Chapter 1: Ajebutter Wahala

My ex-girlfriend, the one wey still dey vex me, na real ajebutter—the kind wey get money wey e no go ever finish. Her perfume dey reach you before she even enter room—like say she dey announce presence with money.

Ehn, for Lagos, you dey see dem for Lekki, Banana Island, dem go dey waka jeje, designer bag for hand, but face calm like say dem no even sabi you. Her own na so; if you see the way she dey carry herself, even her phone case go tell you say e no be here. Sometimes, I dey reason if her slippers na jet—e just dey fly pass everybody for street. But all na camouflage.

But when we dey together, she dey always form say she no get money. For three whole years, na my food she dey chop, na my house she dey stay, even the pants wey she dey wear na that cheap ten-pack wey I buy for 1,500 naira from Okpoko market group buy—where dem dey shout price like town crier, everybody dey hustle for last pair.

My guys go dey laugh say she don chop me finish, but me I still dey carry her matter for head like gala. You see love? E dey make man behave like mumu.

Me, I think say na just poor fine girl she be, orphan, dey struggle for this life. Who go believe say na real rich pikin she be, just dey do like say she poor for the experience—person wey dey chop correct food for mansion, but wan try garri and beans for street style.

If na Nollywood, dem go call am 'undercover billionaire.' But for real life, na me dey use my last card dey buy indomie for person wey fit order chef any day.

1.

I click the trending video. For inside, one babe just dey relax for one expensive Benz, smile small-small for camera like say she sabi wetin dey. The person wey dey record am na man; camera just dey shake anyhow, then you go hear boys dey shout.

I adjust my phone brightness, eyes no wan believe say na the same babe wey dey knack my kitchen door two weeks ago because of power outage. Chai! Life no balance.

“She look my side! This girl fine no be small!”

Boys just dey make noise. You go think say na Wizkid dey pass. The small happiness for her face even sweet pass jollof rice when you never chop since morning.

The video no even reach fifteen seconds, but I don watch am like fifty times.

As I dey press replay, my chest dey tight, like say something dey block am. Like when NEPA take light for JAMB night, everywhere just dark. Na so heartbreak dey be?

E scatter everywhere for WhatsApp status yesterday, headline na: #Obinna Eze spotted with newcomer—suspected romance exposed.

You see our people? If gist enter WhatsApp, forget privacy. Even your mama go see am for church group. Even if you dey Mars, dem go find you.

Obinna Eze na the new king for Nollywood, CEO, and for entertainment industry, people sabi am say him dey real, no dey form. Thirty years, never marry, no dey dodge talk about relationship, and anytime him get new babe, the babe go fine pass the last one.

My guy dey always dey trend. If him snap picture for Ikeja, dem go do Twitter thread. I dey respect the man, even though e dey do like say e no dey see girls for road.

Anytime him get new girl, people dey beg am to open class teach them how to run babe. Some even dey joke say, once girl reach eighteen, e don too late to be Obinna Eze babe.

E reach like government policy; once girl mature, you no fit reach him league again. Our boys just dey use am laugh for beer parlor.

As this video just drop, my guy Seyi forward am give me sharp-sharp.

Him joke, “This babe resemble Amara no be small. Wetin dey happen? No tell me say you don broke so tey you push am enter entertainment to dey hustle fame?”

The thing hit me, I laugh for chat. Na so Seyi dey do; every gist na cruise.

I never even reply before Seyi send another one: “Omo, e no just resemble—na Amara herself! Go check trending topics, now-now.”

Seyi dey always quick with gist. Even if thunder dey strike, him go type, "update dey?"

I confuse, I enter trending topics.

Na so I see the video wey I just watch, for number one.

My eye dey red. The thing pain me like say I chop pepper for eye.

Who go think say simple celebrity gist go get plenty wahala inside.

Na so e be. Under every gist, wahala dey hide. As I dey scroll, my hand dey shake.

At first, people dey talk say Amara na year one student for theatre arts, say she dey follow Obinna Eze for money and fame, wan use am enter Nollywood.

Our people like amebo. Comment section don full, dem dey analyze like say na national budget.

But sharp sharp, another person talk say na lie—Amara no even dey theatre school at all—na campus fine girl for University of Makurdi, from normal family, dey do part-time work take pay school fees. Say na money make am join Obinna Eze, even show student ID as evidence.

One boy post screenshot, another say e know her cousin. E be like say everybody sabi Amara except me.

But e never tay, that one sef scatter.

This Naija, secret nor dey last. Just drop small gist, dem go dig till day break.

Somebody dig out the real gist: Amara na the real pikin of Okezie Holdings, only daughter of CEO Mr. Okezie.

I shock. Okezie Holdings na big name for this country. Dem get estate, supermarket, even one radio station for Abuja. Wetin be my own?

No be say she just get money, na she get money pass all of them. She dey lowkey, dey do part-time just to prove herself, and since she small, na Obinna Eze she dey crush on. She chase am for five years, the guy no answer am.

Na there my chest con cold. All these years wey she dey say "I dey hustle," na runz she dey run for herself.

This time wey Amara show face for public, na because dem dey oppress Obinna Eze for event. She rush come with big car to support her crush, dey stand gidigba for the man wey she love.

Na so e dey be for Naija babe wey get liver. You go think say dem gentle, but once e enter love matter, dem fit block express road for you.

Obinna Eze allow her stay, so people talk say na him way of agree say e get something for her.

Online, dem dey decode every move. "If man allow you near camera, e mean e don dey." People just dey ship them like say na TV series.

Before you know, one picture start trend.

Amara dey para, dey face one short, fat, middle-aged woman.

Na so Twitter dey analyze—who be this aunty? Why Amara face strong? Why Obinna Eze dey smile like person wey win jackpot?

Obinna Eze stand for her back—the same cool, fine guy wey dey always dey form—now dey beside this babe wey dey shine, him eyes dey soft, dey look her like say na only she dey.

You see true love for Lagos street? Even money nor fit buy that soft look. The matter enter group chat, dem dey talk say na so real men dey do.

The picture blur small, but e talk everything: "Fine, loyal rich babe X sharp guy—celebrity don fall."

I read comments tire. "Omo, Amara win jackpot!" "Obinna Eze don enter one-chance!" My mind just dey roll.

Meanwhile, my WhatsApp with Amara still dey hang for last night.

The last chat na her voice note. You know those late night messages? "Odogwu, I dey miss you o." If to say I know say na the last time, I for save am.

She tell me, “I too tire, I miss you. Make we go chop suya tomorrow?”

Suya na her favorite. Anytime dem stress her for work, she go beg me, "Abeg, buy suya for junction, make I forget today wahala."

Wetin I reply?

Oh, I say:

“No kill yourself with work. If your part-time dey stress you, abeg resign. I get small change—worst case, I go dey take care of you.”

As I dey remember now, the thing just dey funny me. E mean say I dey talk like philanthropist, dey form big boy for babe wey dey fit dash me 1 million without blinking.

Now as I think am, say I dey form big boy for Amara front just dey funny.

You know as e dey pain man? I dey remember all the times I dey try form Alpha male, dey show say I fit take care of her. Meanwhile, na me need helper pass.

Because, the Amara for that video dey wear designer wey I no even sabi, the watch for her hand alone fit buy my whole life.

You know those wristwatches wey dey shine for night? Na so her own be. My own wristwatch even dey do frog jump if e see water.

Make una reason am, me wey never reach hundred thousand a month, who I dey deceive?

If na Sapa Olympics, na gold medal be my own. Person dey hustle dey plan future, na another person dey use my hustle dey play experiment.

The Facebook link wey I send her never even show read.

As I dey stare screen, blue tick refuse show. Na so heartbreak dey slow network?

My chat box just dey, type and delete, delete and type, I no still know wetin to talk. I dey type "how far" then backspace, dey type "you good?" then clear again—like say na exam I dey write.

I dey struggle with words. If I type, "How far?" e go look somehow. If I ask, "Wetin dey happen?" e go be like I dey beg.

I wan ask her wetin dey happen, whether na true say she be real rich babe, and how her and Obinna Eze take dey.

You know that kind feeling—e dey pain you, but you still wan hear am from her mouth. Make she at least tell you true.

Even though everywhere don scatter online, I still dey hope say she go explain, tell me say na mistake, say she lie but e get reason.

Na so hope dey do man. Even when evidence choke, you go still dey reason say e fit be mistake.

But as I dey hesitate, she message me first.

Just three words: “Make we break up.”

The thing hit me like NEPA wire. My hand numb, phone wan fall. For my mind, I dey hear generator choke—na heartbreak be this.

I look the screen, shock. My hand just dey type before my brain fit reason: “Why?”

I no even know when my finger move. My mind just dey blank.

“I don play reach.”

Those four words choke me. As if she dey play football, e reach full time, she blow final whistle.

“Oh. Wetin about your things wey dey my place?”

I dey expect maybe she go come pack her load. My mind dey hope for small drama—maybe she go come, we go talk. Na so heartbreak dey reason.

“Throw am away, e no get value.”

That line pain me pass slap. Three years, na so she summarize am? I just dey look phone, dey read message again like mumu.