Chapter 3: System Wey No Get Conscience

Lagos morning dull, but breeze still dey carry small hope.

System pick our death: "Car accident."

E be like say system dey watch Nollywood film. But car accident sharp, no time to suffer.

Sharp sharp, like one last rollercoaster before we go back. But after small time, system keep quiet.

Na confusion dey reign. Na so person dey fear if e go survive or system wan do April Fool.

"Host, network dey mess up. Make I switch you to cancer instead?"

Wetin! Cancer? Na there I know say system dey mad true true.

Me and Chuka just quiet. "You dey mad?"

If na real life, I for don slap that system.

When we first land, we even pick our burial plot—fine place, surrounded by eight fine girls.

That time we dey play, dey reason say even for grave we go flex. Na young boys dream.

But on our way back, Chuka get pancreatic cancer, me get stomach cancer. System talk say make we wait for “natural death” for this world, then e just vanish.

Na so wahala tie wrapper. We dey expect sharp exit, e turn to real Naija-style suffering.

From wetin I read, pancreatic cancer dey quick. Chuka suppose go before me. But I no expect am go fast like this. System never even disappear finish, Chuka don dey hold him belle, dey roll for pain.

Omo, the thing wicked pass wetin I read for book. My guy just dey sweat, dey shake for pain.

"E no open pain shield? This yeye system, I swear I go report una."

If to say person fit call police for system, I for don do am.

Pancreatic cancer dey wicked. We rush am go hospital for morphine.

Nurses dey rush, the smell of dettol and hot jollof rice from canteen dey mix for air. Lin Qing face don white, my own body dey shake.

As we reach house to pack, na so we jam Tobi dey waka for duplex, shirtless, scratch full body. Tobi see us, e no even shame. Instead, na Ifunanya rush come block am, dey frown. "Wetin una dey do here?"

Tobi just dey pose like him be king of boys for Lekki. Ifunanya eye dey red, her voice dey hot.

Chuka pain too much, no even send Ifunanya. He waka go room find health card. But the place full with men and women clothes. The photo of Ifunanya and Chuka scatter for ground, glass break everywhere. Everywhere just rough.

I never see house scatter reach like that before. You go know say na real breakup war happen there.

Chuka face Ifunanya. "Where my health card?"

Wetin concern am for all this? Na health card be life now.

"Wetin you wan use am do?"

She dey look am like say na another game he dey play.

"I get cancer. I need hospital."

The seriousness for Chuka voice fit make person cry. But Ifunanya na cruise queen.

Ifunanya just laugh, still dey joke. "Brother, I just see your last week checkup—everything dey normal. You wan compete with Tobi wey get asthma, you sef dey form sick?"

The way she take talk am, you go think say na Big Brother house dem dey.

Tobi waka come, dey smile anyhow. "Bro, na cancer you dey fake now? Your face white—na powder you rub?"

Tobi just dey run mouth. If no be say my guy dey sick, this one fit turn to main event.

Chuka just give am one blow for face, laugh. "You like makeup? Take blush."

Na so Tobi eye turn, him no expect am. For that moment, I remember secondary school fights—if you no get strong friend, na beating remain for you.

Tobi shock, no fit talk.

Ifunanya rush push Chuka, drag Tobi, her eye don show say she don tire. "Before me and Brother Tobi come back, make sure una don comot from this house."

Ifunanya voice don carry that final warning, the kind wey person dey hear for family meeting. I just hold Chuka, we waka out.