Chapter 3: WhatsApp Group Hustle

Jumia no go fit deliver on time.

Na now I realize say fast delivery na scam if you no dey Lagos or Abuja. Here, even okada go charge you double.

Our school dey for outskirts—no keke reach, flower and plant market sef dey like twenty kilometers.

As I reason the distance, my leg weak. Sun dey hot, transport go eat my money. Na wahala upon wahala.

If I waka go and come tomorrow, no time to write experiment report, and I fit no even see udara tree wey big reach the old one.

I dey so worried, sleep no gree me. I just dey hold my phone dey scroll anyhow.

My eye dey red, sleep dey run from my body. I just dey check WhatsApp, dey refresh group.

Suddenly, I see person post for school WhatsApp group: "I wan buy fat rats wey chop canteen leftover for experiment, DM with price."

I laugh small. Na only for Naija you go see people dey buy rat for research like commodity.

Person reply: "I get, DM."

If to say na better market, dem for add price list join.

Ah?

Even this one dey sell?

This WhatsApp group na correct something.

If you need anything for this life, just check WhatsApp group. I don see person sell okrika, pure water, even pass exam runs.

I bite my lip, the thing dey tempt me.

If dem fit get canteen rats, why dem no go get udara tree?

Na so sharp idea enter my head. I just reason say nothing dey impossible for this group.

So I post: "Who get udara tree, DM with price."

I no even form, I just yarn am straight. My wahala no get brake.

"I need udara tree!! Urgent urgent urgent urgent urgent urgent urgent urgent urgent urgent."

I dey add urgency make dem know say e be matter of life and death.

Na true wahala, I send ten messages back to back.

I no even care if dem go block me for spam. Na survival mode I enter.

Honestly, I no get hope. Who dey keep udara tree for hostel?

If I talk true, e fit even be abomination. But Naija no get law for plant wey pass like that.

But me, I no wan give up any chance.

Even if na small branch, I go collect.

After I post, I comot from chat, plan say make I first go write my experiment report.

As I dey try focus, I just dey hear phone dey buzz, my mind dey shake—maybe miracle dey happen.

But e never tey, person reply for group: "You wan udara tree? DM."

As I see am, my heart beat increase. I nearly shout for room.

No be joke?

I dey even check make sure say I no dey hallucinate.

E dey real?

For my mind, I dey reason say God fit use WhatsApp deliver my helper.

No wonder dem dey call am almighty WhatsApp group—dem dey deliver.

If person fit get exam expo, why dem no go get udara?

I rush add the person.

Hand dey shake as I dey press the add button. Hope just dey my chest.

The profile show say na girl, avatar na meme, nickname na… [Head dey hot like generator].

This one dey use cruise scatter WhatsApp. I reason say she get vibe.

Definitely one kain funny person.

Na people like this dey scatter group with cruise and gist. I just dey hope say she no go scam me.

She accept me sharp sharp, and as I dey anxious, I message her quick: "Hi, how tall your udara tree be?"

I try arrange the message, make I no look too desperate, but as wahala hold me, my sharp mouth betray me.

"186, maybe 187."

I pause. 186cm? Na sapling or tree wey dey compete with basketball net?

I remember my supervisor own na about 18cm too.

I dey hope say e no go mismatch. If not, I go chop slap from supervisor.

Then I reason say supervisor own don dey bear fruit.

So I ask: "E get fruit? How the thing dey? Long? Big? Person fit chop am?"

I try form small research sense. For mind, I dey pray say e go answer well.

She pause long for [the other party is typing…].

The suspense dey kill me. I even tap phone screen make sure data never finish.

Then reply: "You…"

I dey reason say which kain suspense be this one? If to say na film, sound effect go play.

"Wetin? Udara tree no dey bear fruit?"

I dey try understand if na tree or another wahala I don enter.

"E dey, but I no dey look am."

This kain answer dey confuse person. Na so she dey form mysterious seller.

After small time, she reply: "From how e be, e big. If you wan chop… you fit chop."

For my mind, I dey pray say make no be coded message for something else.

"You fit send photo?"

I try still maintain hope. Even if na blurry, make I see something.

"…E no too easy like that."

E get as e be. Why tree wey person dey sell go hard to snap?

"Wetin dey hard for am?"

Na now my suspicion dey increase. But as Naija girl, I still dey push.

"You wan lose your account?"

That one shock me. How tree photo go make WhatsApp block person?

Which kain wahala? How looking udara go make me lose account?

I dey suspect maybe she dey sell fake.

She add: "No too easy to snap, just check am when you come collect."

She dey form riddle now. Na so Naija sellers dey do if dem no get real product.

"Oya, I dey rush, you fit deliver now?"

I just tire. I agree make I even see wetin go happen.

"Yes."

My mind settle small. If e go deliver, no wahala, let me see am.

Na so I really buy one! My body just dey sweet me, I curl for bed dey cover my mouth, rush confirm with the seller: "How much? I go transfer you, abeg abeg deliver am reach me on time, I really need am!"

I even dey ready to beg, cry if need be. As wahala dey my neck, pride dey comot through window.

"No wahala, I go run am for you. As you dey so serious, I no go charge extra, just collect eighty-eight thousand as bride price."

Bride price join? This matter don pass tree—e don enter family meeting.

Me: "……"

My brain pause, I even wan ask if na joke or cult initiation.

Eighty-eight thousand? Why you no just carry gun?

Na small thing remain I go ask if e come with generator.

Bride price? Na marriage?

Abeg, this kain cruise fit land person for Yaba Left. But as wahala hold me, I just dey beg.

I no fit hold am, I ask: "Which kind udara tree be this, you dey sell am this cost?"

As I dey ask, I dey reason if to call my mama make she pray for me.

"You no sabi udara tree? Campus fresh boy level—eighty-eight thousand no too much."

This one dey use style hype product. For Naija, na so dem dey do—if you no get mouth, nobody go answer you.

[Note: 'Campus fresh boy' mean the most handsome guy for campus.]

I dey imagine which kain fine tree go cost like this. Na wa o.

"Oya, no wahala."

I no understand how udara tree go be 'campus fresh boy.'

My eye dey roll, but as wahala hold me, I just send transfer.

But to avoid my supervisor wahala, eighty-eight thousand na small thing.

After all, if I reason am, na just the brown envelope my supervisor give me I dey spend.

I dey pray say at least, I go survive this semester.

We set time, I send her my hostel location.

I even dey pray make thunder no strike NEPA light before she deliver am.