Chapter 1: Bullet Comments and Cold Wars

After another round of silent treatment with Tobi, I dey ready to drop long post settle the wahala when bullet comments just begin flash for my eye:

[Here we go again—the guy dey allow him boys ginger am make e do cold war with the babe. E no get sense.]

[He comot from him padi dem protection, only to realise say e no even dey rain outside. See as e funny.]

[Just dey continue. If he really break up with the babe, all him boys go queue to chase her.]

[Babe, abeg look that your guy childhood friend wey dey always form say he no like you. If you just smile give am, the guy fit give you him life.]

I just dey stare my screen, no fit believe am. I send message: "Happy breakup."

As I press send, my finger dey shake small, but for inside chest, something loose—pain mix with small relief. My eyes still dey red as I watch the message fly go.

Next thing, WhatsApp status just blow up with likes.

Notifications dey ring kpa-kpa-kpa, like election night for village square. Even people wey I no dey close to begin drop fire emoji and sly comments under the status.

1.

Me and Tobi don quarrel again.

This time na because he talk say I too dey control am.

My heart just dey beat anyhow, because since morning, he dey form hard man. For Naija relationship, if woman care too much, dem go say she dey do overdo.

"Wetin dey bad if I drink outside? Why you dey always carry everything for head?" Tobi talk, vex just dey lace him voice.

Him ego dey loud as he drop that question, like say na me wan use am do project. Even the background noise from the phone dey loud, with him boys dey yarn like dem dey watch championship final.

Time don reach eleven thirty for night.

All my neighbours don sleep, but I dey wait call, dey check clock. Light dey blink for corridor, I dey sit for sofa, wrapper for body.

"Your belle no good, you no suppose dey drink anyhow."

But Tobi no even send me. For phone, I dey hear him guys dey hype am:

"Tobi, how old you be? You still dey get call to come house like small pikin."

"Abeg leave her. Who send you dey form husband material? No go make your wife vex—go kneel for washboard, haha!"

Dem wahala make Tobi shame. Anger catch am, he just cut call.

For inside me, I dey wonder why boys dey always use woman matter take shine for group. Dem dey act like say dem never fall in love before.

I call again, he reject am sharp sharp.

I wan call again, but bullet comments just appear for my front:

[This one funny die, the guy dey allow him boys push am make e quarrel with the babe again.]

[He actually like as she dey call am come house, but pride no gree am talk.]

[Now, see as he dey swipe phone like say him finger go catch fire, just dey wait make the babe call third time.]

I just stand, confuse. Na me dem dey talk about for these bullet comments?

My head dey swell as I dey try connect the matter. I dey check left and right, dey wonder who dey observe my life like DSTV decoder.

So na me be the babe, Tobi be the guy?

My mind dey race as I dey try piece gist together. Even my chest dey tight. So people dey watch our drama like telemundo.

E resemble am. Tobi always dey do like say him no send, always dey give me silent treatment. But if I just try settle, na third time e dey always answer, dey form hard guy.

That one dey pain pass, because person go dey reason, maybe na small thing, but to beg hard guy dey always be marathon.

Bullet comments dey push me to call again, but my mind dey on those boys wey dey always push Tobi.

Na wah o, I reason say if na my own friends, dem for don call family meeting.

I vex, call another number:

I grip my phone for hand like say I dey hold person neck, vex dey my voice as I dial.

"Why you dey always carry Tobi go drink? You no know say person dey wait for am for house?"

The person pause, voice cold:

"When I ever carry Tobi go drink?"

Na Sani, Tobi childhood padi—the one wey no too like me. The guy dey always look me down, never gree give me good face.

For Sani side, I dey always feel like outsider. Any time he enter space, the air dey cold like freezer.

But that moment, I no even care about our wahala:

"If no be you, na who? You no know say him belle no good? Why you dey always drag am go bar?"

Sani just laugh small, like say the thing dey funny:

He chuckle low for phone, as if he dey toy with my mind: "I just reach house from business trip. I never even near any bar wey you dey talk."

He send one photo. For the picture, he just bath finish, dey relax, small abs dey show:

Na the kind of picture wey fit trend if e land for group chat. The kind wey some girls for IG go comment, 'God when?'

"Plus, I dey do curfew for myself—before ten I don reach house, every night."

He come add:

Him voice drop like wet fufu: "I no be like others. If I get babe, anything wey she talk, na wetin I go do."

For my mind, I reason say na indirect shade be that.

I hiss, drop phone, but later I still check the picture again—na so fine boy dey do person.