Chapter 7: No Light, Only Shadows

Ireti gree, but I no happy at all. As he go work, I just sit for window, dey look the palm trees for compound all morning. Na when my phone alarm ring, I know say na already afternoon.

The sun dey shine, but na only for outside. My own heart dey cold, dey squeeze like kpomo for stew.

Pepper soup from last night, I give beggar. But I still dey obsessed to make Ireti drink am. Like say e fit repair us.

So I carry fresh soup go him office. But he no dey. Office empty. Secretary dey stammer say he go out, go come back soon.

I just nod, arrange my scarf, siddon for his big leather chair. The chair soft, but na only pressure dey press my back.

I say I know, then sit for his office chair. My medicine dey finish, time to see doctor again. The medicine no even work well, my head just dey heavy.

I close eye, dey count ceiling tile, na so my mind dey fly from old memory to new pain. My hand dey shake, so I hold the flask tighter.

I sit, dey think many things, till person open door. I look up, blank, see who enter.

"Amaka?"

Na when he call me I recognize am. Na Ireti roommate from uni, old friend and business partner, Kunle. He dey find Ireti.

"Ireti no dey."

Kunle nod, but no go. He sit for sofa: "I know, he go hospital."

He drop briefcase, sigh, look me like say he wan pity but no know how.

"The small assistant land for hospital last night, stomach bleeding, he go see am."

As he talk, e be like say breeze blow cold for room. My chest tight. I try swallow spit, e hang.

My hand for table shake small. E be like say wound open again for my heart. But Kunle continue:

"After company settle, things move fast. More business partners, more drinking. The small assistant dey always follow us, and her young stomach don spoil. All this stress fit give person ulcer, na Lagos wahala."

He rub face, voice low: "You know Lagos, stress no dey help person. Zainab too dey try, but she too young for all the work, wahala just chop her."

He sigh again, "As the assistant land hospital, e be like something dey miss. Before, after work tire person, just to chop lunch with her and Ireti dey revive me. Her happy spirit na like happy fruit, small sun, I really like her."

So na why Ireti dey smile so freely with Zainab. Like Kunle, he see Zainab as happy fruit, small sun. She be him light.

I think say I don numb, no fit pain me again. But my heart wey don get hole, still dey bleed again because of those two words.

The pain fresh, like say person use knife scratch old wound, blood just dey drip inside where nobody dey see.

Now, all I get na emotional black hole. The only thing I no fit get na light.

"If she comot, if this small sun comot from company, how una go do?" I talk, as if dey ask Ireti.

My own voice crack, like say I dey beg for answer I no fit handle.

"Amaka, everybody dey find light." Kunle look me with pity.

His eye soft, e clear say he mean am well. "No vex, I know you dey pass through plenty, but make you reason this matter."

"I know you and Ireti don dey for years, I dey watch una, you don give am plenty. To support am, you take any acting job, lose your first pikin for am, and he no reach on time to see your papa last moment. But all these things no suppose tie una together."

He pause, look me full, voice heavy: "Pain dey, but na only pain no fit build family. Happiness join, light join. No dey vex, make I talk finish."

Kunle talk true; I fit see say he wan talk am since. Each word dey pain my heart.

That time, to get more money, I take many roles, but I dey always lost inside character. After all the up and down, I sick. After sickness, I lose pikin, papa die, other wahala join. My sickness worse. I only dey see my own pain. But from outside, he dey suffer too.

I remember how Ireti go dey sit for hospital corridor, dey look wall, his own eyes always red, but he no go complain. I never notice before.

"Since you sick, he dey run company, dey take care of you. As friend, I see am tire. I see as him mood dey spoil, how hard e be for am. I think say he go break, till Zainab show..."

He look me: "You understand? With you, he dey take care of you; with Zainab, na him dem dey depend on. Zainab na better assistant for work, and for life, she dey give am better vibe. These days, na only with Zainab he dey smile."

I open mouth, try talk, words no come. The pain choke.

"I know wetin dey your mind. You dey feel dem too close, so you wan make Ireti sack Zainab. But nothing dey between them. Every time, na the three of us, I dey there. If anything go happen, e for happen for uni when Zainab dey chase am. Why now? You know how Ireti love you."

His words dey firm, but his face gentle. "Abeg, no carry your wahala go spoil another person happiness."

"But if you comot Ireti only source of happiness, you wan make am craze, make am dey like you?"

"Amaka, true talk dey bitter. Think am."

Even after Kunle comot, that last sentence just dey ring for my ear.

You wan make am craze, make am dey like you?

Na me be the load. Na me dey make everybody sad. Ireti dey manage me, so na only fake emotions he dey show me.

I go bathroom, look mirror, see my own eyes—na shadow dey live inside. My hand shake as I pour medicine for palm.

I carry my medicine, swallow all.

So, na my fault?