Chapter 3: Inspector Chuka and the Haunted House Gist

Recently, my friend dey find house to rent. She dey eye one kind duplex for the top (seventh) floor.

Omo, for Naija, to dey find house na wahala. Agent fit carry you waka taya. This my friend get luck, she see better one wey dey top floor, wey breeze dey blow pass.

But she dey reason am, she never sure if she go rent the place.

For Lagos, for PH, or even Onitsha, people dey fear high floor because light and water wahala fit show face. My friend dey do her due diligence.

She sabi say I get sense, so she wan make I help her check am.

Na me be Inspector since school days. Once I see floor plan, my eye dey shine like touch. I sabi look places, check small-small thing wey people dey miss. Na so she trust my eye.

She just drop the plan for my WhatsApp, say make I help her decode am.

Friend: “You sabi Adonai High School?”

Chuka: “Yes now, na that private school wey dey popular well-well.”

Adonai High School na one of those schools wey children dey rush because dem dey give scholarship anyhow, and dem get fine uniform. Omo, if your pikin enter there, you go dey boast for street.

Friend: “Adonai High School dey always find sharp students from junior secondary, come give them big money make dem enter their school. You know this one?”

Chuka: “I know.”

Na so! If you sabi book, dem fit carry you like king. Every year, you go hear say dem carry one boy from Abakaliki, next year na one girl from Benin.

Friend: “My colleague na person wey no be from here. Her pikin na the best student for their city’s JSCE. Three years ago, Adonai High School carry am come with scholarship, make am dey stay hostel. But after just two months, the boy grade fall anyhow. When she find out, she vex, so she and her husband resign from work, come move come this our city to rent house, make dem dey with their pikin for school.”

You know say for Naija, if pikin dey do well for book, parents fit go any length. E no go shock me say dem resign work just to follow their pikin reach better school. Family first for our side.

I no too understand.

The gist dey hook small for my throat. E be like say my friend dey use long road to enter main point.

Chuka: “How this one take concern the house?”

No be small wahala—me sef wan know how pikin school wahala take join house rent.

Friend: “E concern am well. The colleague wey I dey talk about na the person wey dey rent that house now.”

Aha! So the person wey get all this school drama na current tenant for the house wey my friend dey eye.

I still no catch the gist, so my friend explain more:

Na so e be. Na Naija people way: gist dey long, but last-last you go land for the koko.

Friend: “The rent for this apartment na yearly payment. He rent am for November 2018, now na June 2021—remain five months for the rent to finish. If dem comot before time, dem go lose both deposit and the remaining rent. My colleague wan reduce her loss, so she dey find person wey go collect the rent from am.”

Anybody wey don rent house for this obodo go understand. Once you pay one year, if you run comot before time, landlord go hold your money. No story.

Now I understand wetin my friend dey talk.

Everything clear now—she dey find who go collect balance for the apartment, make she no lose all her money. Na normal Naija sharpness.

Chuka: “Oh, I get am. If you move in now, your colleague go be your sublandlord. When the rent finish, you fit drag matter with the main landlord. Na that one dey worry you?”

To do handover for rent, na sharp thing. But once money enter, everybody dey happy.

Friend: “No, to take over rent no be new thing. Landlords dey happy when tenant find replacement, e mean say their money no go stop.”

Na so landlords dey do for Naija. Dem no like empty flat. Once you find person wey go continue, dem go even help you carry chair join.

My body do me gbish gbish.

I dey reason am—wetin go make person fear to collect big house wey rent cheap?

Chuka: “So na the size and rent dey worry you? Five-bedroom na big thing if na only you. Both rent and empty rooms fit wahala you.”

Five-bedroom for city? Na palace! But sometimes, too big dey bring its own wahala, especially if you dey alone. Ghost go even fit hide for wardrobe.

Friend: “No be that. I get people wey wan move out too. The rooms go reach, we go share the rent.”

Sharp girl! For this economy, to share flat with friends na sense.

Chuka: “Then... e be like say na because the house dey top floor? To climb seven flights of stairs every day without lift no easy.”

Me sef know say all those old buildings no get lift. To climb reach 7th floor everyday na real exercise, except say your body dey fit.

Friend: “Na just seven floors—na exercise for body. She talk say gym membership no dey her budget, so na stairs go build her yansh.”

Trust Naija babe. She no send, na exercise she dey call am. Maybe she dey try dodge gym fee.

Chuka: “So no be that too. Wetin come be your worry?”

At this point, na only spiritual matter remain.

Friend: “Actually, dem dey talk say the house get spirit.”

As she drop that one, my body just do me one kain. For Naija, if people talk say house get spirit, e dey scare person pass anything.

Chuka: “Spirit? Why you talk so? You get reason?”

E good to ask, because sometimes na gist wey neighbor dey cook. But if person wey stay inside talk am, e get weight.

Friend: “Yes, my colleague sabi gist well-well, she dey always talk say strange things dey happen for the house. I don hear her talk am two or three times, e dey make me fear.”

You know that kain talk wey person go dey repeat, e go dey enter your mind. Before you know, you go dey see shadow for every corner.

Chuka: “Your colleague talk something about the house wey dey make you no rest?”

Sometimes, the thing wey dey worry person no be big, but if person talk am for your ear steady, you go begin dey reason am.

Friend: “Yes.”

Chuka: “Wetin she talk?”

Time to hear real story. Na so people dey drop gist for compound. One person go talk, another go add pepper.

Friend: “Make I give you example. Downstairs, dem get dispatch parcel station. The first day she move in, the parcel station owner tell her say the building get spirit. My colleague ask why, the man say some months back, person hear spirit cry for bathroom. The sound no loud but na human being get am. The worst part be say, e no come from window outside, na inside building the sound dey. Plenty people for the building hear am, everywhere scatter that time. But the sound just last for some hours, the next day e disappear.”

Omo! For this Naija, if person hear cry for bathroom, everybody go begin pray midnight prayer. Small thing, old women go begin pour salt for entrance. But this one just last hours, come disappear, which be strange.

Chuka: “So the spirit cry just last for few hours for the building?”

I wan confirm—sometimes, na old pipe or cat fit make sound, but this one be like real cry.

Friend: “Yes.”

As she confirm am, I quick carry my jotter write am down.

If you see me that time, I dey jot like detective wey dey follow one heavy case. For Naija, we dey believe say note-taking dey help person no forget clue.

Chuka: “Interesting. You sabi the exact date dem hear the cry?”

If person fit catch date, e fit help tie plenty clue together. Like say you dey follow police case.

Friend: “I no sure. Maybe July or August. But later, people no too reason am, dem talk say na children dey play.”

Na so people dey wave hand, especially if fear don calm down. But still, na the type wey dey make person no sleep.

Chuka: “July or August. Na only that building or the whole compound?”

I dey try check whether e be local wahala or na general area spirit.

Friend: “Na only that building.”

Which mean say, na something for that house specifically.

Chuka: “Okay, I don note am. Any other strange thing?”

As e dey hot, I dey press for more gist. Na so we dey reason for Naija—if one gist dey, another one go hide under.

Friend: “Yes, the house dey get plenty flies for bathroom. When dem first move in, everywhere clean—no mosquito, no bug, no rat. But by next rainy season and dry season, bathroom full of flies, sometimes dem see rat sign. To no disturb her pikin, my colleague call pest control. For first few days, everywhere calm, but soon, the flies come back. The wahala last from June reach October. By November, all the flies vanish, dem never see am again.”

For Naija, if fly full bathroom, old mama go talk say something dey hide for ground. Flies for bathroom no be new thing, but if e dey plenty and no wan go, na wahala. For Naija, pest control na big job, but if e no work, e mean say something dey ground.

Chuka: “Hmm, flies wey no gree die. E bad reach like that?”

Even me sef dey surprise. Sometimes, house fit dey near refuse dump, but if na only bathroom, e dey weird.

Friend: “Very bad. She even snap picture. Small bathroom, but flies full everywhere.”

If person snap picture, e don pass ordinary complaint. E mean say, wahala dey real.

Chuka: “From the plan, bathroom dey first and second floor. Na both get the problem?”

I dey try track location—sometimes, problem dey only one side of house.

Friend: “Yes, both.”

So na something wey join both bathrooms dey cause am.

Chuka: “E fit be say she no dey close door or window well? I see the first floor bathroom get window face hallway, second floor one face balcony.”

For Naija, sometimes na small thing dey bring big wahala—like window net wey tear, or door wey no close.

Friend: “No be window or door matter. The window get net. And who ever hear say flies dey breed for hallway or balcony? She even ask people downstairs—na only her apartment get the problem.”

That one really strange. I write am down: fly wahala wey last only one year.

My jotter don full with plenty question mark. This kain fly wahala no dey for every flat, na only one apartment.

I still dey ask.

Chuka: “Any other strange thing?”

For Naija, if person talk say house dey bring fly, na old woman go talk say something dey buried for ground. So I dey ask, dey dig more.

Friend: “Hmm... yes, the house dey ‘steal NEPA light’.”

That one shock me. If house dey steal NEPA light, e mean say wire don cross another wire.

Chuka: “Steal NEPA light? How?”

E good to understand, because for Naija, PHCN no dey play with thief. You fit enter wahala for small mistake.

Friend: “Make I explain. For first floor, right for the entrance wall, dem get circuit breaker.”

As she talk am, I mark am for the plan, send am back give her.

For my head, I dey draw arrow for paper, dey label am sharp.

Chuka: “Here?”

Friend: “Yes.”

Chuka: “Okay, go on.”

Friend: “The first day my colleague move in, both light and water breaker off. Landlord tell her say all bills dey clear, nobody dey run scam. He tell her make she on the breaker herself after she settle in.”

Normal Naija move: landlord go off everything, make sure new tenant start with clean slate.

Chuka: “That one normal.”

Friend: “No wahala there. The main thing na wetin happen later. This year, because of COVID, dem no fit go village for New Year, so dem decide do am for the house. For the study upstairs, bookshelf full the wall near the door. As she dey clean, she move the shelf, see another closed breaker behind am, just near the study door.”

Breaker hide behind bookshelf for study... Na only for Nollywood film you go see that kind setup—breaker dey hide like juju.

Another breaker hide behind bookshelf? For Naija, na only electrician dey notice that kind thing.

As I hear am, I confuse small, so I open the plan for second floor, mark am as she describe.

I dey draw line, dey connect room join room. My head dey hot.

After I draw am, I send am give my friend.

Chuka: “Na like this?”

Friend: “Yes, na so.”

Chuka: “Why dem go put second breaker there?”

For Naija, unless na generator changeover or secret wire, breaker no dey hide like that.

Friend: “She no sabi too. The breaker funny because you no go fit know wetin e dey control.”

Chuka: “How?”

Friend: “When dem move in, dem on the breaker for downstairs, right?”

Chuka: “Yes.”

Friend: “After dem on am, she check all light, socket, AC for both floors—everything work. So the downstairs breaker dey control everything. So wetin the upstairs one dey do?”

Chuka: “Hmm.”

That time, my body just cold, fear dey catch me.

For Naija, if you see hidden breaker, better crosscheck, because you fit dey power what you no understand.

Chuka: “Your colleague try check am?”

Friend: “She try.”

Chuka: “How?”

Friend: “She on that breaker, come dey check everything for the house one by one.”

Chuka: “Wetin she find?”

Friend: “Nothing change, but the NEPA bill jump up, nothing else.”

Chuka: “Jump up?”

Friend: “Yes, after she on the upstairs breaker, she check everywhere—no socket spoil, no appliance bad, no breaker trip—so she just leave am. But one month later, when bill come, she see say that month NEPA bill na 90,000 naira.”

90k bill for one month? Omo, even landlord for Lekki go fear that kain light wahala.

Chuka: “90,000 naira? That one big, but e fit be because of New Year—cold time, dem use AC, dey house steady. E fit make sense.”

AC dey chop light well-well, but 90k for bill? Even Lekki no dey run like that except say you dey power mansion.

Friend: “She think so too, so she no reason am. But after two months, bill still dey 60,000, 70,000 naira. By then, weather don warm, no need AC. She begin suspect, so she download PHCN app check usage for past months. She shock see say for February, March, April, usage na 1,800, 1,400, 1,300 kilowatt-hours. Na almost 1,000 extra every month. She no fit remember any appliance wey dey use that kind power, so she suspect the breaker for study.”

For Naija, if bill high like this, mama go pour salt for meter. But this one pass ordinary.

Chuka: “...”

Friend: “Why you quiet?”

Chuka: “E just dey somehow.”

Friend: “Somehow how?”

Chuka: “Breaker na just switch, e no dey use power. But after you on the one for study, power dey fly, and you no fit find the source. E be like say the house get hidden place...”

E get as e be, like say the breaker dey power what eye no dey see.

Friend: “She think that one too, but e no make sense. She measure the house, e match the floor plan.”

For Naija, sometimes house dey get secret corner wey old owner use keep load or run wire for generator. But if plan match, wahala fit dey underground.

Chuka: “You sure say the plan dey correct?”

Friend: “Yes, e match the one for property certificate, and e fit the house.”

Na only person wey get lawyer brain dey check property certificate. This one dey sharp.

Chuka: “I see.”

Friend: “No be only the plan. As you talk, breaker na just switch, na appliances dey use power. But which appliance dey on by itself and dey chop power like that? Even fridge, wey dey on steady, no dey use pass 30–40 kilowatt-hours a month. You go need over thirty fridge to reach that level.”

For Naija, fridge na power chop king. But thirty fridge? Who dey run cold room for apartment?

Chuka: “Maybe small electric heater?”

Friend: “The one wey dey glow red and blow heat?”

Chuka: “Yes, that kind one dey use plenty power if you on am steady.”

Friend: “You dey talk say the breaker for study dey control heater?”

Chuka: “No, na just idea. But e no too make sense—those heaters dey burn out if you run dem steady for days, not to talk of months.”

Friend: “True, and if na so, the heater suppose spoil.”

Chuka: “E fit be say another person dey live for house?”

Friend: “No way. No space, and even if e dey, how person go survive two years without light?”

Chuka: “True talk. So wetin your colleague do?”

Friend: “She tell landlord, landlord say he no know too. He buy the house from one family of three. The people talk say their pikin get accident, dem need money fast, so dem sell the house to landlord cheap. Three days after, landlord rent am out to my colleague, so e no sabi anything.”

Chuka: “How e take end?”

Friend: “Last-last, my colleague just off the breaker for study, power use come normal.”

Chuka: “Anything else?”

Friend: “One more thing. The PHCN app fit show you old bills. She check August, September, October 2018, the house use zero light. So before my friend move in, the house empty for three months.”

For Naija, if house use zero light, e mean say nobody dey, or dem off main supply. But why landlord rush rent out after buy am?

As I hear this one, my body no rest again.

For inside me, my body cold, like say night breeze blow for village, and I remember all those ghost story wey mama dey yarn for harmattan night.

Connect all the strange things:

Spirit cry wey last only hours. Flies full bathroom for one rainy season. Breaker hide behind bookshelf for study, e dey power something wey nobody sabi. House empty for three months before new tenant enter.

Na serious calculation be this. For Naija, if all these things dey happen together, old mama for next compound go don dey talk say something dey ground.

But why breaker go dey hide for study? My mind no rest.