Chapter 4: The Suicide Note

After Ifedike die, I check im things, find suicide note.

E write:

Dad, I no wan die.

But I no get choice.

You and me, we be outcasts, no fit blend for this world.

You tell me story of Moremi, story of Queen Amina, story of Socrates.

You use their story encourage me, say make I no lose myself, make I no live for other people approval.

But—

Moremi sacrifice herself for her people.

Queen Amina fight till her last breath.

Socrates drink poison for prison.

Dad, you wrong.

We no be saints. We be patients.

We be patients wey get Asperger syndrome.

You never see psychologist before, so you no sabi this sickness.

Na one kind autism.

You and me dey live for our own world.

Counsellor Ajayi explain this thing give me, I understand.

I try change myself, try fit in with them.

Dem pretend say dem accept me, but na to use me cheat.

But as wahala burst, dem no care if their future spoil, na my own go spoil join.

I no gree.

Dem start to dey bully me, wan break my spirit.

For canteen, dem go pretend invite me sit down, but before I sit, dem go put pin for corn cob for my seat. As I sit, the pain make me wan shout, but dem shush me;

As I dey read that line, my chest tight. Corn cob for canteen? I remember the corn seller for school gate. Those small pins wey mechanics dey use. My hand dey shake.

Dem sabi say I dey shy, push me enter girls’ toilet, then shout say I be pervert;

That kain shame, even for small pikin, e fit break spirit. For our society, name dey mean everything.

One classmate thief im papa handcuff, lock me for pigsty all night. Mosquitoes bite me tire, pig shit smell dey choke my nose.

...

Pigsty! I remember the smell. I remember Umaru talk say him go farm one day, return with mud for body.

Later, dem discover my secret.

Dem use am threaten me. If I no help dem cheat, dem go expose my secret.

Blackmail. For Naija, once person get one small wahala, na so dem go use am hold you. Even small pikin no safe.

I no get choice, I gree.

The subject wey dem no sabi na maths; na maths still be their weakest.

So, na maths I help dem cheat.

But for entrance exam, with strict invigilators, how dem wan cheat?

Unless—person cause wahala.

And the best wahala na if student jump from building.

As invigilators dey panic, dem go pass answers round.

This secret mean everything to me, I fit protect am with my life.

Besides, I no wan live again.

Make the entrance exam be my last show.

I wan get the best result, then say goodbye to this world when everybody dey hail me.

Like fireworks, fade when e dey shine pass.

Dad, you don go police cell once. Abeg no try any rough thing again.

No worry who dem be.

No worry wetin be the secret.

For the end of the maths question, I drop one number sequence. For inside those numbers, na wetin I most wan tell you dey.

Ifedike words dey slice like razor. I dey see my own pikin inside the line. Maybe I never look am well before.

I shock.

My handcuff na Umaru carry go play. Later he wash and return am, but e still get pig smell.

For that, I beat am.

I no know say that small boy use my handcuff lock Ifedike for pigsty.

Guilt grip my chest. The kind small thing wey go lead to big wahala, na so e dey start for this life.

Before exam, Umaru tell me say he go sit down behind exam genius Ifedike, say he go pass this time.

I just wave am off, no believe. My mind dey for my own wahala, I no see road.

I don lose hope for him study, so I no take am serious.

I no know say na by force he take make Ifedike help am cheat.

The truth dey bitter. For Naija, some parents dey close eye for pikin wahala, till e blow.

No—something still no dey balance.

My police sense dey shine red like LASTMA traffic light. E be like when dog dey smell danger, but e no fit talk.

I call Musa Lawal, tell am bring Ifedike autopsy report come.

I read am word by word for front of Baba Chinedu, till I see doctor signature and stamp.

The air for room heavy. Baba Chinedu just dey tap leg, e face hard.

I fling the report give Baba Chinedu, shout, “You dey lie! We do correct autopsy for Ifedike body. Apart from the injury from fall, no old wound dey.”

He finish im cigarette, spit the butt, look me like say na game, “Evidence dey always dey for bullying?”

True, bullying dey leave mark for spirit, but sometimes, body dey heal quick. Na soul dey carry the scar.