Chapter 1: Promotion Match Palava

Before my promotion match, my online boyfriend yarn me say e gats go for team practice.

I put on my sweetest voice, dey form shy: "Baby, good luck with your scrims! I go sleep now o, abeg, no forget to dey reason me."

I even add small yawn for effect, like say I don already curl up under wrapper, face squeeze like small pikin wey no wan let mama drop phone. The way I dey talk, even person wey dey vex for traffic go mellow. "Oya, knack dem for head, my champion! No carry last, abeg!"

Chai, pretending to be pro player babe too sweet, abeg.

I no go lie, sometimes the way Naija girls dey hype their guy, you go dey overdo. I just dey feel myself, dey imagine all the slay mamas for Twitter dey jealous if dem see my chat.

He left the game room, looking like he no wan go.

I dey peep am for corner of my eye, dey wait if he go turn back. The boy even slow for door, like person wey dey hope say I go drag am back with one more sweet word. I fit see as e eye dey shine, dey check if I go beg am small. Las las, I just wave make e no suspect.

As soon as he waka, I quick queue with four top players from Naija server.

I nor even look back o, na so I adjust my headset, eyes sharp, fingers ready for war. Abeg, wetin be love when promotion dey call your name?

"Aunty, my jungle dey boil! Today na our day, no shaking!"

Another one join, voice dey rise like person wey sight suya seller: "Aunty, aunty, which song you wan hear? I go sing for you as we dey play."

Another voice, full of ginger: "Aunty, just climb my head—na me go dey protect you!"

These boys! Only for Naija server you go hear this kain sweet mouth. I begin laugh, dey imagine say I be real queen for palace, dem dey rush me.

I just dey enjoy the attention, surrounded by all these eager teammates.

The vibes dey too sweet—everybody dey holla, dey send stickers for chat. For inside my small room, I just dey smile like say dem dey dash me money.

But then, the mid laner suddenly asked, confused, "Aunty, why you get couple tag with the enemy jungler?"

That question hit me like cold water for Harmattan. I pause, my finger stiff for mouse. Omo, wahala fit set!

I glance at the enemy jungler's familiar username. My heart just skip—he dey use our couple tag! I panic, sharply log out of the game. My generator dey hum for background, but my mind just dey loud pass am.

Chineke! See as I sharply drag mouse, no even waste one second. If dem catch me, na big gbege be that.

1

The enemy jungler, with username [Big Tiger Palm] and level 52 couple tag tied to me, just appear for my match.

As if e no reach, the couple tag still dey shine like LED for Christmas. I nearly hide under table.

The mid laner asked again, "Aunty, you sabi the enemy jungler?"

Him voice get as e be—like pikin wey dey suspect two elders for family. For Naija, you no fit hide gist from people wey love amebo.

The top laner dey chop chin-chin: "Of course they sabi each other. One na Small Tiger Sweet, the other na Big Tiger Palm, and dem couple-tagged. Tsk tsk."

I even hear the crunch for mic as he dey bite chin-chin, like say him dey judge real-life love story.

The marksman talk slyly, "Aunty, you dey play with us four guys—no be say oga go jealous?"

Boys for server nor dey ever dull when e reach to chook mouth for woman matter. I just hiss softly, hope say dem go focus on match.

I snap out of my daze and quickly quit the match.

As my heart dey beat, my palm dey sweat. I nor even gree say "bye," just vanish.

A WhatsApp notification show.

AAA Online Boyfriend: [Baby, you don sleep?]

I see the message, my conscience just dey tap me small small. But I lock phone sharp sharp—make wahala no burst.

Guilt catch me, I just swipe the chat comot.

I even whisper under my breath, "No wahala, abeg. Sleep dey hungry me for real."

AAA Online Boyfriend: [You lend your account to person? Make I take am easy for them?]

Omo, this one enter my bone. I dey think say na set-up—e dey test me?

Sharp sharp, one idea enter my head.

My street sense wake up—if e wan play, make we play am well.

I rush log back in.

Fingers dey tremble like NEPA wire, but I act cool. Na Naija we dey, you gats wise.

"Sorry, my network just disconnect."

I add small cough, like person wey dey cover lie for phone. "PHCN do their own, you know na."

"I no sabi am."

I type am with straight face, but my mind dey calculate all the possible wahala.

Since I never reply for WhatsApp, Big Tiger Palm send message inside the game:

Big Tiger Palm: [Na the account owner dey play so?]

I reply fast:

Small Tiger Sweet: [Hello, I be friend of the account owner.]

I even add dot for end, make e look formal. Abeg, make the matter die there.

Big Tiger Palm no talk again.

For chat, everywhere just calm. The boy no even disturb again. I dey hope say na true e believe me.

E be like say he believe me.

But my chest still dey tight. For Naija, when person quiet like this, e mean wahala fit still dey road.

But I just dey feel somehow.

You know that kain guilty feeling? Like say you chop meat for pot wey mama warn you. I dey try act cool, but e dey show.

So, where the scrims you talk about?

I think am inside my head, dey look at his online status. Wetin come happen to team practice?

But na here you dey, dey play ranked for the canyon.

I even shake my leg small. If e be real practice, why I dey jam you for solo queue?

Liar.

Inside me, my voice just dey echo, "Abeg, guy, fear God."

I no fit hold myself, I probe am: [The account owner say you be pro player?]

Big Tiger Palm: [Yes.]

The boldness shock me. Omo, this one na cruise. I just dey follow the script.

See cruise. Continue dey act.

I dey feel like Nollywood actress wey dey switch role for midnight scene. "Abeg, no break character!"

[No be say you suppose dey do team practice now?]

I type am like police wey dey quiz suspect. My fingers dey click keyboard with speed.

One of his teammates jump enter chat: [Madam, na five-man team queue we dey do.]

As I see the reply, I wan laugh. This people don carry their own for head, dey add drama like Africa Magic.

Dem really dey act drama—even carry other people join.

For my mind, I dey hail their acting—dem fit win AMVCA for this kain lie.

I jump enter our own jungler Jing chat: "Jingzi, abeg show them pepper!"

Jing: "At your service, Princess Yaya!"

Jing even add "make I carry agbada come?" for voice chat, as everybody dey ginger.

Next thing, Big Tiger Palm just wipe both me and the jungler, send us back base.

No warning, no mercy—na so he send us to respawn. Omo, see as I dey watch the countdown, my body weak.

The voice chat just quiet.

The marksman wey dey sing just stop for where he dey under tower, mutter: "Aunty, their team dey fear me o... or maybe na me dey fear dem, sha."

I fit hear as him voice go low, like person wey egbere slap for bush.

The jungler wey promise win, voice don dey shake: "Aunty, no worry. If we lose, I go pay double..."

I wan talk "no vex," but my own self dey vex pass. This guy don humble all of us!

As I dey watch my Naija server's armored chariot dey scatter for Big Tiger Palm hand, I no fit hold am again.

The way minions dey run for lane, my hope dey scatter. Omo, this guy wicked o!

"You people, follow me! Sharp sharp!"

My voice go high—leadership spirit dey enter me. I gather them like small small children, dey plan ambush.

I carry the marksman and jungler go hide for the bush wey Big Tiger Palm dey like ambush after he kill big dragon.

The bush cold small, but na our only hope. I dey whisper like thief wey dey plan palliative.

True true, after he take the dragon, he waka come.

The guy get sense. Him waka get confidence—like landlord for new estate.

Jing start combo with me, the marksman join dey drop damage.

Everybody dey drop skill, na so joystick dey hot for hand. We wan teach am lesson.

But Big Tiger Palm sharp die, escape with small life remain.

Omo, see speed. E waka comot with just small HP—my people dey shout, "E get juju!"

Big Tiger Palm: [?]

The guy just drop "?" like say na insult. My teammates dey para, dey plan rematch.

My teammates think say na taunt.

"E dey do like say na small pikin we be," marksman dey grumble.

But me, na panic hold me.

Inside me, na fear dey dance. Wetin if e don sabi say na me?

He don suspect say na me?

I dey reason am. My hand dey sweat.

I no fit show face again, I just dey follow my teammates like good pikin.

I just dey move my hero gently, no dey talk again for voice chat. Make I no give myself away.

Until all three lanes' inhibitors don spoil finish.

Our base just dey open like uncompleted building for Oshodi. I dey see defeat for my screen.

Just one more wave, my promotion match go loss.

Na that kain pain you dey feel when NEPA take light for Champions League final. I bite my lip till I smell blood.

I bite my lip, the pain sweet and bitter, like chewing bitterleaf.

I gather the last courage. "Nothing dey happen!" I ginger myself.

"Dem fit dey go double dragons. The jungler fit carry support go top. Make we sneak go."

I dey plan like military general. This na trick wey Big Tiger Palm dey always use—na my turn to run am.

Na so Big Tiger Palm dey do when we dey play together.

I feel small nostalgia, but I brush am aside. Focus!

The four of us just waka quietly go.

For voice chat, I dey shush everybody, "No talk, abeg!"

True true, Big Tiger Palm dey solo dragon.

I see am for minimap—omo, our luck don shine today!

We happy—if we fit kill am and steal dragon, we fit turn the game.

Marksman dey type "God abeg!" for chat, jungler dey dance for spawn. Hope dey rise.

But suddenly, four strong guys jump from bush.

The ambush choke. Before we fit say "blood of Jesus," dem wipe all of us clean.

Dem wipe our team finish.

Even my ghost dey shame for spawn.

Big Tiger Palm stop to dey attack dragon, stand for my front.

He just pause—no rush, no attack. The tension dey heavy like August rain.

Big Tiger Palm: [Yaya, talk.]

The message hit me, I catch cold. He use my pet name—omo, e don cast.

Big Tiger Palm: [Stop dey form. I sabi say na you.]

I still dey form: [I don talk am before, I no be account owner. Abeg, start next game. No waste time.]

Na my last energy I dey use type, dey pray say e go just leave matter.

Na my luck. How I go jam you again for next match?

For Naija server, the thing rare, but sometimes e happen. I dey beg my village people make dem no do me strong thing.

But Big Tiger Palm no send me, just carry him teammates go camp for our base.

The way dem surround our base, e be like Area Boys wey catch thief for market—no escape.

My teammates wan respawn, I sharply recall back.

I run back base, dey plan rescue mission. My hand dey tremble like NEPA wire.

I jump enter marksman body to protect am as he dey clear minions.

Even try block skill for am, but my head nor fit save us that day.

Big Tiger Palm rush in, send marksman packing.

Na one blow, marksman vanish. Guy no even drop "bye."

But he leave me.

He just stand for my front, dey look. E get as e be.

I switch go jungler.

Jungler sef collect.

As I possess jungler, I pray say e go survive—before I know, the guy vanish too.

Mid laner dey complain: "Their four teammates no even dey move. Shey dem dey look us less?"

Mid laner dey vex, "Aunty, these people dey do us like mumu."

"Aunty, come this side, I wan see—"

Before he finish, mid laner don go back fountain.

Guy no even complete talk, dem don send am packing.

Top laner, wey dey protect him 1-5 score, just dey far: "Aunty, this na my main Naija server account o. If my stats spoil, my rep don finish..."

He dey beg, "Aunty, abeg, if dem dey vex for you, no carry us follow o!"

"Aunty, abeg, talk to your husband, make dem leave us..."

I feel their pain—if my stat spoil like this, e no go funny for Discord group.

Big Tiger Palm stand for my front with big sword: [Talk.]

The way he just dey block me, e be like town crier wey dey wait for village reply.

Their super minions big pass me, dey poke my weak crystal anyhow.

Dem dey drag the crystal like village goat wey see new rope. I just dey watch.

I just stand near the crystal, weak, helpless, and pitiful.

I dey for corner, my hero just dey shake head small small. Shame dey catch me.

Big Tiger Palm just dey look me, no talk.

The silence long pass NEPA darkness. The boy just dey observe—no attack, no chat.

The super minions just dey do their work quietly.

I dey hear their tiny sounds, e dey pain me. My heart dey break small small.

When the crystal finally burst, I vex, log out from game.

No time for "well played" or "GG." I just off everything. Wahala too much.

Big Tiger Palm WhatsApp messages just dey pop.

[Why you lie give me? No be you talk say you wan sleep? Why you dey play with all these guys?]

The messages dey rush me, like person wey wan catch thief. My phone dey vibrate for bed.

[I do anything wrong? I no do reach for you?]

The words cut me deep, but my vex no let me reply.

My mind still dey replay how he make me stand alone face am.

That shame dey burn me. How he fit treat me like one random? E pain.

Anger just dey rise for my chest.

My head dey boil, my finger stiff for mouse. I wan cry, I wan shout.

[I hate you. Make we break up!]

I no even think twice—I drop the message. Na so breakup dey sweet Naija girl if vex enter body.

Na you lie say you be pro player, lie about scrims, leave me for my promotion match.

I dey list all the receipts for my head, dey count e wahala.

Now you dey act like na me wrong you.

I roll eye for phone, hiss loud. Na only Naija boyfriend go still dey form victim.

I block am sharp sharp. One click—na so network cut off, peace enter my body.

As I look the game icon, na only annoyance dey my mind. I delete am, make I no see am again.

I drag the app, press delete. Even my spirit shout "Good riddance!" But my body still dey do me somehow, like when you finish small chops but still dey hungry.

But for Naija, wahala no dey ever finish. I no know say my own just dey start.