Chapter 2: HR Mind Games

I never even settle for work finish when email land—HR send meeting invite. No subject, and dem fix am for thirty minutes’ time.

My mind cut. This kind meeting—no title, sudden, and na from HR—e no dey ever get better meaning.

I click accept. When time reach, I waka go the meeting room.

As I waka go, my heart dey beat small small. That company corridor long like say person dey waka inside court, with everybody wey dey pass just dey do like say dem no dey see me, but I sabi say dem dey observe. You know as Naija office dey be—once HR invite you, people go dey form busy but their ear dey ground.

HR already siddon there, no time for long talk. She just land straight:

"Based on our recent performance assessment, as HR, I believe say you no fit your current role."

So na so. I think say dem wan sack me before, but e be like say na another thing.

The way she talk am, her mouth no even shake. She just dey balance for chair, dey tap pen for table. E dey pain me say person go dey talk down my work as if say I no dey try at all. For this our office, nobody dey carry you for head, unless you be the person wey dey buy birthday cake.

"Aunty Jessica, my performance dey always top for this department. Which incompetence you dey talk?"

I call her Aunty—no be respect, na just to cool ground. For Naija office, sometimes to call person 'Aunty' or 'Uncle' na just to reduce wahala, even if dem dey try use you shine.

"So to be number one mean say you sabi? Why you dey claim say na only you dey work? That one show say you no get team spirit."

This kind accusation dey very Naija—dem no go ever like make person stand out too much. If you dey shine, dem go say you dey do over sabi. Na jealousy dey worry dem. Her face stiff well, like say she dey try make me fear.

"But the support team for marketing na the same for everybody. If my performance dey top, e mean say I dey try pass."

I try reason with am, make she see say na level ground we all dey, but she no gree hear. As I dey talk, I dey look her eye—she just dey shake head like say I dey waste my breath.

From her first talk, I see say na just wahala she come find. Maybe na mistake I even show face for this meeting.

My mind just dey tell me say all these people no get better plan for me. Sometimes, you go dey ask yourself why you even dey try explain, but you go still dey do am, sha.

I too dey hope. This kind yeye mind game—if you wan sack me, abeg do am once.

I dey tire for all this roundabout talk. Make dem just talk true make person face him life. Na this kind game dey make people lose trust for company.

"Good performance fit be luck. If another person collect your clients, dem go still bring the same business."

She wan use talk wound me, but I no gree show am for my face. I dey wonder if she sabi how I dey hustle for clients.

"I don be number one for five months back to back. You still wan call am luck?"

Na my last patience I dey use. If to say na street, I for don shout pass this one. Five months no be beans.

"Five months for number one no be big deal. See your sales, e never grow. You wan dey chop past glory forever?"

Na so dem dey do. If you climb, dem go say you no reach mountain top. If you try grow, dem go say na small pikin steps. For my mind, I dey vex.

"Market dry like harmattan bread. To even maintain these numbers na serious fight every day. Go check other people—most of dem don lose half of their business, but my own still dey stand."

I dey try explain reality wey everybody dey see. Na Naija market—nobody dey smile. Person fit do all nighter still no see result.

She adjust for chair, I wipe sweat from my brow, look window. The heat for office dey match the tension for my body.

"So you dey find excuse why your sales no dey grow?"

This kind question dey frustrate pesin. She just dey find any angle to pin me down.

"No be excuse. I just dey talk say your doubt about my work ability no get base."

As HR dey argue like say she no get sense, my patience dey finish.

For my mind, I dey count to ten make I no just para. This kain HR matter, if you too vex, dem go use am against you later.

"Mr. Dapo, I don see your problem. When numbers good, you say na your ability. When sales no grow, you blame market or company. You no dey ever think say the problem fit dey your side? No be every time good result na your hand, bad one na environment."

Her voice dey rise small small. I fit see say she don dey try provoke me. All this talk, e just dey dance round the main matter. Na dem way.

At this point, I just dey vex.

My body dey shake, but I hold myself. Person no fit let dem win.

"Aunty Jessica, I beg, make my manager join this talk about my performance. I no fit explain to you alone."

I gree talk am like Naija person wey no wan die for another person wahala. If manager join, at least, dem no fit just carry me do scapegoat.

"Wetin dey hard for here? If something no go well, plenty reason dey, but you no suppose dey always blame environment. Try check yourself too."

She no even dey reason with me again. Her face dey form that kin hard woman wey no dey hear word. HR for this our company dey always act like dem be judge and jury.

I close my eyes, take deep breath, try hold myself make I no throw plastic water bottle for her head.

Na true Naija response be that. When wahala too much, sometimes to close eye and breathe dey save life. The way my hand dey grip chair, if dem check well, dem go see say I dey hold anger like Kainji dam dey hold water.

"Okay. I go hold my opinion about your evaluation. But if you say I no fit my job, abeg, you get any training or transfer plan?"

I try reason like mature person. For Naija office, if dem say you need improve, na training or transfer dey follow. Make I see how she go run am.

"Company no dey train people wey no get work. No resource for your training. If na transfer you want, you go need interview."

Her answer dry like garri without sugar. E pain me say dem dey use all this office policy block person.

"Abeg, talk straight. Wetin you really want?"

I just gree talk am sharp sharp, make she no dey turn round the bush. For this Lagos, time na money.