Chapter 1: Cat Wahala and Game Love

Evening breeze dey ginger my body as I balance for plastic chair, headset nearly fall. "Omalicha, come here, come sit on mummy's lap," I call my cat, voice soft like I dey talk to small pikin.

Normally, this guy dey call me 'baby' every two seconds, but today, he just quiet like say something dey worry am.

E shock me small because no be him style. Even the way e dey hold controller dey different; e no dey laugh or do those small, sweet 'baby' calls wey dey make my belly turn suya. I fit feel say wahala dey for him mind.

After the game, na so he just vex.

Him voice just hard, as if e dey hold something for throat. "What makes you think I go wan date divorced woman wey get pikin?"

I go complain to my bestie. She just sigh, tired.

Her sigh loud like gen wey stubborn for backyard. "Abeg, forget all this online dating wahala. Make you just date my brother. These days, na older divorced woman wey get pikin dey make am craze. Every day, he dey Google how to make her child like am."

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As person wey dey do office work tire every day and no even get personal life, the only way I dey take relax na to play small Legend of the Guardians after work. Like six months ago, I jam one mad player for random match wey don already reach Legend rank. The guy dey play rough, no too dey talk, and him voice deep, small shy—somehow e dey sweet for ear.

That period, dem dey use me do office slave, wahala from my Oga dey choke me, so na only for game I dey find small joy. The first time I hear that him deep, calm voice say, "Cover left side," my body just cool like person wey drink cold kunu for harmattan.

I begin dey greet am every match, dey form hype woman—"Oga, you dey craze!"—and he go just chuckle, sometimes even clear throat as if him dey shy for my wahala.

After I shamelessly dey hail am every time—"Oga, you too much!" and "Oga, abeg carry me!"—the guy finally fall for my hand, and we start wild, reckless online love.

Our small play turn real gist—before I know, we dey do late-night voice call, dey argue about who sabi road pass for Surulere.

Sometimes, e go even call me for WhatsApp, just dey laugh as I dey shout at my cats. The kind comfort I dey get from our friendship, even my office people notice say I dey shine face more.

"No move from the base, make I come carry you," he yarn with that cold, sweet voice for my headset, e just give me goosebumps.

I no go lie, my mind go far anytime he dey talk like that. The guy sabi play game, e sabi yarn, and that voice just dey do me like agbalumo wey never ripe.

"Oga, that birdman don come peck me—abeg come help me finish am!" I dey complain, as I dey rub my blue cat. I just dey flex, dey give order from my guy in-game character shoulder.

As I stretch well, na so I see my stubborn cow-patterned cat for dining table, dey drag my plastic water bottle.

Na so Omalicha dey act like madam of the house. Every time I dey settle to play, she go dey find wahala, dey drag anything she see. Sometimes, e go dey jump ontop my laptop just to block me from seeing screen. My neighbour even dey talk say na spiritual cat I get, because she dey act like human being. E fit even dey see spirit sef.

I shout, "Omalicha, abeg no touch mummy water bottle!" I throw my phone one side, run go pursue cat.

After the wahala, I land for sofa, come see say game don already finish.

My heart dey beat, sweat dey my forehead as I grab Omalicha like stubborn child, carry am go room. Before I return, my headset dey one side, screen don show 'Defeat.' Na wa for this my cat pikin o.

"Oga, abeg make we play again. If we try well tonight, we fit reach Legend rank!" I put headset back, make my voice even sweeter, ready for next round.

But the guy no ready up. I dey wonder whether my headset get problem, na then he talk.

The way he take pause, I just dey check my mic, dey shake wire, think say maybe NEPA don do their own again.

"You... wetin you dey do just now?"

I think say he dey wonder why I go AFK, so I rush explain, "Ah, na Omalicha o—she almost break my water bottle. This na the fourth one for this month. If she break another one, I no go get bottle again!"

I even laugh join, make the matter light. Who no dey run after pet for house?

"...You get pikin?"

I shock. Who no get fur baby these days? I dey see am for him WhatsApp status every time, dey show off him German shepherd. Wetin be the big deal?

I wonder if he dey joke. "Yes now, all my colleagues get too. But Omalicha dey too stubborn. I think e dey for blood—Chukwu dey gentle, always dey my hand when I dey play."

I even start dey gist am about how Chukwu dey follow me everywhere, like small pikin. If I dey sad, Chukwu go just curl for my chest, dey purr, dey make my head swell.

"You get two?"

E be like say the guy dey try hold himself, but I no understand why.

I smile, dey form proud cat mama. "Yes now, I just no wan make Omalicha dey lonely for house. With Chukwu, the two children fit play together."

I really dey try for cat-mummy work. I stroke Chukwu wey just dey my hand, dey purr.

The way Chukwu dey stretch for my hand, my body just dey relax. E be like say my cats sabi when person get wahala for mind—dem go just dey do anyhow to distract me.

"You don dey play with me since, dey call me 'oga'... their papa know?"

Him voice dey shake small. I tilt my head, confused. "Wetin concern their papa? I never see am since."

Omalicha the cow cat and Chukwu the blue cat, na their useless papa abandon them for my door that night. Na because I dey pity stray cats, na im make I dey collect all these irresponsible papa pikin. One day, I go gather all those tomcats go do operation for them.

I vex, "If I jam their papa again, I go make sure say him no born again."

I even hiss join, just to make my point strong. These street tomcats no get home training.

He just quiet for long. I come dey fear say I don scare am.

The silence heavy for headset, I even shake my laptop, think say maybe network don freeze.

"No worry, oga. I don lock Omalicha inside room—she no go disturb us. Make I let Chukwu greet you? E be like say he like you—any time you dey talk, na so e dey rush enter my lap..."

Before I fit finish, my gaming partner just waka commot from the room, go offline.

My eye open, mouth wide. E be like say I talk bad thing? I dey look my screen like person wey lost bet.

I send am question mark for WhatsApp, dey look that small 'typing...' bubble since.

The way that bubble dey dance come disappear, I just dey tap my phone screen like say na charm go bring message.

"Meow~" Chukwu roll for my hand, dey purr. I just shrug. Maybe na MTN wahala. I go ask am again tomorrow.

I carry both cats come near, play small with dem, and console myself with Gala and pure water. I even add chin chin join, make the heartbreak no too bite. Tomorrow get as e be.