Chapter 1: Mumu Assignment

Transmigrating as the stand-in husband for the female CEO’s first love, I no even fit get seat for dining table.

As I dey reason am, e be like say dem cast me for better Nollywood film, but na me dey play that mumu role wey nobody dey remember. Dey waka for house like I no get address, dignity sef no follow me reach kitchen. For this Lagos, na who dey see you sef?

System come drop task: behave like mumu, dey lick shoe, try win madam heart.

Na wah! System say make I humble pass church rat, dey wipe table like houseboy, dey smile even as she dey insult me. If I no do, kasala go burst. For Naija, na who dey do mumu dey chop last last? My guy, na only system fit believe that one.

But for the book, the original person no get any chance reach main guy. Last last, dem bundle am enter psychiatric hospital, make am suffer.

As dem run am for story, once oga come back from Yankee, na so my chapter close. No chance to shine, no soft landing. Psychiatric hospital na my bus stop. Guy, see suffering wey no get part two. No family, no padi, just dey waka like ghost.

So I just resolve say, na to collect the breakup money wey reach sky, then disappear.

Bros, if you see as my eye shine when I reason the kind money wey dem dey offer, you go know say man no fit carry love for head when hunger dey. Na to collect cash, pack my load, bounce like person wey just win visa lottery.

As main guy return from abroad, ready to finish me, I no even argue.

See ehn, as the guy enter house, I just arrange myself like say I dey wait make trailer jam me. No shout, no gra-gra. I even dey smile, dey show teeth. For my mind, I dey beg say make dem no call police join.

Bro, you don finally come back. My wife don dey miss you scatter o!

I yarn am with all my chest, voice sweet, like MC for wedding. If you see how I take over, you go pity me. Dey try save face, even though na mumu assignment.

Madam dey use me laugh, say I no get shame, dey chop woman money. I just bring out the pen, ready for her to sign.

You need see as she look me from head reach toe, dey shake head. Her friends sef dey near, dey whisper. "See this one, dey chop madam money dey smile." I no send. As long as money dey ground, make dem talk wetin dem like.

Yes na, yes na. If you wan delay the divorce reach tomorrow, na another price be that o.

I add small Naija flavour, even wink her. She eye me like say she wan slap me, but my mind dey alert. The money dey call me like ogbono soup for Saturday afternoon.