Chapter 2: Letting Go and Starting Again

The next day was the weekend.

With no classes, I slept until almost noon.

The sunlight streaming through the blinds felt like an accusation. I buried my face in my pillow, wishing I could sleep forever.

Getting up to wash, I looked at the dark circles under my eyes in the mirror and started cursing Julian in my head.

I splashed cold water on my face, muttering under my breath. I blamed Julian for everything, even though I knew it wasn’t fair.

After coming back last night, when I should have been getting my beauty sleep, I just couldn’t fall asleep.

All I could think about was that white figure under the red light.

His image lingered in my mind, stubborn as ever. I hated how much space he took up in my thoughts.

After a lot of random thoughts, I decided it was best to end things.

Whether with Mason or Julian.

This kind of life isn’t worth living. Even when I chased Mason and got hurt so many times, I was never this exhausted.

I felt like I was running on fumes, just trying to make it to the next day.

"Ellie, someone’s waiting for you downstairs."

My roommate came in, a teasing look in her eyes.

She leaned against the doorframe, grinning like she knew something I didn’t.

"Who?"

Seeing her expression, I was confused. It couldn’t be Mason—he never came to find me. If he needed anything, he’d just text and tell me to come to him.

He was allergic to grand gestures, always keeping things low-key.

"You’ll know when you go down."

She was mysterious, her smile growing more ambiguous.

I groaned, pulling on a sweatshirt and running my fingers through my tangled hair before heading out.

Unable to figure it out, I hurried downstairs.

My heart thudded in my chest, equal parts dread and curiosity.

When I saw Mason standing at the girls’ dorm entrance with flowers, I was stunned.

He looked uncomfortable, shifting his weight from foot to foot. The bouquet was huge, all red roses and baby’s breath, the kind you’d see on Valentine’s Day.

"Why are you here?"

Mason frowned at me, his voice cold. "Didn’t you tell me to…"

Halfway through, I realized he wasn’t waiting for me. Maybe my roommate misunderstood. I didn’t bother to explain, and my attitude was even colder than his.

I crossed my arms, waiting for him to spit it out. I wasn’t about to make this easy for him.

"What’s up?"

Mason seemed taken aback by my coldness.

He blinked, as if he’d never seen this side of me before. Maybe he hadn’t.

Maybe it’s because I’d always been gentle with him, never even raised my voice, let alone given him the cold shoulder.

After Savannah’s birthday last week, he’d been avoiding me with all kinds of excuses. This was our first meeting since then.

I thought I’d feel angry, hurt, or sad.

But strangely, I felt nothing.

It was like watching a movie I’d already seen too many times. The ending never changed.

"Sorry for standing you up last night."

He handed me the roses, his voice low.

His eyes darted away, unable to meet mine. The flowers trembled in his grip.

I looked at the flowers he offered so casually and didn’t take them.

I let them hang there between us, a silent accusation.

When I was angry before, he’d just grab something nearby to appease me—sometimes even an old pen refill—and I’d treasure it like a gem.

I remembered the time he gave me a half-used pack of Trident gum, and I kept it for months. I was so easy to please back then.

But now, these things meant nothing to me.

"Didn’t I tell you yesterday? Why are you making a fuss now?"

Mason looked at me impatiently, as if I was being unreasonable.

His tone was clipped, the way it always got when he felt cornered.

That night, he’d been so gentle coaxing Savannah, but with me, he was always cold.

I wondered if he even realized the difference.

"Take this and let’s put it behind us. Don’t make me angry."

He suddenly walked over, grabbed my hand, and shoved the flowers at me.

His grip was tight, bordering on painful. I yanked my hand back, refusing to be bullied into forgiveness.

I resisted.

The flowers got knocked aside, and a card fell out onto the ground.

"Savvy, good luck with your internship."

Two slender fingers picked up the card, and a lazy voice read it out playfully.

I looked up at Julian, who had appeared out of nowhere. His girlfriend was being courted by someone else—how could he still be smiling?

Julian noticed my gaze and raised his eyebrows at me.

He flashed me a crooked grin, the kind that said he was in on the joke.

I quickly looked away.

Having decided to end things, I didn’t want to get entangled with him anymore.

Caught in the act, Mason’s face looked awkward.

He shuffled his feet, the color draining from his cheeks.

"Since the flowers already have an owner, how can you give them away so casually?"

Julian somehow ended up beside me, hooked his left arm around my neck as usual, pushed the flowers away with his right, and pulled me three steps back, clearly separating us from Mason.

His body language was protective, almost possessive. I let him, just this once.

Maybe Mason didn’t hold on tight, or Julian pushed too hard.

The roses fell to the ground, picking up dust.

I watched a few petals drift away on the breeze, feeling oddly detached.

"So you’re here for Savannah, not me."

I looked at the scattered petals, my tone calm.

A strange anger rose in me as I stared straight at Mason and questioned him.

"Am I only worthy of what Savannah doesn’t want? Only if she rejects you, you’ll pick me? Am I always just your backup?"

I knew I wasn’t asking because I still liked Mason.

I just wanted an answer—proof that I was worthy of being liked.

After chasing Mason for so many years, how bad could I be? After giving so much, he still treated me like I was nothing.

"How did you know?"

Mason looked up nervously, eyes darting, then as if something occurred to him, he asked,

"Were you the one outside the bar room last week?"

I sneered.

The truth was out, and I wasn’t going to protect him anymore.

Since it was out in the open, I had no intention of holding back.

"If you like Savannah, go chase her! Why keep stringing me along?

Since you agreed to be with me, why can’t you treat me well? If you still like Savannah, don’t mess with me. Don’t give me hope—when I’m disappointed, I’ll leave on my own.

I chased you for eighteen years—brought you raincoats, breakfast, saved seats in the library… Everything a boyfriend does for a girlfriend, I’ve done for you. Even a rock would have warmed up by now, but Mason, you’re just a jerk."

I said it with all the bitterness in my heart, and suddenly I felt a huge weight lift.

It was like exhaling after holding my breath for years. I didn’t realize how heavy it had all been until I let it go.

I realized I really did resent Mason—not for ignoring my efforts (those were my own choices, and any pain was on me), but for his disloyalty and disregard. He trampled on my sincerity.

I deserved better, and for the first time, I believed it.

"I’m sorry."

Mason pressed his lips together, looking more dejected than ever.

His apology sounded empty, but I didn’t need it anymore.

"Let’s break up."

I closed my eyes, not wanting to look at him again.

After saying all that, I felt lighter. From start to finish, I’d only been hurting myself.

I could finally breathe again, free of the weight of old dreams.

"What did you say?"

Mason sounded shocked, not believing his ears.

His disbelief was almost funny. Did he really think I’d never leave?

I smiled bitterly.

The old Ellie would never have dared bring up breaking up, always afraid of being dumped, always protecting the love she’d worked so hard for.

I pitied her, the girl who thought love meant sacrificing everything.

Through the years, I could see the old Ellie—no matter the ridicule or danger, always fearlessly standing in front of Mason, shielding him from the wind and rain. My heart ached.

I wished I could go back and hug her, tell her to save some of that love for herself.

Such a fool.

She gave all her love to Mason, forgetting herself and everyone else she should have cherished.

I wouldn’t make that mistake again.

"Mason, you’re not worthy of my love."

I looked at him steadily, saying each word slowly.

He flinched, as if the words had physically struck him.

"I don’t agree. Ellie, stop making trouble. I’ll spend more time with you from now on."

He seemed to think I was just being dramatic and reached out to grab me.

He always thought he could fix things with a promise he never intended to keep.

Julian pulled me away, and Mason’s hand closed on empty air.

Julian’s grip was steady, reassuring. I let myself lean into it, just this once.

Mason stared at Julian’s arm around my shoulders, his gaze flicking between us, his face gradually turning livid.

His jealousy was almost laughable, considering everything he’d done. His lips pressed together, his fists clenched at his sides.

"You two…"

"We’re together now. You cheated on me, so I’m cheating on you."

I didn’t push Julian away. Instead, I held his arm even tighter.

Seeing Mason about to faint with anger, I felt the pleasure of revenge for the first time.

The look on his face was priceless—a mix of shock, hurt, and outrage. It was petty, but I enjoyed it.

A crowd started gathering, phones coming out to record the drama. I was done being a spectacle.

I turned and left.

My footsteps felt lighter than they had in years.

"Ellie, if you leave, I’ll never want you again!"

He sounded so sure, as if he thought I wouldn’t leave. I had no idea where his confidence came from.

I didn’t look back.

The sun was shining, and for the first time in a long time, I felt free.

By the lake.

"Ellie, you really surprised me—breaking up so cleanly."

Julian leaned on the railing, watching me with a mischievous grin.

His eyes sparkled, the dimple in his cheek deepening. He looked genuinely impressed.

"Sorry."

I replied gloomily, not in a good mood.

The adrenaline was wearing off, and all I felt was tired.

He bent down, looking up at me from below. "What’s wrong?"

His voice was gentle, almost coaxing. I could see the concern in his eyes.

Maybe sensing my mood, he put away his usual playfulness and spoke more gently.

He shifted closer, his hand resting lightly on my arm. The breeze off the water ruffled my hair, and the faint quacking of ducks drifted from the reeds.

"Do you still like Savannah?"

Even I was surprised by my own bluntness—I hadn’t planned to ask so directly. Maybe his gentle attitude gave me the courage.

The words slipped out before I could stop them. I held my breath, waiting for his answer.

"Did you notice something?"

Julian stood up, looking me over, his eyes shining strangely, lips curling up involuntarily. I gave a nervous laugh, fiddling with the zipper on my jacket.

"What?"

I looked at him, confused.

I wanted to understand, but I was afraid of what he might say.

"What did you mean by that question?"

Julian stared at me, not letting me dodge.

His intensity made my heart race. I forced myself to hold his gaze.

"I just used you to get back at Mason. I’m afraid you still like Savannah and it’ll cause trouble for you."

He smiled, reaching up to ruffle my hair.

His touch was light, almost playful. I let him, just for a moment.

"I was the one who suggested revenge. Do you think I’d be afraid?"

His confidence was disarming, but I could see the vulnerability underneath.

"Don’t kid me. I know how much you like Savannah. She hurt you, and you’re sad, but deep down you still love her."

I tried to comfort him.

I wanted to believe we could be friends, that we could help each other heal.

To me, he’s one of the few friends I can talk to, and I didn’t want to lose him.

He was the only one who knew what it felt like to be second best.

"What are you trying to say?"

Julian’s face suddenly turned serious. He dropped his hand, looking down at me.

His expression was unreadable, but I could feel the tension between us.

"I’ve already broken up with Mason. Our relationship should end—it was a mistake from the start."

Under his sharp gaze, I felt suffocated. But at least I said what I needed to.

My voice trembled, but I stood my ground.

"You want to dump me right after using me? Where’s such a good deal in the world?"

Before I could react to his cold tone, a warm touch landed on my lips.

His kiss was sudden, soft, and completely unexpected. My mind went blank, and for a moment, the world disappeared.

For a moment, my mind went blank.

I stood frozen, heart pounding. The taste of mint lingered on my lips.

"Slap!"

Seeing the red handprint on Julian’s face, I stepped back several paces.

His cheek bloomed red, but he didn’t flinch. He just stared at me, eyes wide.

He stared at me. The air seemed frozen.

The silence stretched, thick and awkward.

"You started it."

I mustered up the courage to retort, trying not to look too timid.

My voice was shaky, but I didn’t back down.

Julian stepped toward me. I kept backing away.

His steps were slow, deliberate. I could feel my pulse in my throat.

Suddenly, my heel hit something. Before I could react, I fell backward.

Time seemed to slow as I tumbled, arms flailing.

"Careful!"

Julian lunged and grabbed me, but it was too late.

He reached for me, but gravity won.

I closed my eyes, bracing for the pain.

"Thud!"

I landed on something hard—but it didn’t hurt as much as I expected.

The impact knocked the wind out of me, but I realized I was cushioned by something soft. The feel of grass under my hands, the scent of summer air, and the warmth of another body beneath me made my face turn scarlet.

Propping myself up, I was about to stand when I heard a sharp intake of breath.

"Don’t move."

I looked down and realized I’d landed on Julian, my hand pressing on his thigh…

My face turned scarlet. I scrambled to my feet, mortified.

"Ah!"

I jumped up, my face burning.

Julian groaned, rubbing his side. He looked up at me with a crooked smile.

"Jeez, take it easy. After what just happened, I’m the one who lost out, right?"

Julian lay on the ground, frowning in pain but still as annoying as ever.

He winked, trying to play it cool, but I could see the pain in his eyes.

Thinking how he’d cushioned my fall, I felt bad ignoring him and reached out a hand.

"Get up."

He took my hand, his grip warm and steady.

"Can’t get up. Gotta get a kiss first."

He grinned shamelessly.

I rolled my eyes, but a small smile tugged at my lips.

Seeing him act so childish, I knew he wasn’t really hurt, so I ignored him.

But as I turned to leave, he started groaning again.

His dramatics were Oscar-worthy. I tried not to laugh.

"Are you coming or not? If you keep faking, I’m really leaving."

"It really hurts."

He looked at me pitifully, long lashes drooping.

His puppy-dog eyes almost worked, but I held firm.

"Where does it hurt?"

Seeing him like that, I couldn’t be cruel.

I knelt beside him, searching for any sign of real injury.

"My face—blow on it."

He pointed at the red mark on his cheek, eyes full of accusation.

I shouldn’t have asked.

"Are you a kid? Need me to blow on it?"

I bent down and poked his cheek, surprised at how soft it was—softer than my own skin. No idea how he takes care of it.

He probably uses some fancy moisturizer. I made a mental note to ask him later.

I got distracted and poked too hard.

"Ow—"

He grabbed my hand, refusing to let go.

His fingers intertwined with mine, holding on tight.

"Serves you right if it hurts. You just stole my first kiss!"

I snapped.

My voice was sharp, but my cheeks burned.

"You and Mason didn’t even… No wonder… That day, just holding hands made you so shy."

His eyes lit up.

He looked genuinely delighted, like he’d just solved a puzzle.

"You’re the shy one. Having more experience isn’t impressive."

I pouted, got up, and walked away, not wanting to argue.

He called after me, but I kept going, determined not to let him see me blush.

"It was my first kiss too."

Julian stood up, looking at me with burning eyes.

His words hung in the air, heavy with meaning.

So what if it was? Why look so proud?

Did I brag about it?

"I’m not arguing with you. That kiss cancels out my using you—let’s call it even. From now on, we go our separate ways at school. If we meet, just nod."

I tried to sound nonchalant, but my heart raced.

"No way."

Julian still wouldn’t give in.

His stubbornness was both infuriating and endearing.

"What’ll it take for you to get over it?"

I sighed.

If I’d known it’d be this much trouble, I wouldn’t have used him to provoke Mason for a moment’s satisfaction.

A shadow suddenly loomed over me. I tried to step back, but his big hand held me by the waist, and a gentle voice sounded by my ear.

His breath was warm against my skin, sending shivers down my spine.

"Be my girlfriend."

"No."

I closed my eyes, blocking out his charm, and pushed him away.

I tried to steel myself, but it was harder than I thought.

"Don’t worry. Savannah and I broke up long ago. I’m single now."

"What did you say?"

I thought I misheard.

Julian repeated himself.

His voice was steady, his eyes unwavering. I searched his face for any sign of a lie, but found none.

I flicked his forehead.

He yelped, rubbing the spot with a pout.

"You broke up and didn’t tell me?"

Thinking about how I’d been tormented by this secret relationship, unable to sleep, while he’d already broken up but said nothing.

The unfairness of it made my blood boil.

"If I told you, would you have agreed to be with me?"

He said carelessly, clearly seeing right through me.

He knew me too well, and I hated it.

If I’d known he and Savannah broke up, I really wouldn’t have agreed so impulsively.

Suddenly, I looked at him, realizing something.

"You did it on purpose?"

He nodded, a fire burning in his eyes.

There was no regret, only determination.

I don’t remember how I got back to the dorm.

My mind was a whirlwind of confusion and possibility. I collapsed onto my bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering what came next.

I never thought Julian would like me.

He always treated me like a buddy, often showing up unshaven—not at all like someone in love.

With Mason, I always tried to look my best. Even eating, I’d only eat seventy percent full. Though it was hard, wasn’t being careful the essence of liking someone?

I remembered all the times I’d skipped dessert, worried about how I’d look in photos with Mason. With Julian, I ate until I was full, and he never judged.

Buzz buzz… My phone vibrated, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Ellie, heard you haven’t had breakfast yet. What do you want? I’ll bring it for you.

But it’s almost noon, so maybe lunch. Why not come out? I’ll take you to eat."

I locked the screen immediately.

I’d be crazy to go out to eat with him now.

My phone kept vibrating. I grabbed a pillow and covered my head.

I groaned, wishing I could disappear for a while.

"Ellie."

My roommate on the lower bunk kicked my bed.

Resigned, I picked up the phone and answered.

"Julian, I’m not going to eat. Stop calling, let me sleep, please?"

My head was a mess, and my tone went from tough to weak.

A long silence.

I turned to look and was stunned by the caller ID.

At the same time, Mason’s icy voice came through the phone.

"I’m not Julian."

A café near campus.

I looked at Mason, sitting silently across from me, feeling surreal.

The smell of burnt coffee and lemon bars hung in the air. The hum of conversation around us made the silence between us feel even heavier.

Two hours ago, we just broke up, and now we were calmly sitting together—how bizarre.

It was like meeting a stranger who just happened to know all my secrets.

"Why did you call me here?"

He never liked talking; it was always me starting conversations. But now, I just wanted to end this unnecessary talk quickly.

I kept my arms folded, refusing to give him an inch.

"My mom just called, asked me to bring you home for dinner tomorrow."

Mason frowned, as if bringing me home was a hassle.

He stared at the table, tracing circles on the wood with his finger.

I snorted. "Didn’t we break up? Why go home? Or are you worried I’ll say something to your mom and ruin your dream girl’s image?"

My mom and Mason’s mom are best friends, and our families are neighbors. My parents run a small business and are always busy, so I spent most of my childhood at Mason’s house. His mom treated me like her own daughter—we were very close.

There were summers when I practically lived at the Carters’, eating popsicles on their porch, watching fireflies light up the backyard. I used to think I’d marry Mason and our families would merge seamlessly, like something out of a Hallmark movie.

I once thought I was the luckiest girl in the world: a childhood sweetheart for a husband, and no mother-in-law problems.

But in the end, I wasn’t the main character—just a supporting role, and after eighteen years, I still had to step aside for the real heroine.

"None of this is Savannah’s fault. If you want to blame someone, blame me."

Seeing Mason defend Savannah so fiercely, I ran out of patience. I wasn’t here to get upset.

I rolled my eyes, grabbing my bag.

"I’ll visit Mrs. Carter when I have time. Don’t look for me anymore—I won’t come out."

I grabbed my bag and got up to leave.

The chair scraped loudly against the floor, drawing a few glances from nearby tables.

Suddenly, he grabbed my wrist. I looked back at him.

His grip was tight, desperate. I could see the fear in his eyes.

"Say what you want all at once."

"Julian isn’t a good guy. He’s not right for you. If you’re only with him to get back at me, it’s not worth it. Ellie, think carefully."

Hearing him act like a caring big brother, I looked at him mockingly.

He always thought he knew what was best for me, even when he didn’t know me at all.

"He’s not right, but you are?"

Mason was stunned.

He looked like I’d slapped him. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

I shook my wrist, but he wouldn’t let go.

His fingers dug into my skin, refusing to let me go.

"If you want to get back together, it’s not impossible. As long as you promise to forget Savannah and marry me right after graduation, I won’t be with Julian. How about it?"

He instantly let go like I was a hot potato.

The panic in his eyes was almost comical.

I rubbed my wrist, looking at him sarcastically.

No one knows Mason better than me. Anything that ties him to me, he runs away from faster than anyone. I never thought I’d use this to get away—how ridiculous.

I turned to leave, but felt a cold gaze on me. I turned sharply.

It was Julian.

His usually smiling eyes were now cold, keeping everyone at a distance.

He leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, looking every bit the brooding hero from a teen drama.

On the way back to school, I was nervous.

Julian walked beside me, silent the whole way. Usually, when we were alone, he couldn’t stop talking, telling me every little thing that happened.

But now, he said nothing—clearly angry.

I could guess why, but said nothing.

When it comes to relationships, I’m scared.

Soon, we reached the dorm. I tried to act casual and smiled at Julian.

"I’m going up."

I waved and went upstairs.

I could feel his eyes on me, heavy and unblinking.

"Ellie, do you even have a heart?"

Julian’s voice sounded behind me, weak and unlike his usual brightness.

It stopped me in my tracks. I turned, but couldn’t meet his eyes.

I stopped, clenching my hands.

"Julian, you deserve better. Stop liking me."

I meant it.

I’d spent so much energy on Mason, I had nothing left for anyone else.

After giving so much with no return, I don’t believe anyone would love me for nothing. Maybe his feelings are just an illusion.

His relationship with Savannah was famous at Crescent State.

Before getting together for revenge, we barely interacted. I only knew him as Mason’s roommate.

Just one week—I honestly don’t believe he could really like me that much.

Before going upstairs, I could feel his gaze locked on me. I didn’t look back.

I bit my lip, fighting the urge to run back and apologize.

In two months, college will end.

I’ll move to another city for work and start fresh.

The thought of leaving everything behind was both terrifying and exhilarating.