Chapter 1: Blood for Vent, Wahala for Shop

I run a business selling second-hand accident cars, and I no dey hide anything about the cars wey I dey sell. If contract talk say the car don get accident before, na exactly as e be—no hidden wahala. If you get mind, and your luck dey strong, come try your luck for my shop. Rain or shine, we dey for Eziukwu Road, Aba.

For this my shop for Aba, nothing dey my mouth wey dey hide. If you like, shine your eye reach back of head, the car still be wetin I talk am be. As I dey always tell people, "Na your mind strong? You get faith for your feet? If so, na here you go find am." E dey sweet me to talk am loud, make all my neighbours and customers hear.

I don dey this accident car business for years, but wetin happen today still shock me.

Sometimes, the market dey slow, sometimes e dey move like Lagos traffic. But nothing prepare me for the drama wey early morning bring.

Early morning, one woman drag her boyfriend enter my shop for Aba, come dey make noise. As she waka enter, she face me straight: say the second-hand car wey I sell her boyfriend get problem—anytime dem on AC, dem go see blood dey spray from the air vents. The smell be like fresh abattoir, but when dem look again, nothing dey. But as dem look again, the blood go just disappear.

She burst enter like say na police she be, her voice dey loud pass generator for rainy season. Even my apprentice drop spanner, dey listen. Everybody for my shop, even my apprentice, begin look. My neighbor from next door, Madam Chika, peep head, dey form busy, but na gist she dey find.

Omo, na accident cars I dey sell—if car get only one accident, e rare. People dey see different strange things for these cars. Blood dey spray from vent? That one no even be the weirdest story wey I don hear. These people just dey overreact.

I don hear people talk say radio dey tune itself, or say handprint go appear for glass when dem dey alone. Me I just dey look. Blood for AC vent? E fit even be leftover tomato juice from driver wey dey chop rice for inside car before—who know? Na Naija, anything fit happen—one time, I see fufu stick for dashboard.

I look the guy—he resemble person wey I don see before. True true, na him buy car from me not too long ago. I check my record: him name na Ifedike. He buy 2020 BMW X1 from me for 4.5 million naira.

The guy no too tall, but him face dey familiar—lowcut, always dey wear rubber slippers, even when rain dey fall. I remember say the day him buy car, he still get sand for him trouser leg as if na site he dey before, and cement dust still dey for him palm. No be everybody fit chop BMW for that price o.

I remember as he tell me say he wan marry, money no dey reach, but he no wan shame, so he come look for cheap deal. I warn am: say to use accident car for wedding no too pure. If money no dey, I fit find better regular used car for am, but e go cost small. But he insist for this one.

I even tell am, "My brother, you sure say you wan drive this kind car go introduce yourself? Wedding no dey run, you fit manage taxi or keke if e be so." But shame dey catch Ifedike, as he dey look the girl wey stand for corner dey snap picture of herself. Na her set dey always do "my man get ride" for WhatsApp.

I tell am the truth: the last owner na one middle-aged man wey, after he drink, speed, and dey drive wrong way, jam cement pillar for roadside. The accident bad well—the man body and head separate, head even burst open. The scene fear person.

The thing weak everybody wey hear the gist for mechanic workshop that time. People dey avoid the car like say na juju dey inside. Some dey swear say dem hear cry at midnight if dem pass the car side. The day I carry the car enter my lot, even Baba Tunde—my dog—no gree near am.

Ifedike gree for everything, sign contract sharp sharp. Since him babe dey there, I no talk everything, just hint am, "Oga, you sabi wetin you dey buy so."

I dey see am for his face say the matter dey somehow, but as the girl dey press him, he just sign. E be like say love dey make man do strong thing. Before Ifedike fit talk, he look Halima, wipe sweat from his forehead, and mutter, "God abeg, make this car no disgrace me."

Before Ifedike fit talk, the babe just burst, "Your shop dey do mago-mago! The cars wey you dey sell get bad spirit! My mama health don spoil—she dey hospital dey take drip now. You must collect the car back and pay us!"

She throw hand up, begin call God, "God punish all these bad people wey dey run dirty business! My mama dey hospital dey fight for life, you dey here dey smile? Oga, you go see!"

See as dem wan use style collect money from me. Normally, Ifedike sabi wetin he buy. Na him suppose explain, no be to blame me. Clearly, he never tell her the full gist.

If to say na old Aba boys, dem go respect ground, no go carry drama come shop. But this one, na new generation—dem dey bring fire come where dem suppose just talk gently.

As dem dey talk, I remember say, e better to scatter bridge than to scatter marriage. I no wan drag matter, so I bring out the sales contract.

I bring out the brown envelope, rub the corner for my chest small—na so we dey swear say no lie inside. I get am for brown envelope—Victory Second-Hand Car Dealership dey shine for am. As I dey open am, my apprentice dey whisper for corner, "Oga, no gree o." I just bone face.

"Oga, everything dey paper—no be so? Once I don sell, no return, no exchange."

I even tap the contract for table make am loud—customers for waiting area begin shift, dey watch as if na Nollywood live.

Ifedike just dey shake head like lizard, dey nod anyhow. He try drag Halima comot, dey whisper, "Halima, abeg leave matter. Your mama old, maybe na she dey see things."

Ifedike voice dey low, e dey beg. I even see am squeeze her hand, try calm her. Some kind wahala dey better manage inside house, no bring am outside like this.

Halima push am commot, fire back, "My mama fit dey hallucinate because she old, but me and you nko—we no old. How we go see the same thing? Na your car get wahala. You don chop scam!"

She no dey fear anybody—voice sharp like new razor. People for shop dey look her, some dey pity Ifedike, others dey nod head say "women wahala no dey here."

She face me, "Oga, you no get conscience? You dey sell this kind car—you go suffer for am! I dey tell you, if you no collect this car back and pay us, I go make sure your shop close down. Which kind honest business be this?"

She even snap my signboard, I hear her mutter say, "Let me see if Facebook people no go carry your matter." She even dey type status for her phone, say "Aba car dealers and their wahala—make una beware!" I just cross hand, dey watch the drama like film.

I dey always pride myself say I dey reasonable. Since all these years and hundreds of cars, I never cheat anybody.

People for street dey call me "Oga Shen, him mouth no dey lie." I dey live by am. My papa wey teach me trade for Ariaria market always say, "If you spoil your name, na finish be that."

I hold my vex, look Ifedike. "Oga, how you wan run am now?"

I use eye signal run am—no need to disgrace yourself for public. E be like Ifedike dey wish ground open make him enter.

Ifedike just dey fumble, no fit talk.

He dey look everywhere except her eye. Him hand dey rub neck like person wey mosquito dey bite. For this life, na man dey chop blame for woman wahala.

Halima glare am. "See as you useless! Dem scam you, you no fit talk. 4.5 million for car wey get bad luck. I sure say person die inside am!"

She stamp foot for ground, her voice loud. People for spare part shop next compound even peep window. I just smile—she talk true.

To save my customers face, my shop name proper well: Victory Second-Hand Car Dealership. If na normal customer, I dey usually direct dem go next shop.

That name—Victory—na prayer and warning. For this side, na only people wey fit carry their cross dey come here. If you no strong, carry your wahala go road.

I ask, "So wetin you want make I do now?"

I put hand for waist, try keep voice calm. E good to ask, so that no be like say I just dey argue.

Halima hiss, look me with bad eye. "Simple. Return the car and pay us three times the money. Car na 4.5 million, so you go pay us 13.5 million."

Everybody for shop burst laugh. Even one old man wey dey drink pure water for front bench cough. But Halima no send, her face still strong.

I just nod, no argue.

Sometimes, best way to handle wahala na to just dey nod. If you talk back, e go turn fight.

Halima happy, "Good, pay us and I no go disturb you again."

She fold arm, like say she don win national trophy. The Ifedike just dey look ground.

As Ifedike still keep quiet, I know say e no get hope. I tell Halima to sit down, ask her, "Halima, you sabi how much new BMW X1 dey cost?"

I use soft voice, make e no look like insult. I wan see if she dey reason or na just drama.

She pause, then talk quick, "At least 16 or 22 million, abi?"

She dey form sharp, but her eye dey fear calculation.

"Correct. This one na 2020 model, never even reach 10,000 kilometers. You think say you fit buy am for 4.5 million if e be normal car?"

I show am my price book, open am make she see say no be lie I dey talk. Some people no go believe unless you show dem proof.

Halima shock. "Wetin you dey talk?"

She look Ifedike, mouth open, like say e just dawn on her.

Ifedike see say matter don spoil, jump enter, "No need return, I accept am. Make we dey go."

E voice shake. Na man wey don accept defeat.

Halima push am aside, still dey confuse. "Go where? Explain yourself!"

She dey almost cry now. You go know say this one pain her reach bone.

I don give am chance, but Ifedike no gree. I no go take blame for am.

I stand firm, no let pity carry me go. Street no dey pity person for business.

I talk, "Normally, this car for cost at least 12 million. Why e cheap reach 4.5 million? Na accident car—the last owner die for serious crash. I tell am when he buy am. Even for contract, e dey. Check am well."

I tap contract again, open the page. If you no dey read contract for Naija, wahala fit find you.

Halima face change, she grab the contract, read am, then vex. No talk, just give Ifedike one hot slap.

Before Halima slap Ifedike, her hand dey tremble. Her eyes narrow, then gbam—the slap land. The slap loud, even my apprentice shout. Ifedike rub face, no talk, just dey look ground.

"Ifedike, you buy car wey person die inside, come wan use am trick me? You make my mama sick reach hospital. I never finish with you!"

She still vex, slap am two times join.

After second slap, the guy hand go up like say e wan defend, but he just freeze. Everybody for shop quiet. Halima face red—e clear say na frustration.

Ifedike dey look like person wey dem cheat, hand cover face. "Halima, no be my fault. Your family dey ask for 15 million bride price plus house for city. My family no fit buy new car."

He sigh. "Dem say make I bring cow, goat, and generator join. My papa still dey calculate how we go manage."

He voice low, like person wey dey beg. I fit see small tear for him eye. Na so man dey carry load for head, people go think say e strong.

Halima vex more. "So you admit am! Now you dey regret? Abeg, wedding cancel. I no do again! Na wah o!"

She pick her bag, storm out. Some people for shop just dey shake head, dey pity Ifedike. This na true Naija heartbreak for public.

She waka commot. Ifedike squat for ground, dey look like person wey lose everything.

The dust never settle, the guy still dey mumble. I see as small water dey drop from him eye, but nobody go talk am for am. Man dey bleed inside, na only God dey see am.

After small time, he look me. "Oga, no be my fault. I for like buy better car, but my family no get money. Her people just dey collect anyhow. She even dey drag me make I help her brother pay house deposit."

E voice break. I wan give am handkerchief, but I just nod, listen. As Naija man, sometimes e good make another man just hear your story, even if e no fit help you.

Grown man, don reach thirty-something, dey cry like pikin.

E pain me, but nothing I fit do. The thing touch me for chest.

I pity am, but business na business. I no fit break my rule.

If to say na before, I for dash am small, but now economy hard, I dey run everything by contract. Everybody dey look face, but my own dey for God hand.

I pat Ifedike for back, tell am make he just leave matter. He nod, beg me say sorry for wahala, then waka go.

As I tap him shoulder, I talk, "Bros, e go better. Hold yourself, life still dey ahead." But as he waka go, I know say e pain am reach bone.

But wetin I no expect be say, later that night, Baba Musa from funeral home call me. He say one 2020 BMW X1—person just die for inside. I dey interested?

For my mind, I dey ask, "Which kain wahala be this again?" I just sigh, switch off shop light, dey prepare go check.