Chapter 1: The Condom Palava

A pack of ultra-thin condoms (the type wey dem dey hype for Instagram) fell out from my girlfriend’s clothes.

The carton hit the tile, and the echo bounce like NEPA wire for empty corridor—gbim, sound scatter everywhere. My mind do backflip, but I bone face as I pick am up, acting like e no shake me. For Lagos, this kain thing na wahala if dem catch am for wrong hand.

I picked it up. Immediately, bullet comments started floating everywhere in the air.

[See am, see am. Wetin condom dey prove? This guy too petty abeg.]

[No wahala, na normal thing. Sometimes friends just dey play, e fit be joke. But see as second male lead wan cause wahala.]

[Make him just dey dig him own grave. Abeg, make Chika go meet the main guy jare.]

The air just get thick, like say everybody for street dey gossip us for junction. E be like all those market women wey dey shout for Obalende. You know Naija, gist na fuel. Even spirit sef go join mouth put if dem see drama.

After small silence, I returned the box to Chika.

"Your condom don fall. No wait till you need am with another person and you no fit find am."

I drop am for her hand gently, but my eyes follow her own. For my mind, wahala dey cook, but I no go let dem see am for my face. Na so we dey do here — pride no dey gree us show all our feelings.

I dey allergic to polyurethane.

So I never get this kind thing for house before.

The truth be say, anytime I see those pack for supermarket, my body dey scratch me like say I chop wrong beans. Omo, I no even like to dey near am. My own, na pure latex or nothing. So this one just dey strange for my hand, like wetin person thief.

Chika look one side, small shame dey her face. "Na Goke. He win for truth or dare, come force me carry this thing for 24 hours."

Her voice dey low, but as she talk, a quick flash run for my mind—Chika with her friends, one babe rock Ankara top, Afrobeats dey blast from Bluetooth speaker, everybody dey laugh as dem play Truth or Dare. She talk am like say na nothing, but the way her ear dey red, I know say she dey shame small. For our side, this kain play na only for padi wey no get wahala. If na old people see am, dem go just dey shake head say 'this pikin generation!'

Bullet comments float again.

[No be normal game be that? See as second male lead wan start drama.]

[Why you go dey involve boyfriend for normal friendship matter?]

[As e be so, Goke go dey pain for corner.]

The comments dey sharp, like pepper for eye. E be like say all the spirit for neighbourhood just dey judge me from top of transformer.

I no like Goke.

Chika sabi this thing well well.

That time, me and my padi dey do street interview.

Na so we jam Chika and Goke, hand dey their hand.

We think say dem be couple, so my friend waka go interview them.

"Madam, you don download national anti-fraud app for your phone?"

Na so Lagos boys dey hustle. Anything wey go make dem trend, dem go try am. My padi self sharp mouth pass me. When e approach them, I just dey observe.

Chika just confuse. "No."

She raise brow like person wey dem catch unawares, her voice low, but e sweet for ear.

Before my friend fit talk again,

Goke just dey laugh one side.

The laugh loud, e wan draw attention. E resemble all those boys for Unilag wey dey do shakara because babe dey beside them. E carry voice come.

"She no go ever install anti-fraud. If she do, how she wan take reach Quark browser for her phone?"

People wey pass just dey look two of them. Goke dey raise shoulder like say na im get Chika.

After he talk finish,

he try put hand for Chika shoulder like say na normal.

But na that time he notice Chika dey look me straight, her eyes dey shine.

That shine no be ordinary. Na the kind way person dey look you if dem get something for mind but dem never fit talk. For Lagos, if babe look you like that, just know say e get another gist.

Later later,

as Chika dey drop hint, na there I come realise say them no be couple at all.

She dey use style tell me, dey use body language. For Naija, na so e dey start — just small talk, small glance.

Goke na her bestie.

Dem dey run same circle—na male bestie.

Everybody sabi that one person wey dey always near your babe, dey act like say na nothing dey happen. Na that kain wahala dey make boy man eye red for party.