Chapter 2: Shame, Pain, and the Only Way Out

I dey thirsty.

As I dey feel the thirst, e be like say my tongue dey stick for roof of my mouth. For my mind, I dey beg God make water just show. If to say I get access to well water from my village, I for run go fetch am now.

My throat dry like say I swallow sand, voice don hoarse. The hoarseness shock me. Even when I try talk, na only small croak dey come out, like frog wey dem just wake.

Tears dey my eye—not because I want water, but because I dey find another person body make e cool this fire wey dey burn me from inside. The tears stubborn, dey stubborn like rain for August. E choke for corner of my eye, no gree fall, just dey hide like say shame dey catch am.

Na the zobo get wahala.

Now I know say this kind wahala fit make person confess all him secret for midnight. Zobo wey I drink before no dey behave like this—this one na real jazz, I swear.

My eye dey blur as I dey look all the faces for the party. All the faces blend together, like when you dey look old Nollywood film wey the camera don shake. Light for the hall too dey bright, but my sense no dey pick anybody clear.

Who poison the drink? Person wan disgrace me for public make my name spoil? As this question dey my mind, I dey suspect say maybe na one of those my jealous aunties wey no wan make I shine. For Naija, if dem wan set you up, e no dey hard.

I bite my lip, whisper small prayer for my mind—God abeg, make this madness pass. Use the pain hold myself for small sanity. Biting my lip dey make me feel small real, as if pain fit drive away madness. I press am sotay blood nearly come out, but I no gree shout.

I stagger comot, dey rush go find Oche, my childhood friend, the person wey follow me enter the party. Oche na the only padi wey sabi all my gist. If to say na before, I for run go meet am, talk as e dey do me. Tonight, I just hope say him go understand, no go laugh me.

For under moonlight, behind palm bush, I see Oche dey stand with another woman. Palm fronds dey dance for night breeze, dey cast shadow for ground. Mosquito dey waka anyhow, but nobody dey notice. The air cold small, but my own body just dey hot.

Before I fit call am, my voice just weak, dey tremble like person wey dey drown dey find help, I call him name. The way my voice crack ehn, even frog go shame for me. Oche and the woman pause, dey look side.

Na that time, those strange WhatsApp status comments flash again for my eye.

E be like say spirit dey follow me, dey remind me say my life don dey like soap opera. The words just float, stubborn like stubborn fly.

Cold catch me, e even try cool the fire wey dey burn my skin small. The coolness from the breeze na small relief, like when NEPA bring light after long blackout.

I recognize the woman wey dey with Oche: Halima, Chief Musa pikin, that girl wey everybody dey talk say sabi, gentle and fine. Halima face dey shine under moon. She wear Ankara wrapper, fine gele, and her gold earrings dey shine for moonlight. Her eyes dey like person wey dey carry peace for body. Nobody for our side get her kind gentle voice.

She fit be the heroine wey WhatsApp comments dey talk about—the white moonlight wey Oche dey crush on but no get mind reach. E clear say na Halima be the person Oche dey reason. The way e dey look her, body language show say e dey dream.

"Young chief, why you never dey with Miss Amaka?" Halima voice dey low, but e get small tease. E be like say she dey try clear air for Oche mind.

The cool night breeze clear my head small, so I fit hear their talk. E shock me say breeze fit get power like this. As I dey hear their gist, my heart dey beat kpokpo.

Oche voice dey impatient, e no even send. "You dey talk about Amaka? She get face, but brain no dey house. For years she just dey follow me like say na me be her last bus stop. I don tire for am. She still dey reason say because our families be old padi, say na me she go marry. How I go fit marry that kain person?"

Oche voice sharp, e body dey restless. The pride for him words no get mate. I remember when we small, e dey always carry last for amebo, but now e don dey feel like king for party.

Halima just smile, her voice soft. She dey humble, just dey radiate calm. "Young chief, if you no wan marry her, which kain woman you go like marry?" Halima voice get hope, like person wey dey wait for rain for planting season. She dey look Oche face, her hand dey play with her wrist beads.

Oche, wey dey always do anyhow, now come serious. Oche raise him shoulder small, eyes dey look ground as if e dey try reason deep for once. "At least person like you—dey get sense, calm, sabi herself. Na woman like that fit enter my house as wife."

Oche words heavy, e tone don soft. I fit see say e dey speak him mind, no dey do any show for Halima sake.

Just now, I dey reason whether those WhatsApp comments na joke or truth. My mind dey scatter. I dey wonder if na spiritual attack or my own shadow dey play with me. Wetin those comments dey talk—e fit be warning?

But as I hear Oche mouth talk those wicked things, the words dey cut me deep, like fresh blade. My eye water, but I gree no let am fall. My chest just twist like person put stone for there.

The pain from those words enter my chest like pepper. My heart dey cut, dey bleed, but nobody fit see am. The drug wey dey my body come strong pass before, I no fit even breathe well. E be like say the whole air for the party no reach me. My head dey light, my body dey heavy.

I no fit go meet Oche again.

As pride dey swell for my chest, I gree say e better make I waka alone than go beg person wey no send me. I stand for bush, dey shake. Shame dey hold my leg, but pain dey push me. I no get choice—na only Lanre fit help me now.

So na to go beg that person?

I dey hesitate. My brain dey fight my body—who I go trust now? But my leg just dey move on him own.

Na my far cousin, the council secretary—born with big name, cold like harmattan, e no dey send anybody. Everybody for house dey respect am, dey fear am join. Nobody dey see am dey play, even children dey run from am when e dey frown.

Anytime I see am, e sharp, cold look dey make me bow my head, only fit call am soft soft, "A'brother..." For Naija, to call cousin A'brother get meaning—na code, na secret. If dem hear, wahala fit burst.

E no dey answer. The way e dey ignore me na like say I no exist. But my spirit still dey drag me go him side.

Lanre—cold like harmattan for top Jos plateau. For this life, I never see person wey get that kain cold eye. If Lanre vex for you, your spirit go tremble.

E fit be true, as WhatsApp comments talk, say every night e dey cry dey call my name...? The thought dey sweet and dey scatter my head at once. I dey reason say maybe na me dey make am lose sleep, no be all those council work.

My ear dey hot as I think am. My ear dey burn, like say person dey whisper secret for inside. My blood dey boil like hot oil touch fire, my bone dey scratch me.

The drug dey scatter my whole system, I dey feel the urge, the hunger for my marrow. I force myself turn go. I use all the small will wey remain for my body. If I no go now, I fit collapse for ground.

But as I waka, my leg snap one dry stick, the sound loud for palm bush, scatter their gist. The snap loud like slap. Even owl wey dey roof jump small.

"Who dey there?" Oche shout. Oche voice rise, e sharp like thunder. Everybody for that side pause.

My eye red. I dey use my wrapper take rub my hand, body dey uncomfortable. My wrapper dey scratch me, my skin dey crawl. I dey sweat, but I still dey cold.

As Oche see say na me, e face squeeze, mouth bend as e talk:

"Amaka, you must follow person everywhere? I never even waka finish, you don dey chase me again?"

Oche face just change, e eyes dey vex. I see say e no want wahala this night.

E face come dark. "I no fit even talk to Halima? You too dey jealous, dey possessive, who go gree marry you like this?"

Him voice rise. All the anger wey e dey keep for heart na now e dey pour am.

As I open mouth, my voice hoarse sotay e nearly no come out: "No be so, I... no too well. I no dey follow you up and down."

My voice break, na only small sound manage escape. I dey beg make ground swallow me.

Halima talk gentle, "Abeg, leave am, Miss Amaka no dey feel fine. Young chief, try take care of her." Halima voice get pity, she dey try defend me, but e be like say nobody dey hear.

But Oche just hiss:

Oche just wave hand, as if I no matter. "Amaka, stop to dey form sick! You no get new excuse? Anytime another woman near me, you go start wahala... Last time you say your gold earring lost, now na 'I no dey feel well' again?"

Him eyes dey look me up and down, like say e dey search for lie for my body.

Oche waka come, grab my wrist anyhow. But as e touch my skin, e freeze, frown:

The shock for Oche face make me sure say e no expect the heat wey my body dey give. "Why your body hot like this? You catch cold or fever?" Him hand linger small, then e draw back like say fire burn am.

The smell from Oche body nearly make me lose control, my leg weak, I fall for him body. I dey fight for control. My body dey betray me—my sense dey far, my spirit wan escape.

I don try hold myself too long. The drug for my body dey bite me like ant dey chop my bone. Every bone dey vibrate, my hand dey shake, my knees dey knock.

Na that time, WhatsApp comments flash again:

[No try am o, small sis, no let am touch you. If you fall for this mad man, na wahala go full your life.]

[This idiot go enjoy now, but later e go talk say na you force am. When the mad couple reunite after years, dem go pursue you comot from chief house, give heroine space, you go die for street, nobody go send you.]

[After you die, your sharp-mouth cousin no go talk, e go just follow you die. Why una no just dey together, save everybody from this pain?]

The words dey swirl for my mind, dey confuse me. I dey feel like person wey dey watch film wey she sef dey inside.

I dey look those words wey dey float for air. My eye dey dart from left to right, dey check if anybody fit see wetin I dey see.

So that cold, proud, no-nonsense Lanre go really follow me die? My heart beat scatter, the thought dey hook me. For Naija, person no dey talk of die anyhow. But the way WhatsApp dey talk am, e dey real.