Chapter 7: Family Ties and Final Cruise

After, I arrange make some guys follow the girls reach house according to where dem stay. Taxi money dem fit collect am back tomorrow.

You know Naija, no dey safe for night. I make sure say girls no waka alone, I organize bolt, drop dem for junction. Even the guys dey thank me, dey hail small.

Na that time, Tunde rush come, grab Halima hand, dey smile like mumu:

“Halima, make I carry you go house.”

Him dey do as if na knight in shining armor. E wan recover dignity by force.

Halima look around, hiss small—“You sure say na you get Range? I no see key, I no see driver.”

She talk am with style, but na serious punchline. Everybody wey dey hear nearly laugh burst.

Tunde smile freeze. After e think small, he talk:

“My, my Range Rover, I no drive am today.”

He stammer, the swag just evaporate. Na Naija, if you lie, e go show for face.

Halima just eye am, sip drink slow, like person wey dey watch small pikin play. Her laugh light, e no even reach her eye. She just dey catch cruise, sabi say this one no get plan.

“No wahala, next time when you carry am come, invite me for ride.”

Sharp babe, e no let am form for her head. She sabi play this game well.

She just open my car, enter back seat. At least if hold-up catch us, AC dey blow, we go gist small.

No time for long talk. I dey drive small Corolla, but at least I get key.

Tunde just stand there, face like person wey chop bitterleaf.

E just dey there, mouth open. Bitterleaf dey sweet compared to wetin dey inside him chest.

To be honest, I no too like this kind wahala, but na him cause am—nobody else.

I lock door, tap dashboard, dey try calm myself. For this life, wahala dey choose owner.

I tap the driver, make e move.

We dey roll, music dey play low for car stereo. Everybody quiet.

I turn, ask Halima where she dey stay.

She roll eye:

“Where I dey stay? You don go there like eight times a day before—no remember?”

Her voice soft, but na small tease. I smile, dey remember old gist. Sometimes, history dey find person for road.

I just lock up.

Best make I no talk, before I go say another thing. Lagos night fit open old wound.

Me and Halima get history before, but e end anyhow because she travel go UK. No expect say she go join our company after she return.

You see life—e fit turn round, meet you for where you no expect. But for now, I lock up, face front.

For road, I wan talk, but I just hold myself, drop her for house.

Sharp sharp, she come down, wave, smile. I just dey watch as she waka enter gate.

By the time I reach my own place, e don late.

The road empty, breeze dey blow, I just dey reason everything wey happen.

As I wan sleep, Tunde message me.

[Brother Kunle, I think am well, I mess up today. Abeg, make we just split bill as normal, help me collect the girls money, transfer to my account, thanks.]

For Naija, na midnight shame dey knock man door.

I no too send—young guys dey like show. Even if e do nonsense, no concern me.

I just shake head, laugh small. Everybody dey hustle their own, I no get energy for another person drama.

But as I see the message, I just laugh. This one pass me.

I open WhatsApp, just dey scroll, dey reason the cruise. This life sweet if you fit see comedy for wahala.

I reply:

[So wetin make I tell everybody?]

I no wan cover am, but make I still hear the story.

[Just talk say, you feel say if I treat, e go make future dinner hard, for team peace, make we split. Abeg, no tell Halima, I like to spend for her.]

Guy, na big cap. For Lagos, if person dey lie, e dey always show small for message.

Chai, this one na pure rubbish.

I just shake head, dey pity am. Na so forming dey tire person.

Since na so, I no gree cover am.

I post the chat for team group chat.

For office WhatsApp group, once gist drop, everywhere dey hot. I drop am, make everybody see.

Add one line:

[Abeg, make una transfer money by una self.]

No more forming. I lock up.

Tunde fit don panic. WhatsApp dey show “typing…”, then “typing…” again.

For Naija, if person dey type long, e mean say dem dey sweat or dey plan lie.

But after long time, nothing show.

That one mean say matter don pass mouth.

Instead, for group he reply:

[Brother Kunle, no vex, truth be say, I never tell una something.

[My family… ehn, how I go talk am, anyway, I dey call Uncle Big Cat uncle.

[Yes, na those kind family friend wey watch me grow up.

[Mainly I dey fear say if this treating matter leak, my papa go hear, e no go good.

[He always dey warn me make I low key, no expose say I be rich pikin.

[If I drink, I dey forget myself.

[Wetin I spend today no reach my one day pocket money.

[But I dey fear say my papa go shout, so I just wan reason with Brother Kunle.

[No expect say Brother Kunle go take am serious, abeg, make nobody transfer me money, I go shame, haha.]

As he dey drop all this, you go know say e dey try talk plenty grammar to cover shame. Naija people sabi dodge with story.

I just look my phone, no know whether to laugh or cry.

Part of me wan reply, but I just dey pity am. For Lagos, if you over-form, street go teach you lesson.

I don see Tunde file—no remember the village, but I know say na Okpoko Hills, Okpoko Village.

For my mind, I dey remember say e no get head for money. Okpoko na place wey everybody sabi everybody—no room to fake.

Small shakara no bad, e fit ginger person. But when you pass your boundary, begin lie, na inferiority complex and wahala dey show.

I just dey shake head—Naija no dey carry last for drama.

Na real clown for team.

E turn office to one-man show. Everybody dey watch like free DSTV.

As expected, nobody answer for group. Blue tick everywhere, but mouth lock—nobody wan collect stray bullet.

With more than twelve people, our group fit shame whole street.

E sure say gist don reach other teams. For Naija, gist na fastest runner.

That time, Farouk message me.

[Big bro, our family get connection with Tunde family? Why I never hear am before?]

I just laugh. For this life, every Lagos guy dey claim "family friend" once wahala land.

I quick reply:

[Farouk, I don tell you make you no dey call me big bro for work! Which one be our family? Na company. If you cast us, I go vex!]

My mind dey, make dem no use my name run package.

He send cover face emoji.

Na so e dey do, always dey play.

[No worry, big bro, I dey hide am well. By the way, this work sweet o—I dey see rare mumu live. I dey look forward to work, hahaha.]

Laughter fit kill me. For Naija, if wahala dey, at least e go give person story.

I just shake head. Nobody know say Farouk na oga pikin—my uncle son. For this Lagos, rich pikin fit dey hide under nylon, you no go know.

For office, e dey move lowkey, blend like normal staff. Na so rich people dey hide pikin for real world.

Boss tell me make I dey monitor the prince, make e low key, learn work for real. E dey tire me.

I dey try balance work and family. For Naija, e no easy to guide person pikin without wahala.

But Tunde no know anything.

For him mind, Farouk be just another regular guy, easy to press.

He don study everybody, come pick Farouk as him best target for bragging.

Tunde think say Farouk go always dey worship am. But e no know say Farouk dey chop cruise for am.

So every day, he go carry Farouk go one side dey talk rubbish.

You go see two of them for pantry, Tunde dey lecture, Farouk dey nod head, dey catch cruise.

Farouk wey no dey like work before, now dey come work every day like say e dey win lotto.

Na so wahala dey sweet some people. Every day na new gist.

I ask am why, he say:

“E too sweet to dey watch monkey dey do show free.”

That line nearly make me burst laugh. For Naija, we dey find entertainment for everywhere.

I come dey curious, so one day I hear Tunde dey brag for break room.

I just lean door, dey observe.

“Bro, as your big brother, I gats tell you—no dey stingy, learn how to manage people. See me: as soon as I treat, all the babes dey my side. When time reach for voting, Kunle, that local guy, dem go vote am commot. You believe?”

Tunde dey talk like parrot wey see new corn. Voice dey high, Farouk dey nod, dey press phone.

“No o, Kunle too get sense.”

Farouk dey play the fool, but e sharp pass so.

“Sense no dey pay. Na who win people heart dey win for this life. Hard work no reach, you gats sabi all the office tricks.”

For Naija, tricks dey everywhere, but people dey watch.

Farouk just dey hold laugh:

“Brother, how dem dey play that trick? No be performance matter?”

He dey push am, dey try draw more story.

“Performance? Abeg! Who dey count who do pass for team? Company na like communal pot, you need connect, make people dey talk good for you. Everything now na team vote, you no know? Just dey look—this year, na me go collect number one.”

As e talk, you go know say e dey dream big. But office politics for Naija dey carry serious wahala.

“Yes, yes, brother. You wise o, I no reason am before.”

Farouk dey follow am play along, dey hype am small.

“You see am? And abeg, no just follow any babe. Find babe wey match you. See new girl, Halima—see her bag, see her watch, you go know say her papa get money. Just dey look how I go win am.”

Tunde dey scan Halima like market goods. Na so some Lagos guys dey move.

“So, brother, wetin your family dey do?”

Farouk dey set am up. Na that small talk wey fit scatter ground.

“I no dey tell others, but for you—keep am secret—my papa na our main supplier. He wan make I inherit the business, but I beg come here make I learn. If I marry Halima, maybe I go help her family. I hear say she be only pikin from Ibadan.”

Tunde yarn, chest out, but he no know say e dey expose himself.

Me and Farouk, dey eavesdrop for door, just shock.

We dey reason whether to laugh or pity am.

No be Halima papa be the supplier?

The joke heavy. E show say Tunde dey lie anyhow.

Farouk just frown.

E squeeze face like crayfish, dey hold laugh.

Tunde puff smoke, dey enjoy:

“Easter dey come, I dey prepare gift for her. My budget na this.”

He show six with hand.

Guy, for Lagos, if you wan brag, at least get sense.

Farouk burst:

“₦60,000? No? ₦6,000? E no fit be just ₦600, abi?”

E dey tease am. Everybody wey dey hear, dey try hold laugh.

“You too local. Girl like her don see money—money no dey move am. Na heart matter. 60 just right. Make I teach you how to do big thing with small money.”

Na so dem dey form for Lagos. Story, story, but no content.

Farouk nearly spit coffee, dey laugh die:

He hold laugh, near choke. E clear say e no dey take Tunde serious again.

“Brother, abeg, for Easter, either buy chicken go give her mama or buy needle sew your trouser.”

Na real shade. Everybody dey catch cruise for break room.

He run.

Farouk waka commot, laughter dey follow am.

Tunde shout:

“Come back here!”

E voice crack. Na so street dey expose person.

Farouk turn corner, jam me. I drag am one side, beg am make e hold laugh, no burst.

I whisper: "Guy, abeg, this one fit reach HR, hold am."

He nearly die for laugh, eye dey red:

Na so e bend, dey slap leg. Wahala no too bad if you fit laugh am.

“Brother, see as person dey chase my sister-in-law—no go do anything? But abeg, no ever sack that mumu. If not, work go too boring.”

For Naija, even office drama dey sweet like amala if you sabi chop am. Tomorrow go bring new story.