Chapter 1: The Secret Weighs Heavy

I am intersex, and I secretly get feelings for my aloof roommate.

Sometimes, I go dey stare him picture for my phone, dey bite my lip sotey if no be say God hold me, shout for don comot.

Sometimes, I go even squeeze my pillow, roll for bed small, dey imagine say e dey beside me. But for outside, na hard face I dey always carry show.

But for outside, na me and am dey always drag matter—two of us dey compete, dey chase and provoke each other like say we no fit ever agree.

Sometimes our wahala sef dey make other people for hostel dey laugh, say dem no sabi who stubborn pass. We go argue about food, about football, even who go first off light for night. Like say two stubborn goat dey lock horn for one narrow bridge.

Until one day, my aloof roommate mistakenly find out my secret: say I be intersex.

After that day, e come dey enjoy raising my bed curtain for night, dey climb enter my bed.

I go dey hear the nylon sound of his slippers for the corridor, then e go lift my curtain like thief wey dey fear make light no show im face. Sometimes, e go just sigh, that heavy sigh wey get meaning, and my heart go dey beat kpokpo for my chest.

“Just calm down, no move.”

E voice dey low, like person wey dey beg but still dey warn.

“Abeg, make I see you well.”

Sometimes, as e dey talk, e go softly touch my cheek, like say e dey try collect all my fear with im hand. For that darkness, my own body go dey shiver, but e dey gentle, e dey patient.

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1

“Why e be like say blood dey smell for here? Person injure for our dorm?”

The air get one kind iron smell, mix with Dettol and old socks—everybody just dey sniff, dey find the source. The kind way the question land, everybody just pause. You go hear the shuffle of slippers for tile, the way boys dey pretend say dem no dey fear but na lie. I dey hear my own heart beat like drum for festival.

“No o, but I dey perceive am too.”

One guy carry hand go im nose, another one check im leg like say e just remember say e fit get wound. Our hostel dey always get one kind small wahala, so anything fit happen.

After everybody confirm say nobody wound, dem all turn face me.

“Uche, you injure?”

I dey wear headphones, dey talk for call. As I hear dem, I just raise my bed curtain with cold face. “No be me.”

I lock eye with Sani small, as if I dey warn am say make e no cross boundary, then I pull curtain down again.

I turn face the other side. “I dey talk to my babe. Abeg, no disturb me.”

My voice dey sharp, but inside me, I dey shake small. I dey hope say nobody go ask more question. For my mind, I just dey beg God: abeg, cover my secret, make nobody suspect.

“Oh, babe—see as you dey call am sweetly.”

The other boys just dey giggle, dey nudge each other. If you see the way dem dey look me, you go think say na me dey run things for here.

Na me first get ‘girlfriend’ for our hostel.

Everybody sabi say I be the first to yarn say I get babe, so dem dey always use me do example for banter. Even Sani, wey no get mouth before, go dey join talk.

But, na wash.

If you see my face that time, you go think say I dey proud, but na cover I dey form. My inside dey twist.

I know say for person like me, to even get normal relationship dey hard.

Sometimes I go look mirror, just dey wish say my own matter dey simple. I go fit carry person go date, no fear, no lie.

As for girlfriend—abeg, I no get.

I go dey practice fake call for mirror sometimes, just to make sure say my act dey tight. Nobody go fit suspect.

I get one secret wey I no fit talk.

I dey always press my chest at night, pray make my secret no leak. Sometimes, I go just dey imagine how e go be if I free to talk.

I be intersex.

Even though I dey look like normal boy outside, I get woman part for body, and every month, period dey come.

My body no dey allow me rest. Every month, I dey count days with fear. Na so so tight my chest dey always be.

E dey disturb me well well.

Sometimes, I go dey wish say make the wahala just pause small, make I fit breathe like others.

Na why I dey use girlfriend as excuse.

I don even learn how to arrange my face, how to talk the talk of person wey dey in love. All na to dey safe.

So, I fit waka go buy pad for supermarket ‘for my girlfriend’ without wahala. I go stand for queue, dey pray make I no jam anybody from hostel, dey form say I dey rush go meet babe.

Sometimes, the woman for supermarket go smile me one kind smile, like say she dey understand. I go just nod, carry my bag, waka commot.

But truth be say, na for myself I dey buy am.

I dey always dey fear say person go see me, talk another thing. But so far, God dey my side.

Because I no be like everybody.

For my mind, sometimes, I dey think say my body be like okada wey get foreign engine. Na mixture. But na me dey inside, na my life.

I dey always cold, no too dey talk, I dey avoid people, I no like make person too near me. But na fear dey do me—fear say dem go find out my secret.

I dey act stubborn, but e dey pain me to do like that. Sometimes, I go just dey pray say make dem leave me alone.

To make the whole thing real, I go even dey read fake couple chat from my phone, use my natural small husky voice: “I like you, sure na you I like. I no go ever leave you.”

My voice go soft small, like person wey dey shy, just to make e real well. Sometimes, I go change tone, make e sound like gist.

“We go see this weekend. Just hold on small.”

As I dey talk, my hand go dey shake small, but I go still dey smile, make my roommates no suspect.

After I talk finish, I go kiss my phone: “One kiss, bye-bye, see you this weekend.”

If you see my face that time, you go think say na true love. But na only me dey inside the drama.

Then I go end the call wey no even dey real.

As I drop phone, my heart go dey beat, sometimes my hand go cold. Na stress, but I go still smile small for face.

E dey tire me.

But because of am, my roommates believe say I get girlfriend.

Sometimes, e dey make me feel like I fit blend, like say I dey normal. Na small comfort, but e better than nothing.

Dem even dey use am catch cruise: “Uche, your babe dey clingy no be small.”

All the boys go burst laugh, Sani go even roll for bed. Sometimes, e go try use my slang talk to mimic my fake babe voice.

“See as I dey jealous. When my own babe go come?”

Another one go tap my leg: “Abeg, leave am. See Uche face—no be only girls, even boys go wan date am.”

Dem go raise eyebrow, dey yarn like say dem sabi me pass myself. My face go form vex, but na play.

I throw pillow give am. “Try am again, make I see.”

Everybody go shout, dodge the pillow, dey laugh.

“Oya, I hear, I don stop.”

E go raise hand like say e surrender, but e eyes still dey shine for joke.

Anytime dem dey play like this, my eye go just shift go meet Musa.

E dey always cool, sometimes e go just dey scroll im phone or dey read, but I dey notice say im mind dey for another place.

Na him dey sleep for bunk wey dey face my own—quiet, na bookworm, always top for result, fine like person wey dey act film, skin fresh like person wey chop correct palm oil soup. Girls plenty dey rush am but e dey use cold face chase all of dem.

For campus, everybody sabi Musa. Some dey call am "big head genius" but nobody fit reach am.

Whenever my roommates dey tease me about babe, na only him go just quiet.

Sometimes, I dey catch am dey watch me from corner eye, but e no dey join laugh.

E be like say e no like the fact say I get girlfriend.

One time, I see as e purse mouth, face hard, like say e dey vex but no wan talk.

Maybe e dey jealous say I start dey date before am?

I dey try reason am. Maybe e get one girl for im mind but the babe dey form for am? Or maybe e just no like noise.

But if to say na babe e want, e for get one sharp sharp—girls dey everywhere dey eye am.

Even junior girls dey send am food, dey write am letter. Musa na hot cake.

Because my belle dey pain me, after the call, I no even get strength to play. I just curl under my blanket, sweat dey my body.

I dey grip my stomach tight, dey count my breath. That time, everywhere just dey heavy for my chest.

Na that time I hear as my bed make kpa kpa sound.

For night, na only when everybody don quiet you go hear that kind sound. Na so fear catch me.

Before I know, my roommate don climb enter my bed, im body dey warm, e dey near me, I come dey feel one kind pressure.

My nose catch im cologne—clean, like person wey just baff. E heavy for that small space.

E use im leg lock my own, e knee dey press me between my thighs, like say e wan cage me for this small space.

My body stiff, na so my heart dey run race. I no fit talk, I dey wait make e commot but e no gree.

E support im hand for both side my head, e hand touch my forehead wey don dey sweat, e come frown. “You no dey okay at all. Why you no talk?”

Im voice low, concern full am. For that moment, I forget say I dey fear. I just dey look im eyes, dey wonder wetin e go do if e know the truth.

As I look Musa eye, my heart just dey jump.

Im eyeball dey shine, but im face still dey serious. I dey wonder if e dey see through my own cover.

“You fit waka? Make I carry you go health centre.”

Musa voice get that kind command wey no dey take no. But I stubborn small.

“No need, e go too stress you.”

My body dey tremble. I no want anybody follow me reach health centre. I dey beg for my mind, make e commot.

I just dey pray make e commot. “I go just use painkiller.”

My hand dey find the paracetamol for my locker, just to make e free me. My mouth dry.

For this close distance, fear dey catch me say e go smell the blood.

I dey bite my lip, dey pray say make e no notice. But the smell stubborn, e dey hang for air.

Musa look me well, then finally talk, “Okay.”

E pause like person wey wan say something, then e just sigh, shift body, jump down from my bunk.

As e climb down from my bed, I just breathe out.

Na so relief wash me. My body collapse for bed, I use my blanket cover face, dey whisper small prayer.

But na that time, Musa just talk, “I dey smell blood o. You injure?”

Im voice get worry for am. E come near again, as if e wan inspect wound.

“Make I check.”

Musa hand dey stretch, e eye dey search for my own.

My eye wan drop tears. “No, abeg, no need!”

The tears just dey push for my eye, but I fight am. I dey beg make e no look under blanket.

But before I fit talk another thing, after e check say nothing show outside blanket, e wan raise my cover.

I shift leg, hold the blanket tight, but fear dey scatter my mind.

Out of fear, I just bite im hand—serious bite.

My teeth jam im skin. Na so e shout.

Musa just shout small.

E drag hand back, look am, blood no dey but the mark dey red.

As I see the red mark, shame just dey swallow me. I wan talk sorry, but the word hook for my throat.

Finally, e leave me. “Sorry.”

E sound tired, like person wey no know wetin e do wrong.

E no talk again, just waka go down.

I hear the soft step as e waka reach im own bunk. My own mind no still rest.

Suddenly, guilt just hold me.

I dey look my hand, dey remember the taste of im skin. I dey blame myself.

But for this hostel, secret dey heavy like stone for chest. And Musa—na the only person wey fit break am.