. I suggest am well, my voice calm. I dey use my soft voice, so e no go think say I dey stubborn.

My Facebook don turn fans battleground; hate comments full everywhere. People dey drag me, some dey send prayer, some dey abuse. I dey dodge comment section. E even dey trend. Na so my old photo dey waka for WhatsApp status. E dey pain me, but na so e be. I reason say, once I post divorce news, I go finally free. Make everybody rest. I dey tired.

As I think am, I smile. I smile small, but e dey shaky. Freedom dey sweet, but e dey fear me.

Shen Lianxu just dey look my face, like say he dey find something. His eye dey scan my face, dey try read my mind. I dey look down. Small small, the hand wey he drop for side begin shake. E dey nervous. Maybe e dey fear wahala. Maybe he still dey fear. I frown, add:

I try make my voice stronger, so e go rest. "Make una draft the post. I go post am just as una write am, okay?"

I dey submit myself. No more argument. I don back up reach my limit—this na my last. I don reach that stage where nothing dey shake me again. If e no do, I no get other way. I dey ready for anything. If e wan post, make e post.

Shen Lianxu stand for darkness, the cold white light just dey shine for him face, e eyes look somehow lost. E resemble person wey miss road for night. I dey pity am small, but I no fit help.

Suddenly, phone ring loud. The ringtone sharp, cut the silence. My body jump. Na Shen Lianxu phone. E grip am tight, like say e no wan make I see. He dey hold am—he must don come talk show matter after Aunty Lizzy call. E mean say, e no plan see me before. Na business bring am.

That moment, screen flash 'Amara.' Amara name big for screen. E dey pain me say I still dey see am. Shen Lianxu shock small, quickly cut call, look up at me. His face tight, like person wey dem catch with hand inside meat pie. I just sigh.

I smile, shift back, talk: "Go pick am." I dey give am permission. I no get strength for jealousy again. "If she no reach you, she go worry." I dey try sound caring, even if my mind dey bleed. Make I rest.

The person for my front give me hundreds of millions. I dey reason the cheque, dey wonder how my life fit change with that kind money. No be small thing. So, no be loss or debt, abi? If I talk true, na win-win. I gain freedom, I gain money. Wetin I dey complain? After all, true love na the cheapest thing. I dey tell myself say, if love na food, I for dey starve since. Make I chop my own share, abeg.

Phone just dey ring, like say e no go stop till he pick. That Amara persistent. E dey remind me of those days wey I dey call Shen Lianxu tire, he no dey pick. Shen Lianxu frown, look like say he dey think. His brow tight, mouth pressed. E dey reason something deep.

I just help am: I no wan drag matter. I dey tired. "Make Aunty Lizzy send me the post. I go sleep first." I wan end talk, go rest my head.

Before he fit answer, I sharply close door. I no wan see him face, make e no see my tears. E better like that.

The darkness for corridor just disappear. I on small lamp, make e no too dark. I dey try chase shadow away. I sit for ground behind the door, hug my knees, just dey look space. I dey think, dey remember how we reach here. My head full.

Curtain never draw. I look up see sky outside, dey watch as dawn dey break. Sky dey shift from black to grey. I dey hope say new day go bring better thing.

The person outside, quietly answer phone, don waka. I hear footsteps fade. No more voice. Na only my own breathing I dey hear.

As all the streetlights off, I stand up. Light from window dey shine inside. I dey squint, body weak. My leg don numb, I almost fall. I bend quick, stretch leg. Blood dey rush, pin and needle dey bite my foot. Luckily, I hold the cabinet for wall, manage stand. I hold am tight, dey pray make I no collapse.

But photo frame wey dey on top, fall scatter for ground. The noise loud, glass break scatter. My heart jump. Break to pieces. Shards everywhere. I dey fear make I no wound leg.

I look the frame. My eye dey soak the picture, memories dey rush me. The two seventeen-year-olds inside, now cover with glass, still dey smile. That our secondary school graduation photo. We dey wear matching ankara, dey hug. That year, we believe say nothing go ever separate us. That smile too bright—e just hit me like slap.

I dey envy my old self. Na innocence dey worry us that time. I feel somehow, my chest begin pain me. Chest dey burn, like say hot pepper enter my heart.

The noise too loud. Echo still dey bounce for wall. I dey pray make neighbor no hear.

I hear fast footsteps outside door. I freeze. Na so fear catch me. Wetin I wan talk?

"Zainab, wetin happen?"

Him voice get that urgency. E sound like old time when e dey care for me. Zainab…

Na so my name sound for him mouth, I dey remember old memory. E dey strange now. When Shen Lianxu begin call me my full name? He dey call me 'Zee' before. Now, only Zainab. E dey pain small. E be like say na that day I force am marry. He look me cold, like enemy. That day, e eye dey red, voice deep. I fear. I regret but pride no gree me beg.

Words fit kill, eye fit kill too. I dey learn am the hard way. Person fit break your spirit with just look. E be like na that day, I use talk kill my own Shen Lianxu. All the sweet boy wey I know just disappear. Na stranger remain. And Shen Lianxu use him eye kill the Zainab wey full of him. My joy run commot. Wetin remain na shadow of myself. The end too harsh, memories just dey pain me. I dey wonder if e fit ever soft again.

No smile, I squat down, ignore the pain, pull out the photo. I dey careful make glass no cut me more. I dey gentle, but my hand dey shake. My finger, cut, blood just dey come out. Blood dey drip for floor, small but e red like fire. I tear the photo to pieces. I dey shred am slow, each rip dey pain me. But I no stop. Throw am inside dustbin. I close eye, toss am inside. E loud, like final goodbye.

I answer Shen Lianxu with rough voice: "Nothing." My voice low, like say I smoke cigarette. I dey struggle to sound normal. "Na just mistake, something fall." I no wan explain pass that. E no go change anything.

After small, I add politely: I dey try patch the matter. Old habit no dey die. "I go clean am." I dey form housewife, still dey do madam, even though na soon I go comot.

Everywhere quiet for outside. Na only AC dey hum for corridor. No footsteps again. Shen Lianxu voice sef don get that hoarse tone. He sound tired, like say e never sleep.

He ask: "You wound?" Him voice soft, e dey reach me small. I pause before I answer. I just wipe the blood, answer, "Mm." I dey do as if e no pain, but e dey sting.

He talk again through the door: "No clean am, make housekeeper handle am."

I dey surprise, but I no talk. Old him go insist make I rest. Now, e just dey pass message. I no answer.

I just dey wrap my finger, dey clean glass myself. Old stubbornness dey push me. I carry towel, small small wrap all the glass, throw for dustbin. I dey careful, dey pick piece by piece, dey think about past.

As I finish, I open door. I dey expect say e don go, but e still dey stand. E dey look me with one kind eye. Shen Lianxu still dey there. He no talk. Na only eyes dey talk. E dey heavy.

I look am, confuse. I dey wonder wetin e dey wait for. Na so silence choke room. Him eyes pass my shoulder, see the three suitcase. His gaze settle for my luggage. I dey feel exposed. Him face pale small. Like say all the blood drain commot. E dey weak. Maybe na because he never sleep. His eye dey heavy, like person wey don watch Champions League for night.

When he dey talk to person wey he like for phone, dem fit talk tire. If to say na before, e for dey gist Amara till day break. Na my own turn to dey lonely. Even if the person sleep, he no go wan cut call. E go dey listen to breathing, dey smile for phone. I dey remember those days.

"You dey go?" he ask me. His voice low, almost like whisper. E dey shake. I look am, surprise, explain:

I dey try clear air, make e no think say I dey run. "I no dey carry the house, just the cash." I dey form joke, but my heart dey cut. "I don call courier to pick my things; dem go soon reach." I try sound normal, but my chest dey heavy.

As I talk finish,

E just dey look me, mouth open small. Like say words no dey come. Phone for Shen Lianxu hand fall for ground. The sound loud for tile. My heart jump. He rush pick am, almost fall. He squat fast, pick am, hand dey shake. I dey pity am, but I keep face. I quickly shift back. I gats give space, no wan cause accident. No wan make he fall on top me. That one go turn to another story. I dey careful.

Shen Lianxu freeze. He just pause for ground, phone for hand, eyes red like say he wan cry. The silence choke, heavy like curse. I know say this na real goodbye.