Chapter 6: Last Madness, Last Laugh

As I see am, my blood just dey hot: I dey rev engine, tyre dey burn, smoke dey rise, compound dey silent like graveyard. 'Comot for road or I go jam you!' My voice loud, compound dey silent. Some women dey peep from their window, dey whisper, 'E go jam am?'

Other guards see my face, dem comot for road sharp sharp, no wan wahala. Dem dey reason say if fight start, who go help them? No be them get estate.

But the unlocking guard stand gidigba, dey look me eye: E cross hand, mouth twist, 'No dey do like hard man. If you get mind, jam me na.' He no blink. I dey see say e dey shake small. For his mind, e no sure say e fit face me.

I lose am. I reverse back, press accelerator, tyre dey shout, black smoke dey blow. Tyre burn for ground, noise loud. People begin run, pikin dey shout, 'Fire! Fire!'

As the guy smell rubber, fear catch am. E no be real madman, just local agbero wey like money. Greedy people dey fear for their life. E dodge, hold keke, run side. Other guards dey shout, 'No go die for this work o!'

As I release brake, e dodge commot. E no wan lose life because of estate lock. I see am dey shake, e mouth open like fish. I no even look am. When my mama recover, I go settle am. For now, revenge dey wait. My phone dey vibrate, my wife dey call, but I dey focus.

As I reach gate, e lock again. Big padlock dey shine, chain heavy. Na wah for these people. I carry angle grinder, wan cut, but battery don die after all the lock I cut. I no fit cut gate again. My luck don finish. I dey hiss, dey curse inside mind. Sun dey hot, sweat dey my body.

Na so guards ride come with their keke, all their own lock don saw comot. Dem dey form strong, but na only mouth. Nobody wan near my shovel. I carry shovel from my boot. If fight start, I no dey run. I hold am like warrior, leg steady. One guard dey laugh, 'Oga, abeg no wound person.'

Other guards see say I hold shovel, dem no gree near. Dem just dey do work, no wan die. Dem dey form busy, dey carry broom, but eye still dey me.

'Open gate!' I shout give gate guard. Voice loud, echo for compound. Gate guard hide behind booth, dey peep. E hide for booth, no gree come out.

I dey shout, 'If you no open, I go scatter this place!' But e no send.

Unlocking guard waka come shout: E dey shout from far, 'You wan make we open gate? Pay for the locks wey you break and fine, then we go let you go.' Voice dey tremble small, but e dey try form strong.

'Who you be to dey fine me? Those locks—who send you clamp my car?' I dey point shovel, eye red. Na small remain, fight go start.

'No dey talk too much. If you no pay, forget about driving out today.' E dey bounce leg, dey form strong, but e dey hide behind gate. E no wan fight face to face this time.

Na so e dey talk from back, dey form big man. But e no fit come front.

'Oga, I go open gate myself!' I kick iron gate, ready force am open. Gate shake, but chain strong. People dey watch, dey whisper, 'E fit break?'

Na that time police car rush come. Sirens dey blare, people dey scatter. For my mind, I dey talk, 'Finally!'

I no even expect say dem go call police. I dey wonder, 'Who go call police?' Na this estate wahala reach station.

As police show, I calm down, explain everything. My voice steady, I show dem transfer alert, show video for phone. Police dey write, dey nod.

Police hear finish, dem shock. Dem face the security guard: Policewoman shout, 'You clamp car and still fine people? Na true?'

I think say the guard go deny, but e just talk boldly: E raise hand, talk, 'Yes. If you park anyhow for estate, we go clamp and fine.' He dey act like say na law court. Police dey eye am.

'You no sabi law? Your estate management no get right to dey clamp car or fine!' Police dey vex. She dey tap notebook for palm, dey try keep calm. People dey watch, dey form judge and jury.

Guard see police, no fit fight, but still dey do strong head: 'Our chairman talk say if you enter here, na our rule you go follow. If you break am, we go punish you.' He no dey look police for eye again. E dey mumble.

Police just shake head: 'Your chairman no be law. Go call am, make I yarn with am.' E point, 'Go bring your oga!'

Soon, the chairman come, carry us go office. Na short, fat man, e wear big agbada, dey sweat. Office no get fan. E dey smile, dey try beg.

Police don vex already. As we enter, dem start to shout: 'You get mind, dey lock car and dey fine people without authority? Refund their money, let them go. If this matter blow, wahala go land on your head.'

Police voice loud, even the chairman wife peep from inside, dey shake head.

Chairman no gree: E dey talk, 'Oga police, we fit return fine, but e break our lock. E suppose pay us.' E dey count finger, like say e dey do calculation for market.

Police look me: 'Na true?'

I nod, 'Yes, but na because dem clamp my car illegally!' I dey try hold voice, but my anger dey show.

Police sigh: E shake head, write something. 'Make una try settle am.'

Chairman pretend think, then talk: E rub head, say, 'Forget the fine, but you break four locks. Pay ₦80,000, we go rest.' Voice low, but e dey try form boss.

'For what? I no go pay one kobo. Na you clamp my car, nearly kill my mama, now you wan collect money? You suppose return my ₦90,000!' My voice crack. People dey look, dey nod head. Some dey whisper, 'Na true.'

We begin argue, almost fight. Police stop us: Oga police shout, 'If una no gree, we dey go station!'

Police waka commot. Everybody stand up. I dey pack my things. My wife dey whisper, 'Calm down.'

As I dey follow, I just hear police oga shout: 'Na wa o! Dem even clamp police car!'

Everybody rush go look, even chairman run. For gate, police dey stand, dey look hin car—four locks, notice for windscreen. For compound, laughter begin burst, people dey shake head. Na real Lagos madness be this. For this Lagos, even police no dey safe from wahala.