Chapter 2: Saintess Wahala and Naming Swords

The thunder tribulation wan land like say e go scatter ground. But as e see the female lead on top my head, e just bend go another side. The heavenly lightning miss me.

I look the big hole wey the lightning leave for my leg, then I raise my middle finger give Heavenly Law. You wan strike me? I go show you pepper! You wan zap me?

No be say I too stubborn, na just Naija spirit—if you too do gra gra, pesin go show you say him own stubbornness pass.

The heavenly lightning still dey try come down, so I just raise the female lead higher. No choice, e gats hold body.

The WhatsApp group burst:

[Use child of destiny block thunder—person don really do am!]

[Heavenly Law no fit strike, but no fit leave am too.]

[Nod for yes, shake for no—female lead, block that thunder! Oya, move!]

[See, I get one idea—if I invite spirit make e enter my body during tribulation nko?]

[After you climb, this life still get meaning?]

These people dey always yarn dust; the way their wahala dey enter my ear, e be like radio without volume button.

I just lay for ground, female lead faint beside me, WhatsApp group just dey run mad for my head. Since everything don scatter, I just decide enjoy am as e be.

As I dey look the WhatsApp group without blinking, dem come realise:

[Fellow Cultivator, you dey see us?]

I no wan gree. If I gree now, dem go drag me for group, ask for explanation wey I no get. Na so Naija people be—if dem catch you dey look their gist, dem go finish you with questions.

I turn head, see the female lead bend down, quiet. How I go explain to Eziokwu Sect say na their Saintess I use block my thunder tribulation? (*Eziokwu Sect: sect wey dey do dual cultivation, sometimes get romance meaning.)

If elders hear this one, dem fit call family meeting. My own go finish that day. I dey imagine chief priest with red cap, dey shout, "Which kind disrespect be this?"

The WhatsApp group no gree leave me, dem begin advise:

[Go buy lime, make female lead drink am.]

I confuse: Lime na medicine?

[Lime dey cure everything—if e no work, at least your mouth go dey fresh when elders dey scold you.]

Their advice dey always bend like old danfo bus. Anyhow, Naija medicine people go always get one herbal solution for any wahala.

Her eyes close—I no even know if she dey sleep or don kpai. To compensate am? Forget that one.

Na true, I broke die. I don dey reason which pose go make sense when dem wan punish me for chief’s court. I dey imagine myself kneel down for sand, elders dey point staff, everybody dey look my face dey judge. Na that time you go know say life no balance.

The WhatsApp group still dey add wahala:

[Rub shea butter for your ear—so when Master twist am, e go slip.]

If this one no be juju of mouth, I no know again.

...

At last, I just leave the unconscious female lead for ground, run commot. Before I waka, I look her body—full of correct juju beads and magic tools.

My hand dey itch, but I remember say village witches dey use thief for midnight meeting. Abeg, I no wan join dem.

Leave am—make e be her reward for blocking my tribulation. No be say temptation no hold me; see better things, you dey reason, "Only one, dem no go notice." But I remember say wahala nor dey finish, and village elders sabi catch thief pass police.

The WhatsApp group hail me:

[Fellow Cultivator, you still get morals.]

[If na me, I go carry all the magic tools, even turn the female lead corpse to strong masquerade.]

Trust WhatsApp group, dem go always yarn like say na their own story. For their mouth, spirit fit even dance azonto if dem catch small juju.

The female lead still dey ground. I force myself no look back.

Compared to the WhatsApp group, I too soft abeg.

As I run, her face still dey my mind—like stubborn stain for white shirt. Wahala never finish.