Chapter 1: Ibadan Change Wahala

When I dey work as designated driver, one customer yarn me say e wan go one lounge for Ibadan go find babe.

As soon as the guy slide into my back seat, the air been full with that strong perfume wey dey announce say person dey try impress. Me sef just dey look am for mirror, as e dey adjust him gold chain and dey tap phone every second. For this Ibadan, lounge no dey ever dry—especially weekends, all these big boys dey show face for night life. Sometimes, as I dey drive dem around, I dey wonder if dem ever touch ground when dem small, or na only AC life dem sabi.

Who go believe am? Person wey dey drive Benz, dey spend thousands on top woman matter, but e still dey owe me two naira sixty kobo for driving fee.

As I dey drive am that day, the Benz dey shine, just dey announce itself for Ring Road traffic. Even conductor for danfo dey hail am, but him face no even shift. Me, I just dey calculate for mind how I go collect my money, as e dey gist loud with babe for phone. E go dey form say money no be problem, but na ordinary two naira sixty e dey owe person. If to say na person like my papa, e no go fit sleep well until e pay every kobo.

The total na fifty-two naira sixty kobo, but the guy just drop fifty. I message am, beg am make e balance the remaining, but instead, the guy reply me with insult: “Abi you dey craze? Na two naira sixty you dey chase me for? You be mumu?”

As I read the message, my hand dey shake. I remember my mama voice for my head: 'No let anybody use you do mumu for this life.' The chat pain me well. As e type that ‘mumu’ with confidence, I just dey look the message, dey think say, if na olden days, my papa for don curse am make e no ever hold shishi. But for this Naija, everybody dey use sense; if you too soft, dem go run you street. E pain me reach bone, but I just dey reason the next move.

Anger just catch me, I carry my phone call police.

I no even think am twice. I dial police hotline sharp-sharp, my voice still dey shake small. If I leave this thing, tomorrow another person go run me street again. This Ibadan, na who first shout dey win case sometimes, so I gree, make police come show dem say, even small man get right.

You dey form big boy? You dey run girls? Abeg, go spend the night for cell for my sake.

I even imagine am for my mind—Benz owner, wey dey do big boy, dey explain to police for counter, “Oga, na two naira sixty!” Police sef go laugh am. Sometimes, na this small shame dey burst pride pass.