Chapter 5: Strong Hearts, Soft Nights

I clear throat. "So I... fit go now?"

I dey try talk calm, but my voice dey low. My hand dey tap leg, dey pray make e no vex.

Auwalu just look down, as if say he no hear me. After a while, he look me steady: "Where you dey stay? I go drop you."

E face strong, e eye dey search my own. E no dey beg, e dey command.

I wave hand. "No need, I go enter keke go house. E easy."

I try smile, make e no too long. I no wan give am reason to follow me reach house. If neighbours see me, dem go start to talk.

Auwalu quiet for small time, then he just hiss: "You dey fear me?"

E voice dey soft, but I sabi say e dey suspect say I dey run.

I shock, then he add: "I no be Kabiru. I no dey touch married woman."

Na true. Auwalu dey hold himself. E no dey like wahala. If e see say person no pure, e go bone.

True talk.

Even when we dey date, Auwalu no dey jump anyhow. E get plenty girls wey dey rush am, but e dey picky like cat.

Auwalu dey picky. If not, when we dey together, no be me go be him first.

Na so. E get levels, e get standard. Na only me fit break e rule that year.

I don almost reach thirty, I no fresh like those small girls, I no get big family like Aunty Bisi daughter.

Those girls with family wey dey enter government house, na dem dey rush now. My own shine dey fade small-small.

He no go get interest for me again. If he even think am, na just because he don tire for other people.

Sometimes I dey wonder if na old memory dey worry am, or na just pity.

That year, I think say Auwalu love me.

Na real love I believe that time. E go buy me ice cream for Maitama, carry me go see film, even drive come my hostel when rain dey fall.

From when I run comot house at eighteen, na he carry me go him estate for Maitama.

That day my papa beat me, na Auwalu come rescue me. Na him house I first sleep, na there I first know say soft life dey exist.

He protect me from my drunkard parents, send me to school for UK, buy me small generator when NEPA wahala too much, even dash my brother phone when he pass WAEC. E give me everything: school, phone, money, even pay for my mama hospital bill. For that time, I feel say na only me dey this world.

All those years, the money wey he spend for my head no be small.

If I count am, e fit buy two duplex for Asokoro. E even open account for me. Na only God fit repay am.

But Auwalu no ever mention am.

E no dey ever use money drag talk. E just do as if na normal thing. If I talk am, e go wave hand, say "Forget that side."

Because of who he be, e no easy for am to travel, but he dey always come see me. Every time na hours for plane, but even if e tire, he go still dey ask if I dey okay, if I get money.

One time I ask am why he dey treat me so well.

I just look am, ask, "Auwalu, why you dey run yourself like this? No be your mate dey chop, dey enjoy?"

Him friends get babe, but dem just dey throw money, nobody dey stress like am.

Na true. Dem dey spend, but no attachment. E own different.

Auwalu just smile, talk clear: "You be pet wey I pick. I suppose take care of you well."

E laugh small, like say e dey joke. But e eye no smile.

Later, as I remember that talk, I just understand. He don give me the answer since.

At first, I think say na play, but later I see say na the truth. E never see me finish, but e no want let me go.

Na like goat for backyard—if e tire, e fit sell, if e like, e go keep.

For this life, na only strong heart fit survive this kain arrangement. I be pet, I be show glass. If e tire, e fit change channel.

Auwalu no want throw me away.

No matter how e vex, e no fit push me comot. E like my wahala, e like my trouble.

The morning after Aunty Bisi daughter engagement party, he no even change cloth, just sit for my front: "Nothing go change between us, no worry."

E sidon for edge of bed, face serious, voice strong.

My voice dey shake small: "Which kind nothing go change?"

I dey fear say maybe e go choose another person. But e just dey calm.

Auwalu cold and steady: "She no go disturb us."

E talk am as if na law. I know say e mean am.

"If you no wan continue," he raise brow, no even show say e pain am, "just collect ten million dollars and go."

E no even blink. E no beg, e just state am like contract. Ten million dollars, just like that. I shock.

I close eye say I go reason am.

I pretend say I dey think. But inside me, I know say e no get choice. My mind dey made up.

But truth be say, nothing dey to reason. Everybody get limit. I no fit be mistress. I just need one night make e look like say the decision hard me.

For my culture, side chick get expiry date. Even if money dey, dignity pass everything.

Some friends wey like gossip call that night as dem see engagement news, dey ask how he take handle me.

Dem dey expect say I go cry or scatter party. But I just bone, dey sip my drink for house.

Auwalu, for my front, pick call, him wrist white: "I see her, I no send."

E voice strong, no emotion. E just dey play strong man.

"Wetin dey there to miss?"

E laugh, e face no change. I dey look am, dey wonder if na the same person wey dey hold me for night be this.

He look down, laugh: "Na just plaything."

That word pain me, but I just bone. For this life, na only you fit respect yourself.

Auwalu drop me for house. The tension for him body don calm, e no too cold again.

The drive short, but inside car, na only radio dey make noise. Na news about fuel scarcity. Nobody talk. I dey count street light.

"Wetin make you think say you fit marry?" Auwalu eye dey my face. "Who talk say she no go ever marry for this life?"

E dey remind me of the promise I make that time. That time, I talk tough, say I no go ever marry if e no go do the right thing.

Na those hard words wey I talk when we break up.

I fit still remember my voice that night, as I dey vex, dey shout for parlor. But na old story.

I just smile soft: "I no expect say I go see person wey I go like reach like this—maybe na fate."

I no wan make wahala start again. I just give am cool answer, dey look window.

Truth be say, me and Tunde no meet for blind date.

If to say I wan talk truth, na work join us. Fate play small role, but na God hand strong pass.

That time, dem just post me under Tunde for work. Na the best boss wey I ever get—he sabi people, sabi work, the team dey run well under am.

E get sense, no dey shout. E dey lead with cool mind. Everybody for office dey respect am.

He dey make everything easy, like say na born leader. Sometimes e dey make me feel say he and Auwalu na the same kind person.

But their own style different. One dey do strong hand, the other dey do gentle hand.

I too dey fall for fine people. Tunde face fine and gentle; if he look you steady, e be like cool breeze dey blow you.

E get one kain dimple for left cheek. If e smile, e dey melt person mind. I no fit lie, na face dey do me most times.

The first time I see am, na Auwalu I remember.

I see the way e walk, e confidence, e fine wristwatch. Na so memory rush me. I dey compare two of dem for my head.

Auwalu sef na fine man for our circle. But him own fine get edge, like harmattan breeze with needle, e dey enter bone. Na my type.

Auwalu own no get soft side. E get that kind dangerous fine. If you no careful, you go fall yakata.

So I just like am for long.

No be one day feeling. Na long time crush wey stubborn like cockroach.

But who say you must like only one person for life?

Na question wey dey ring for my head. Even Bible say love many, but choose well.

Tunde no get wife, no get babe, family simple, no background. E good like that—na person wey I fit reach.

I fit talk to am, no dey fear say e go use family press me. E dey normal.

For corner of my eye, I see Auwalu hand dey steering, vein dey show.

E dey squeeze steering like say e wan break am. I no talk, I just dey watch.

He just hiss: "Wetin fate go do? Ordinary man wey no fit protect you, make person like Kabiru dey worry you anyhow."

E voice get anger. I know say e no like make anybody dey threaten me. E dey pain am say na another man I dey run to.

"Halima, abeg divorce am. No do mistake again."

I shock. Divorce?

My eye wide, mouth open. I no expect am at all.

Auwalu dey look me, repeat: "Divorce. The guy no get use, e no reach your level."

E dey look me serious. I no know if e dey care or if pride dey talk.

Who he dey call useless?

For my mind, I dey vex small. Tunde get his own, no be by money alone person dey rate.

I just bone am.

I face window, no talk. E go think say e win argument. But na only God know who dey win for this life.

Auwalu lower him eye, small pride dey show: "If you divorce... I..."

E voice low, as if e dey try confess something. But before e talk finish—

My phone begin ring, cut am short.

Na Tunde call. I just dey panic small, dey think if I go answer or not.

Na then I remember say I never call Tunde back.

I dey rush find phone for bag, dey wonder if e dey worry.

As my finger touch phone, Auwalu grab my wrist tight.

E grip strong, like say e no wan make I pick.

Him eye land for the caller ID, body begin shake: "Tunde? How you take get him number?"

E voice rough, jealousy full am. E eye red small. Na so Abuja big men dey do when matter dey touch their heart.

I just look am: "Na my husband, why I no go get—"

I talk am slow, no fear. My mind dey made up. Wetin I owe Auwalu now na only respect, nothing more. The rest, na for God hand.

As the car stop for my compound, I step out, the night air cold for my skin. The hum of far generator dey echo for distance. I stand small, alone, dey look the quiet street—na only me and my shadow dey waka go house.