Chapter 4: Wedding Gowns and Scars

I no fit stop to dey shake anytime I see Suleiman. Even after we don dey sleep for the same bed for three weeks. My body dey react before my mind fit talk. Nobody help me. When my mama hear say person like Suleiman wan marry me, she happy sotey if she fit, she for go church thank God. She even talk say our family don hit jackpot.

Suleiman don change car again, this one back seat big die. I no even know where he dey see all these exotic motor, the leather dey smell like new money. But me, I no like car wey back seat big. Partition don already rise; anything wey happen for back, nobody go know. My heart dey beat like generator.

But today, Suleiman just quiet. Maybe na because I dey shake—inside the car hot, but my body still dey tremble. I dey look window, my hand cold for lap.

He no even send, just pull me enter im body: "Zainab, you dey fear me reach like this?" Im voice low, dey touch my ear, and na im cause am sef, he know. The way he talk am, e dey soft but I fit hear command for inside.

"I go carry you go check wedding gown later, ehn?" I try hold myself make I no shake, but I still laugh small, the laugh no sweet. Who go believe—the person wey push me enter wahala before, now dey talk soft, say im go carry me go buy wedding gown. My mind just dey turn.

...

The shop wey Suleiman carry me go na inside private estate for GRA. As we enter, na cool AC blow us, the kind cold wey fit cut person skin. Crystal chandelier just dey scatter light everywhere, all the wedding gown for there dey shine. The gowns white pass cotton for Sallah, dem arrange dem like say na angels go wear am.

Me, I no even get interest to look, talk less of to choose. I just dey count the fake roses for shelf, dey look ground. I just leave am and the tailor make dem dey discuss which style dem go sew for me. Make the assistant measure my body with tape. I dey feel awkward, the tape cold for my skin, the tailor dey write measurement with biro for im palm.

Assistant offer me malt and chin-chin, but my stomach no gree. I just thank am, push the tray small, pretend say I dey focus on the fake flowers for shelf. The local treat dey remind me of childhood parties, but nothing fit settle my spirit today.

The backyard get small garden, na there I like pass. The place quiet, birds dey sing, water dey drip for small pond. So as dem dey talk, I lift my dress, waka go the small pond for back. My shoe sink small for the soft ground. For the end of the garden, I see one gate, e be like say if I pass there, na freedom road dey after. My heart dey beat hope, even if na lie.

To tell the truth, I don think to run many times. But anytime I gather liver, na then I go remember say I no get where to go. My mama dey beg me, say make I no do anyhow, say make I marry Suleiman. She talk say na blessing, no let devil use my hand spoil am.

I sit down by the pond till Suleiman finish with them come find me: "Wetin you dey think?" Na so so this kind way Suleiman dey look me from up. He cross im hand for chest, eye dey shine like person wey dey reason deep.

So I show am my hand. For my wrist, small red mark dey. Na round scar, keloid still dey round am. "See, na your lighter cause this one."

I dey talk about that time for secondary school, when im dey vex, drag me go one corner, press lighter for my skin. I remember the pain, the hotness, the way I bite my lip make I no shout.

E pain me sotey I forget every other thing wey he do that day. As I dey look the scar, my mind flash go one Hausa prayer wey I dey mutter that time: "Allah ya kare ni..." The words soft for my mouth, like shield wey no work. He look me, focus for my face, then squat down for my front. As I dey vex, I no go lie, Suleiman face fine no be small. Like say na sculptor for Benin carve am. The jaw sharp, the eyes clear like rainy season sky.

If he look person with soft eyes, anybody fit fall for am. No wonder Bible talk say devil face dey fine pass. He light cigarette for my front, flame dey shake. I jump back small, fear catch me say maybe he go burn me again.

But next thing, he press the cigarette for im own wrist, for the same place wey my scar dey. I hear the sizzle, I smell the smoke. He look me, talk soft: "E better small now, Zainab?"

...

I look down; the fresh wound dey red for im skin. For my mind, I dey confuse—na pain or pity dey win for my chest? He just pull me for im body. "Zainab, if to say I fit carry your pain join my own."

Fireflies dey fly for pond side, I dey look moon for water. Breeze dey shake small leaves, e dey cold but I no wan move. "Suleiman, you know say na you cause all this pain!" I talk am as my voice dey shake.

He freeze, then start to dey rub my hair small small. "Make I try pay for am, abeg?" E sound like person wey get small sense of shame for once.

...