Chapter 2: Shame and Jollof Secrets

For a moment, I just no sabi wetin to talk. Everywhere just dey awkward for me. I no even fit look Tobi face. I push am comot, pick my clothes from ground and just wear am anyhow.

As I dey struggle wear my jean, my mind dey scatter. Mosquito bite still dey scratch my leg, but shame dey cover everything. Na so something choke me for throat, shame dey my body. The room wey dey smell of his perfume just dey press me from all sides. My hands dey fumble like small pikin.

“Kamsiyochukwu, look here.” Tobi rest him chin for hand, him eyes dey playful.

He get one kin childish grin, as if say he no dey see my mind dey run upandan. His voice calm, almost mocking.

“You no really dey think say we dey date, abi?”

That word ‘bedmate’ just dey ring for my head, my hand dey shake small. Even my bra self, I no fit hook am well.

My heart dey pound. E be like breeze blow all my sense comot for head.

Tobi lift the duvet, show him slim, strong waist, then half-kneel for bed. He just stretch hand, help me hook the bra sharp sharp.

As his finger brush my skin, small electricity run for my back. I wan vex, but I just swallow the feeling. My mind dey confuse.

I bend my head. “Who be the blind date?”

I force laugh, bitter for my mouth. “No be say Uncle Tunde just carry anybody from matchmaking corner come?”

My laugh just dry like harmattan, as I dey pack my hair anyhow. I try hide my face for mirror make he no see the way my eyes dey red.

As I see all the red marks for my body for mirror, my leg still dey shake, shame just hold me like say make ground open.

I remember how hostel girls go dey look body, dey whisper as if dem never do pass. The way girls dey talk anyhow if dem see mark for body, I just pray make nobody notice.

Tobi, just dey wear gray sweatpants, lean in, bury head for my neck:

“Na Halima.”

His voice low, almost like secret. The way he talk am, you go think say na important thing him dey confess.

He raise him fine, sharp eyes repeat:

“That senior for art department for university—Halima.”

The name hang for air. E be like rain dey gather for sky. I fit feel my heart drop.

“Truth be say, I dey even nervous to meet her.”

My hand wey dey hold lipstick just pause. Of course I remember.

I dey look Tobi face, the way e dey serious. That time wey we dey campus, Halima na babe wey everybody dey hail. E get as e be.

Before, Tobi bin like her, but before e fit talk, she don travel go abroad.

I remember the way he dey always dey watch her for class, dey do as if e no concern am. But for night, na her matter dey his lips.

I think say all that one don pass...

I been dey hope say na old gist, but see as life be. My chest just dey tight.

Tobi dey look me, lips tight. “Kamsi, abeg no dey get any funny idea for your mind.”

He talk am softly, as if e dey beg. E no wan wahala. The kind look wey he give me be like say he dey try shield himself.

“We grow up together, even naked. And even though you... fine well well, I always see you as my guy.”

I wan smile, but the pain just dey my heart. For Tobi eye, I just be padi. E pain me, but I gats act strong.

“You be my best food padi, car padi, bedmate...”

E be like say dem carry plank knock my head. My body just cold, as I dey look Tobi smile, I force my mouth to bend small.

I feel my chest dey squeeze. I force myself make I nod, as if I no feel anything.

He continue, “Besides, I sabi all your clothes, even your pant—if dem ask me, I fit guess the one you go wear.”

The way he dey talk am, e dey play, but I know say e dey try run from the real talk.

“Abeg, e dey boring.”

I gree with small laugh, my voice just crack.

“Sometimes I go wake for night, see you dey sleep beside me, fear go catch me—”

As he talk, his voice low, almost whisper.

“Fear say if we really gree do as our family dey joke marry, my life go just finish one time.” E talk am like person wey dey confess for night vigil.

I dey hear pain for him voice, and I dey feel my own pain double. The way he shiver, I know say e dey serious.

As he talk, he even shiver.

I see goosebumps for his arm. I know say this thing no be play.

Just the thought alone dey give am goosebumps.

I look the window, pretend say I dey find something for my bag. Na lie. I dey fight tears.

I dig my nails for my palm, try hold tears.

I fit feel my palm dey pain me, but na better pain pass the one wey dey my chest.

“I get something to do.”

I talk am sharp, voice dey shake. I just wan comot make I no break down for there.

With that, I just carry coat, rush comot like person wey dey run from fight.

As I waka out, I hear Tobi sigh, then hiss small. I no even look back.