Chapter 4: This Life, No More Mumu

"Chijioke, you no dey reliable at all!"

Uncle voice loud for WhatsApp, e even echo small. Old people sabi repeat matter for hours.

"For important matter, we no fit count on you! Abeg, buy bus ticket come back! How much bus ticket be? No dey selfish!"

I dey hear the stress for him throat. Na so dem dey guilt-trip you for Naija.

"How far about Ebuka? We still dey road, doctor call more than ten times, say dem fit amputate!"

Aunt voice dey shaky, like woman wey just finish marathon for market.

"Chijioke, you wey go school pass us, abeg, you decide, wetin we go do!"

If you get small English, dem go make you family judge for Naija.

As I off airplane mode, na so dozens of voice notes from uncle and aunt dey enter WhatsApp, each one one minute long.

My phone dey hot for hand, battery dey drop like sachet water for sun. If you see my WhatsApp, e resemble church service—plenty audio, different pitch. My battery sef dey fear.

I just listen to first two, leave the rest.

After first two, I just carry phone keep. Head fit burst if I continue.

My cousin sef send me voice note:

"Cousin, I get accident, dem wan cut my leg, cousin abeg save me, come quick!"

Him voice dey tremble, like small pikin dey beg for biscuit.

I no reply any message. I chop puff-puff for bus, then call my babe, tell am make she take leave from work and go Jos relax for a while.

To protect person wey you love, you go do wetin fit look strange. My babe dey surprise, but I just say: "No worry, go Jos first."

I also send her two hundred thousand naira.

For Naija, na money dey make things move. I no wan make she get wahala because of me. I wire her the money, sharp.

For my last life, na because of me she die—Ebuka kill her for our wedding day. That pain no gree leave me.

Every night, I dey see her face for dream. No way I go let am repeat for this life.

"Baby, abeg, just go Jos first. I go find you later."

She still dey wonder, but she trust me. For Naija relationship, trust na backbone. I thank God say she get sense.

As for Ebuka, I never even know wetin I go do. For this life, if I no put mouth, he fit even lose both legs.

My chest dey tight. If I talk, wahala; if I no talk, wahala. Na real Naija dilemma.

Person wey get sense no go put head for wahala. All the wahala of two lifetimes—I go settle am myself.

This time, I dey plan like person wey don learn from village witches. No more mumu moves.

My babe, this life, I must protect her well.

I dey pray, as I watch bus dey waka for night road. "God, abeg, this time no let devil win."

Thank God, my babe get sense. Even though she surprise, she still take leave, finish her work for the day, then travel as I talk.

She sharp. She no ask too many questions, just pack small bag, enter first bus. Na so you go know real Naija babe.

After I settle my babe, I see Ebuka don send more messages:

"Cousin, my papa and mama wan make dem cut my leg, I hate dem, I no gree!"

Naija pikin dey stubborn pass goat. If e no gree, no be by force.

"I don even kick the nurse. Dem wan amputate me? Dem dey craze!"

Na so wahala dey start for hospital. If pikin stubborn, e fit scatter ward.

I look the messages, just laugh.

E funny me small, but I know say na pain dey make am talk so. For Naija, laughter na medicine.

About thirty minutes later, another message enter:

"Cousin, where you dey, abeg come quick!"

Desperation dey show for voice. I just shake head.

After that one, my phone just quiet.

I know say matter don enter level. When person stubborn finish, na silence remain.

I finally reach the next state.

I feel small relief. At least, e show say my head dey work.

Before I come down from bus, I send them message:

[Uncle, Auntie, how my cousin dey now?]

[Just now network no dey for my phone.]

[Ah, how my cousin go get this kind accident? I dey rush come now.]

Na Naija style to act concerned, even if you get your own plan.

I no even leave bus park, just buy return ticket, snap pictures of the buildings and park.

E better make evidence dey. If dem go drag me later, at least, I go show proof. For Naija, person fit lie against you sharp sharp.

On my way back, my parents call me too.

E be like say dem don join emergency WhatsApp group. My phone just dey hot.

For my last life, uncle and aunt talk say dem need go take care of goats and chickens, wan leave my cousin for my house. That time, my parents sef advise me say since na family, I suppose help my cousin.

I remember how dem carry family matter put for my neck, as if I no get my own wahala.

Later, when my cousin refuse to leave, my parents begin worry.

Every day, dem dey ask: "How Ebuka? You cook for am?" I be like houseboy, no peace.

But when I talk say I wan rent another place for my cousin, make am move, na so my parents vex for me.

Dem say I dey wicked, say I dey disgrace family. Na so dem dey do for Naija—family first, even if you dey suffer.

Dem even talk say if I make my cousin move out, how dem go face uncle and aunt, how dem go face villagers?

Face-saving na big matter for village people. Reputation dey pass gold.

Dem force me to be my cousin blood donor.

Even when my body weak, I no get choice. Family matter na by force.

If I talk true, the wahala wey happen to me and my babe for my last life—my parents join for the matter.

Na collective wahala. If hand dey pain, the rest body dey feel am.

"Chijioke, why you never reach hospital by now?"

Papa voice dey rise. E dey reason am like say I be small pikin.

"Abeg, go hospital, your cousin just wake up dey shout, your uncle and aunt no fit control am, abeg go quick!"

For Naija, shouting dey solve problem—at least dem think so.

I just dey listen to my parents rant, then I talk:

I let dem finish, then I drop my own for them. "So something big happen to cousin? You people come?"

"Ah, you dey busy for house? No, how e go better pass cousin matter? As uncle and aunt, if you no come, people no go laugh you?"

I dey use style remind dem say family matter na everybody wahala.

"I don buy tickets for you, abeg, pack your load and come now!"

I talk am sharp, no space for argument. For my mind, I dey laugh small.

For my last life, dem push all the responsibility for love give me, as if na my work.

Na so dem dey do. If one person dey try, dem go heap more load.

This life, I decide make dem taste am by themselves.

Everybody go chop small pepper.

I buy tickets for my parents, then arrange three of my colleagues to move into my new flat.

Na so I use head. Flat wey dem plan to dump wahala, I go use am run my own thing.

I tell them make dem talk outside say I rent the flat to them for big money, but inside, dem fit stay free for two months.

If village people hear say house dey expensive, dem no go rush come. E get as e be.

I draft contract for laptop, sign their name and the amount.

Proof dey ground. Na so we dey do for city.

After all this, I finally fit sleep for my seat.

Sleep sweet me well. For the first time, I fit close eye without fear.

Heh.

I smile small, even for sleep. Life no be only for serious face.

For this life, if dem wan live for my house free and turn me and my babe to their free houseboy and housegirl—make dem dey dream!

No be my head dem go use play football again. Everybody go face their own.