Chapter 6: Ibadan Wahala

I catch early morning flight go Ibadan, hide for two weeks, begin dey relax. System dey try fix the plot, I go bar flex.

Ibadan life slow pass Lagos. I dey chop amala, dey look people dey dance. Gangan drum dey beat for background, pepper soup smell dey mix with sweat and dust. System dey send me message, but na me dey control remote now. For two weeks, I dey rest, dey flex.

"Give me your finest male models."

I talk am with style, as if I dey cast movie. For my mind, I dey test new territory. Ibadan boys get their own swag, dem dey fine die. My eye dey shine, my body dey sweet me.

All of them fine scatter. I just dey select.

Na real selection. My friends for Lagos for talk say I dey do like Aunty Funke for wedding—na only best dey enter plate.

Suddenly, bullet comments scatter:

[Wahala, villain don spot babe—run o!]

[E fly from Kaduna reach here, no talk, no chop, no greet, just dey find person.]

[Three days e dey waka Ibadan, no rest till e find am. Like ghost.]

My heart miss beat.

That kain message fit make person choke on palmwine. For my mind, na film I enter. I dey look left, dey look right, dey pray make thunder no strike here.

One male model hold my hand, bring am close to him mouth.

Na so e try use Ibadan charm, voice low. I dey smile, dey watch as e dey package. For my mind, I dey compare am with Ifedike.

"Sis, why you dey rush? Make I show you my abs?"

E voice dey smooth, but my mind dey somewhere else. For this side, na mouth dey win woman sometimes.

I turn—and na so I see Ifedike, face dark like thunder. Him hair don grow, scatter for him face. E look me with that deep black eye. I just shrink enter model hand.

The way e take stand, na like lion for bush. My body cold, mouth dry. E eye dey cut person like knife. For my mind, I dey beg God make this no turn to townhall disgrace.

Ifedike waka come, him voice low, danger full am.

For this life, when Naija man lower voice, wahala dey. I dey look escape route, but leg no move.

Him eye dey shine like snake tongue.

E dey look through me, no blink. Na like say spirit dey talk to me, not be person. My chest dey drum, my palm dey sweat.

"Wife, you no want me again?"

E voice soft, but na threat dey hide inside. My throat dry.

"I..."

I dey try talk, but words no come out. My brain dey blank, body dey shake.

"Who you be? Sis na my own. No try am."

E face the model, eye dey fire. For this country, na so man dey claim woman, no shame. My body dey shake, but I dey try balance.

Model try drag me closer. As I see pain for Ifedike eye, I quick send model away.

I raise hand, push model, face down. I no wan add wahala on top.

Ifedike kneel for my front, head up, act like say e soft. Nobody go believe say na him go turn villain later. E begin open him shirt one by one, neck white like milk. E shy, drop eye, hand dey shake. E crawl near, press body for my leg.

People for bar pause, some dey snap with phone, others dey shout, "Ewo! See as fine boy dey beg woman!"

For Ibadan, if man kneel for public, na heavy matter. The way Ifedike dey do am, na like person wey dey beg for forgiveness. My heart dey melt small, but I still dey guard mind.

"Wif...e, I no go tell you no again. Na only you fit comot my cloth. I fit... talk dirty, you want sweet or dirty talk?"

E dey stammer, but my heart dey trip. Na the longest way Ifedike don ever talk to me. For my mind, na win-win.

I shock—na the longest way Ifedike don talk to me. Bullet comments scatter:

[Na true? How babe turn villain to this level?]

[You force am so tey, autistic guy dey talk dirty now. Na legend!]

[Abeg, make villain take over!]

[Haha, villain first time buy condom, blush like virgin.]

[I don record am—video.mp4]

[If villain turn dark: bring that video come chief’s court.]

For area, na so people go dey gossip, dey use phone record. For my mind, na only God fit judge this matter.

System never fix plot—how I go move?

System dey do like government, no solution. I dey weigh my option—make I japa or make I stay?

Ifedike see say I quiet, pain full him eye. E bring out one box from pocket.

The way e dey bring out the thing, e hand dey shake. I dey try guess wetin e fit be. My body dey tense.

"I, I buy am for you. Now... I fit."

Na condom e bring out, na so my chest catch. E dey do like small pikin wey dey bring gift for teacher. My hand dey tremble, I dey try hold face.

E be like concubine dey beg for attention. My hand dey shake, but I hold myself.

For my mind, I dey wonder whether to take am, or just waka commot. E dey look me with hope, like pikin wey dey beg for meatpie.

"I no like this brand. No vex, make we go house first."

I try dodge, make e no feel bad. For Naija, sometimes you go need style talk truth.

Ifedike face fall more, but e still insist:

E dey try hold tears. My chest dey tight. I dey see say na real love dey hide behind the wahala.

"E get bump—the one you dey like."

For my mind, na so man dey observe woman, dey keep data. I dey weak.

I—

I dey lost, mouth no fit talk. Bullet comments just dey burst. I quick cover Ifedike mouth, before e talk pass this one.

Ifedike quiet, tears dey full him eye as e look me. Suddenly, my hand wet.

E shock me say tears fit flow like that. For Lagos, na only deep pain fit make man cry like that. My own heart dey shake.

Even bouncer for club no dey cry reach this one—na real wahala.

I shock, remove hand.

"Wife, you like puppy lick too, abi?"

E voice soft, but na play. My mind dey turn, I dey laugh inside. For this country, if man begin dey do this kain, na love don hook am.

E shock me o.

Even as I dey shock, one kind sweet dey rise for my body.

Na so goosebumps dey my skin. I dey try form hard, but my heart don dey soft. For Ibadan, sun dey hot, but my body dey warm from another thing.