Chapter 3: Karaoke Wahala

By the time I reach Mama Kemi's bukka, dem don finish chop. Na friends hangout, but I no get level to join—after all, I no be Amaka boyfriend. Na just her mumu I be.

The way I waka enter, everybody look me like stranger wey no get invitation. Amaka just dey balance for Tunde body, dey laugh, dey form love. Me, I just stand for corner, dey look like security guard wey dem no pay.

That time, Amaka dey rest for her current boyfriend Tunde shoulder like say na there she belong. As she see me, she arrange herself, come order, "Go pay the bill. I don dey wait since."

No hello, no smile. She just talk am like say na my duty. Her eye sharp, voice cold, even Tunde sef look me with small pity.

I nod, waka go counter. Her friends begin talk:

"This guy dey do anything wey Amaka talk."

"Ikenna na real mumu."

"He know say Amaka get boyfriend, still dey treat her like queen. Which kind wahala love be this?"

As dem dey talk, I just dey hear am for my back. Some dey whisper, some dey laugh. One even snap my picture, send for group chat. But as usual, I bone face, do as if e no concern me.

I don used to all this talk. For Amaka front, I no get pride. For her friends side, na just the mumu wey dey answer her call I be.

I dey carry myself like say nothing dey. Sometimes, I go smile, make dem no know as e dey pain me. Deep inside, I dey beg God make my mumu tenure expire fast.

I smile as usual. "Na Amaka friends be this? Amaka talk say she wan sing later. I don already book karaoke, keke dey wait for una."

I dey arrange things like event planner wey dem no go pay. I dey smile for face, but my heart dey cry. Na so I be.

I lead them go the keke wey I order, open door for them.

I stand for keke door like conductor, dey arrange dem one by one. As dem dey enter, some dey look me up and down, some dey whisper. Na this life I dey live for ten years.

"Why you still dey here? You wan follow us go sing? Look yourself—na you suppose dey among us?"

As she don enter keke and see say I still dey, Amaka frown, begin para for me.

Her face change. She hiss, "Ikenna, you dey follow us go? Who call you?" Her eye sharp like knife, mouth twist. Even the keke man look me with confusion.

"Amaka, Ikenna na the one wey book the place. Make e follow us," even Tunde self talk.

Tunde try balance the matter, talk like say he wan help. I look am, nod, but I no wan cause wahala.

I smile give Tunde. "No wahala. Amaka no like to dey see me. I no wan spoil her mood. Just take care of her. I don already pay for private room and drinks. If e no reach, let me know."

I talk am gentle, like person wey dey apologize for breathing. My hands dey my back, my eye for ground. People for road dey watch the drama, dey shake head.

Then I look Amaka with all the love wey dey my heart. "Amaka, enjoy yourself. I dey go."

I bend small, do like say I dey salute her. My heart dey heavy, but my mouth dey form smile. Na so I dey play my role.

As I finish see them off, I breathe out. This na my tenth year of mumu life. Because of her, I dey owe everywhere, and this 24/7 mumu life don scatter my work and everything. But e remain small, e go end soon.

I look sky, talk for inside, "God, abeg, make my own reward quick reach." For my mind, I dey count seconds.

Still, I no fit relax after I reach house—dey fear say Amaka go still cause wahala for karaoke.

My phone dey for silent, but I dey press am every five minutes. My chest dey jump, e be like say wahala dey wait for me. I just dey restless.

As expected, around 2am, my phone ring: "Amaka don drunk, fight for karaoke, scatter the place. She dey call you make you come pay."

As I see Tunde name for screen, I no need prophet tell me say kasala don burst. My eye clear immediately.

Na Tunde call. To make sure my mumu complete, I get all her boyfriend numbers—dey serve not just her, but her men too.

E funny, but true. I dey carry list of all her men, dey save their contacts like customer care. Once wahala show, na me dem dey call. My life na open service.

I quick answer. "No wahala, just dey with her. I dey come now."

I don already wear cloth, dey rush out. For my mind, na only small time remain—after all, na the work wey I sign up for.

Before I drop call, Amaka own vex voice enter: "Ikenna, come here sharp sharp."

Her voice dey echo for phone, like thunder. I no fit argue, na so I carry myself rush go meet her.

I squeeze through hold-up for Ojuelegba, sweat dey my back, but na Amaka call I dey answer.

Even when NEPA take light, if Amaka call, I go find where to charge phone.

When I reach, everywhere don scatter. Amaka enter wrong room, fight another group, scatter their room.

The room smell of sweat, spilled beer, and wahala. People dey point finger, manager dey sweat, security dey block door. Amaka just dey waka up and down, dey shout. My head begin dey pain me as I see the level of wahala.

Karaoke manager dey wait for me to pay for damages, the other group dey threaten police because dem injure. Amaka wahala no be small.

Manager show me bill, na so my eye turn. The other group dey block door, dey threaten me. Police matter dey fly up and down. I begin sweat, dey calculate how I go fit survive this night.

I ask the manager for the bill, then go next room beg the people, try settle am quietly.

I kneel down for the injured guy, dey beg, "Oga abeg, no vex. She don high, no be so she dey behave." My voice dey shake, but I dey try package myself like peacemaker.

But dem no gree, say Amaka must come apologize. "So na to pay after you beat person? You think say money na everything?"

The guy wey get big cut for forehead dey para. Him guys dey back am, dey shout. E be like say wahala fit reach police station if I no handle am well.

"No be you deserve am? Wetin make I beat you?" Amaka don high, dey talk anyhow.

Amaka just dey run her mouth. Even Tunde shock, dey hold her hand, dey try calm her. People for the room dey record video, dey shout.

"Amaka, abeg stop. Go apologize," Tunde face don change as he dey try talk sense.

Tunde voice don high, e dey beg her, dey try form mediator. My own heart dey beat fast—na so the night dey go.

"I no dey go. I no do anything wrong."

Amaka dey stubborn. Her eyes red, body dey shake. I know say this one pass normal alcohol. Na wahala full body.

"You wrong na. You drunk, you beat person. You must apologize."

Tunde dey try reason like normal human being.

Tunde still dey form mature, dey try settle fight. People dey look am like say him dey talk to wall.

But Amaka, as I don spoil her finish, no send. She hiss, turn face me: "Ikenna, you fit stand make I go apologize?"

She look me, hiss, her nose dey up. Na me she dey use as shield, like say I go stop thunder from falling.

I just sigh, shake head, go meet the guy wey dem injure. "Oga, abeg, my friend don high. How much make we settle am? Make we do am like men."

I dey kneel, dey beg, dey try speak pidgin wella. My face dey humble, my pocket dey cry.

"If she apologize, five hundred thousand go do. If she no gree, you go pay two million," the guy talk, press where Amaka knack am for forehead, the bill heavy.

Na so my heart do gbim. Two million for one slap! But if na to avoid police wahala, wetin man go do?

"Ikenna, pay am the money. I no dey apologize," Amaka still dey add fuel.

She cross hand, dey look another side. Tunde just dey watch, people dey record video. Na me dey carry the cross.

I just grit teeth, nod. "Okay, oga, give me small time. My card no reach, I go use bank app transfer, as the money land I go send."

I no get choice. Even if na to borrow, I go borrow. Na the work wey system give me be that.

Anyway, next month my ten years go complete. As the billion drop, this one na small thing.

I dey reason say, "E remain small. Soon, all this suffer go end." Still, my chest dey tight as I dey click loan app.

As I open loan app sharp sharp, my hand dey shake as I dey type PIN—if dem decline me now, na wahala. The injured guy shock. He laugh, "So you broke, still dey form big boy?"

He look me up and down, dey laugh. E pain me, but I still dey beg.

I look Amaka with loyal dog eyes. "I just no wan make the woman wey I love suffer."

My face dey soft, my eye dey water. Even the bouncer for the place dey pity me small.

Amaka smile, face Tunde. "You see? Your boyfriend no reach Ikenna the loyal mumu."

She shine teeth, dey show Tunde. Her voice get pride, like say she win jackpot.

Tunde, as normal person, no fit handle this kind wahala. He still try argue, "Na you start fight. You just dey misbehave..."

Tunde try maintain small dignity, but e no easy. People dey look am, dey expect am to vex.

Amaka cut am. "Boyfriend work na to dey good to your babe, support her anyhow. As my boyfriend, you no even reach Ikenna."

She dey compare both of them openly. I dey stand, dey wonder which kind love triangle be this.

Tunde vex, face squeeze, eye full of frustration. "Okay, make we break up. Go date Ikenna. No dey drag normal people into your madness."

E talk am, voice loud. E no even look her face, just dey shake head. Room quiet small, everybody dey listen.

Amaka just shrug. "Break up no be problem, but I no go date Ikenna. Na just my mumu. How e go reach that level?"

She talk am like say I no fit ever cross that line. For her, na mumu get rank—boyfriend na another thing.

Yes, from when I dey young reach now, Amaka don change boyfriend tire, but me, na the mumu I still be.

My own position dey fixed. Boyfriend dey expire, but mumu no dey retire. Even the DJ for karaoke don know my face.

People always talk say Amaka boyfriend dey come and go, but the mumu dey always dey. Even if world end, I go still dey back Amaka, dey mumu for her.

My guys for area dey use my gist teach small boys, "No let woman use you do permanent mumu."

The guy wey collect my two million shock. "So after all this, you just dey mumu for her?"

He look me, dey try understand my life. His own eye dey red, but e still dey pity me.

I nod. "To dey mumu sweet o. I fit stop anytime, start anytime. E dey give me peace of mind."

I raise shoulder, do small pose. Some dey laugh, some dey shake head. For my mind, I dey reason the billion wey dey come.

I hold Tunde wey wan go. "I just be Amaka mumu, no reason say anything dey between us. Abeg, no break up with her because of me. Amaka go vex..."

I try plead, dey talk low voice. I no wan make the matter spoil pass as e be.

"Break up na break up. No be only Tunde dey for this world. Ikenna, leave am."

Amaka point me, but her eye dey on Tunde, dey watch am like hawk.

She dey watch Tunde every move, like say her life depend on am. Her voice shake small, but she no gree show am for face.

She still love am.

Deep down, her body language dey show say Tunde still be her real person. Na me just be side attraction for mumu role.

But Tunde, as normal guy, no fit take this kind insult.

Tunde don tire. E look around, see say people dey video, then just waka commot like say him don close chapter for him life.

He open mouth like say he wan talk, then waka go without look back, like person wey don decide.

As Tunde dey leave, room quiet. Even Amaka no talk again. She look ground, dey hold her bag like say she dey lose something important.

As he waka go, Amaka just squat down begin cry.

Her cry loud, people dey look. Some dey record, some dey shake head. Me, I just dey there, dey look her like wetin I go do.

"No cry, I go help you win am back tomorrow."

I talk am like person wey dey assure child for market. My hand dey her shoulder, dey try make her stand.

I pull her up, use tissue clean her tears, dey console her.

My hand dey gentle, my heart dey heavy. For my mind, I dey calculate the days, dey pity her small.

"Ikenna, you too good to me. I go allow you stay by my side dey mumu for me forever."

She talk am with pride, like say na chieftaincy title she dey give me. People for the room dey look us, dey talk for back.

Amaka sniff, like say na big honour she give me.

I just smile, shake head, for my mind dey reason. Na this mumu work go soon end, she no even know.

For face, I nod happy, but inside me I just dey sigh—na small remain, the task go end soon. I fit only mumu for you for one more month.

My heart dey heavy, but my face dey form joy. Na the last lap I dey run so.

Amaka Mumu Experience Card don almost expire, and my own billion dey come. All those big cars and fine babes no go be dream again.

I dey see my future for my mind—money, peace, respect. This my mumu go soon pay.

The injured guy see as I just dey drop money, and as I be mumu reach, he no too push again, even return one million. He talk, "Bros, for this Lagos, no let anybody use your head chop suya."

He look me, shake head, say, "Bros, I respect you. At least you get loyal heart." He push one million back to me. "No let woman use you finish."

Before he go, he tap my shoulder, advise me, "Why you dey stress yourself? If e no work, find person wey get better character mumu for. You be good guy."

I smile, thank am, dey wonder whether na only me dey this kind life.

I borrow more money settle the karaoke bill, then carry Amaka go house.

As I balance her for back seat, she still dey sniff, her eye red. I dey drive slow, make she no vex again. For my mind, I dey count last days, dey pray make my own day break soon. But for this Lagos, you fit plan, na wahala fit plan you.